Dp depression - how to cope?

[Littlelondoner]

My DP is having a really hard time at the moment and is very stressed with work.

He is also suffering with depression.

I really want to help him. But at the moment I am at a total loose end on how to.

I try to be as supportive as I can be. I understand that there are days when he does not want to do anything.

But I am really starting to feel under valued. To the point where I am thinking what am I getting out of this relationship?

I had some bad news the other day and turned to him for support and well with out going into details the complete opicite happened.

Our sex life is massively suffering. I just feel so undervalued and like I am constantly fighting for attention. I have never been a needy or clingy person. But I feel like this is pushing me to be.

I do all of the house work and well everything. I am also contributing alot financally at the moment to the relationship.

I know he has alot on his plate at the moment and alot of other worries he does not share (as he does not want to burden me).

I know that he is suffering and that this is not him.

Am I being unreasonable and selfish to think what is the point and walk away. I am not sure I am a strong enough person to cope with all this. I am not sure I know the person he has become or like it.

Rant over...

It can feel very isolating supporting someone who has depression. It affects everyone not just the person living with it. Is he getting help from the doctor? Is his medication right for him?

He's ill. He will need your support while he's unwell and it might mean you doing the majority of the work, at home and outside the home and that can take it's toll.

It's not selfish for you to feel the way you do. It's a big strain and you need support aswell as him. He could recover and you could work on your relationship but equally you could leave if it's making you feel awful too.
That decision is up to you, I know it's a very difficult decision to have to make.

Realitea Thanks. Just needed a rant. Feeling rather hormonal today. I am over it now. But you put it into perspective so thank you

How long has it been going on? What is he doing to manage his health?

If it's short term, and he's just quiet and withdrawn, I'd be understanding, and ask him "What can I do to help?"

If he's been a moody fucker for ages, won't go to the GP and is being verbally abusive to you then excusing his actions by saying "I'm depressed, it's not my fault" - then there's a problem.

Assuming he is trying to manage it (from your last post it sounds like it)

Here's my experience from living with my son, who had clinical depression age 14-19.

Ask him what you can do to help. Don't ask him when he's down, ask him when he's okay. Say "Next time you feel low, what is the best thing for me to do? Would you like me to leave you alone? Would you like a hug? Do you want to talk?"

Reassure him that he can talk to you about his feelings and you won't judge him or think less of him.

Encourage him to do things when he is low, that he knows are good for him. EG, get out of bed and have a shower. Eat something nourishing, not junk food. Go for a walk.

Tell him that you love him, although you might not always love his behaviour.

Ask him what actions/words from you make him feel loved and secure. He might not care about you saying "I love you" but he might feel comforted and nurtured by you just making him a cuppa when he gets in, or saying "Go on then - let's watch Star Wars."

I hope this helps. Obviously I didn't get involved in my son's sex life!! but I would say take sex off the agenda for now, try to get in your mindset that he is not well so it's not going to happen right now.

Also, if he says that when he's low the best thing for him is to be alone - don't take that as rejection. Personally when I'm feeling shit, I need to just take time away by myself. Not because I don't love and value my loved ones, but because I heal better on my own.