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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So I'm TG! Get over it!

19 replies

SarahGoodwin33 · 27/04/2016 15:44

I'm a 40 something transgender female and have to say overall been blessed in life as I've travelled the long and emotional road of transition..! Yes there's been the usual ups (becoming me) and downs (losing certain family and friends who can't accept it).
Have a long term relationship with a man whom I love dearly and loves me (or at least I hope he does, warts and all!). Overall his family are fab (his sister has become dear friend to me) but his Dad OMG am I ever going to be able to get on with him.
Basically he is very judgemental, sheltered and homophobic (even though I class myself at heterosexual being a woman in love with a man!) and he finds every opportunity to make me feel uncomfortable and make crude and inappropriate comments whenever I see him. Came to a head this weekend just gone as my bf left me with him whilst he took a friend to the airport, talk about uncomfortable! He seems to think he can talk to me as if I am still a male even though I look female and doesn't seem to get that am I now a woman. He never even knew me in my previous life. He started asking me about my past life and what football team I supported and what did I look like (I think he took advantage whilst bf wasn't there). I just kept saying to him that my life then was then and now is now. He commented on my clothes too (I was wearing denim skirt) and said did I make the out of my 'boy' jeans!!! All very childish and weird.
I've had the odd comment from his mum about our sex life when I first met her but took that as being simply the generation that don't always say the right thing but this is different, creepy almost.
I haven't mentioned anything to bf as I feel silly but wonder if I should have a heart to heart to see if he can talk to his dad. It's the only thing in my relationship with him that is spoiling things.
Not sure whether I'm overreacting or not.

OP posts:

momb · 27/04/2016 15:49

Your title says 'get over it'. Your partner loves you. I'm sure you have lots of friends who see the real you and that is actually what counts.
But...this man is your DPs Dad: do you want him to chunter away behind your back or do you want him to be up-front with questions. They may be facile questions, they may seem rude, but better surely to address the elephant in the room than ignore it? He may be an old weirdo. Or he may just be ignorant a wanting to understand.

MangoMoon · 27/04/2016 15:52

Confused as to how he should be talking to a woman differently to how he would talk to a man.

pocketsaviour · 27/04/2016 16:05

Is this your first serious LTR since transitioning?

TBH I'm surprised that your BF told his parents you were trans, he must have had some idea of how they would react?

Original poster

SarahGoodwin33 · 27/04/2016 16:08

It's not about the difference between talking to a man and a woman, it's about the difference between talking to a woman or a woman who used to be a man. There shouldn't be any reference unless appropriate I feel anyway, perhaps I'm wrong.
It's difficult to relay this in a written post but his whole manner and attitude is weird and not appropriate.
you may be right momb, perhaps it's better that he talks to me directly than counter away behind my back. I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and as I've come across before some men (I say men as women are far more adaptable in new situations..) who just want to understand why I am who I am...

OP posts:

gingersam · 27/04/2016 16:10

Woman is not a role you can adopt or identify into

Original poster

SarahGoodwin33 · 27/04/2016 16:13

Yes pocketsaviour it's the first ltr i've had. He told his parents very early on and whilst i met his mother almost from the start I only met his dad a few months ago (divorced parents)..His Dad didn't understand the difference between transgender and transvestite (which is a common mistake) and at first thought I was a drag queen or something and that his son was gay...

OP posts:

Iggi999 · 27/04/2016 16:20

He may be very limited in terms of what he can think of to talk about. It might be worth just answering his questions, just once, to see if it makes any difference. You shouldn't have to since it makes you uncomfortable, but it would be a case of you having tried everything.

LucyBabs · 27/04/2016 16:20

Hi sarahgoodwin Does your bf identify as a gay man?

pocketsaviour · 27/04/2016 16:24

Is his dad considerably older? I suppose if you're not the type of person who consumes a lot of TV or reads about current issues then you might still be stuck in the 70s, attitude-wise.

If you can look at it as you're helping him educate himself about trans issues, then maybe that will help. But I'd def tell your BF not to leave you alone with him again.

Just a word of warning: there are a lot of TERFS on mumsnet, it's not the most supportive place for trans women or men

pocketsaviour · 27/04/2016 16:25

ImperialBlether · 27/04/2016 16:27

Lucy, what exactly do you mean by that?

MangoMoon · 27/04/2016 16:29

TERFS

Arfarfanarf · 27/04/2016 16:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hissy · 27/04/2016 16:36

Oh way to make an issue where there isn't one!

He doesn't know how to relate to you. It doesn't compute. He's trying to engage you in conversation and being heavy handed.

If he's insulting you it's another matter but he's not.

I don't think he's the one that needs to get over himself frankly.

AliceInUnderpants · 27/04/2016 16:44

I'd guess Lucy's question was because the OP referred to the father as being homophobic?

Yawninghippo · 27/04/2016 16:51

I believe you need to discuss your concerns with your partner, just for reassurance, but from reading your OP it didn't seem malicious, more interested and unsure of the correct way to approach his questions. Do you have any common ground that you can steer the conversation to in future? Any shared likes/dislikes? Rather than leaving him to discuss the 'elephant in the room'. Atm he must be unaware of any protocol in talking to you and needs a little guidence in the right direction, who better to show him the light than you! :-)

LucyBabs · 27/04/2016 18:30

Why the face pocket ?
I'm asking as the op said her bfs father was homophobic. Thanks Alice
Can't even ask a bloody question now!

pocketsaviour · 27/04/2016 19:31

Sure. You just happened to miss the part of the OP's post where she said "at first [he] thought I was a drag queen or something and that his son was gay..."

achillesratty · 27/04/2016 20:33

This sounds like the typical conversation my Dad (76) and my daughter (28) have all the time ! My Dad admits he feels "out of the loop" when talking to young people regardless of gender, so he talks about football, as most people have some opinions on that and it's not controversial, to be honest it's better than his other specialist subjects which are Judge Judy and any particularly gruesome murders covered on the Crime and Investigation channel ! He was as probably just trying to make conversation with a virtual stranger, don't be too harsh on him.

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