Why is it always my problem? Long long rant.

[OrmIrian]

DS#2 jumped off his brother?s bunk last night (whilst still gabbling 10 to the dozen as usual) and bit his tongue. Cue blood everywhere, DS#2 crying like mad, coughing on the blood and making himself sick. DS#1 in tears too running around getting towels and tissues. Me on floor holding DS#2 trying to calm him and stem the bleeding. DD already asleep so very reluctant to wake her to take DS to hospital. Couldn?t get DH on his phone ? tried 9 times! Got DS#1 to sleep. After about an hour I managed to calm DS#2 and the bleeding has just about stopped. Kept him in bed with me. He was very wakeful ? not surprisingly though. Bad night all round. DH left at 7 ? managed to convince him that as DS# was also his child perhaps he needed to take some responsibility for what happened to so he had a look at his tongue and told him he?d be OK to go to nursery and then left! He did rather ungraciously say ?Well I?ll have to take a day off then if you can?t? ? thus making it my fault and making it entirely clear he didn?t want to do so. DH is self-employed so it is an expensive option I know. DS in tears again as he doesn?t like going to nursery at the best of times. Normally I can, in an emergency, work from home but not today ?as sod?s law would have it. Managed to bully, cajole and beg DS#2 to let me get him dressed and come downstairs ? got him in the car with much crying and fighting. Other kids telling me that I was being unfair and poor Joe had a sore tongue ? as if I didn?t know that. Dropped kids at school and finally got DS#2 to nursery ? he cried a bit more when I got him out of the car but in the end just let me carry him in. Nursery was fine about it ? obviously he wasn?t ill as such. But the saddest thing was that he just stood there, expressionless, not crying, not smiling, while all his little friends came running up to him ,calling his name. I just though that he was heart-broken ? mummy had made him do something he really didn?t want to do ? I felt like I?d been heartless.

Why does this always fall to me? I work too ? I earn more than DH does - why do I always have to do the school run and be the one to make the decisions about whether kids should go to school/nursery. And why am I always the one who has to take time off of find alternative childcare. DH is being a cr*p father at the moment ? and I am fed up with it. His first resort is shouting. He demands instant obedience. Why? He?s hardly ever with them, - he makes every excuse available to get out of the house and sometimes it?s a relief to see him go. He was out of the house all day the Friday before Christmas (work party), half of Saturday (football) and again for a few hours on Christmas Eve (well?..nothing was happening so he didn?t think it would matter). And what irritates me most is that I am the one who has most of the responsibility anyway ? I do morning duty and, more often than not, evening duty. I don?t mind taking all that on ? I love my kids and I like being with them mostly ? but why can?t he at least be grateful that I take on all this, rather than seeming to begrudge any time he has to spend with them?. And why can?t be be available in an emergency to offer support?. I can?t take anymore off his shoulders. He rang me 10 minutes later to see if all was OK and to tell me that he?s driven himself to work so he could come back if he had to. Truth was he?s driven himself to work because he was too late to get a lift. Anyway - too late! The worst bit was taking DS to the nursery.

Would it be ridiculous to leave someone because they?re bad at being a parent? Is it enough reason? Years ago he told me off for acting as if I were a single parent ? assuming that everything was my responsibility. It seems as if it is. I can?t help thinking we?d be better off without him. Life would be calmer and easier for everyone.

Poor you - what a horrible night

As for the DH question - he acts like that because you let him!

In your shoes - I would have said brightly this morning, 'I need to be at work today - DS is too sore to go to school, as you are at home you can do the school runs too - over to you!'

And then waltzed out the door without a backwards glance!

Trust me, it becomes very easy with practice

But soapbox- he doesn't seem to like being with them. I think that's what upset me most.

I'd give him a three line whip - if you earn more than him, then ensuring that your job is not messed around is more important and I thought the advantage of being self-employed would be flexibility.

I think the main reason relationships break up is lack of support from one partner, but if you have 3 children, the chances are you would still be better off with another adult to help... As long as your relationship is fundamentally okay, I'd give him a kick up the backside rather than contemplate leaving...

that sounds like an absolute horror of a night and morning. an absolute boneshaker.

I have found this thread quite inspiring recently. I'm not suggesting this is the same thing at all, but i wonder if you might also find it interesting.

Orm, he sounds totally out of the 'habit' of being with them. It is hard work and exhausting being with 3 kids, isn't it - and he sounds like he takes the easy option and avoids it. But, if he does spend time with them, he will very quickly get some of the rewards too, smiles and laughter and love, etc, and that could be the start of a step in the right direction for him.

He shouts and expects instant obedience partly because he can't be bothered to find other strategies and partly because he's not with them enough to have the opportunity to find them!

I definitely think you need to assert yourself here. Don't take the responsibility so much anymore. He did grudgingly offer to have the day off - fine! Take the opportunity! Do it for your kids - your ds would obviously have been happier at home today than at nursery (though I'm sure he's fine where he is!) but it is nice when you're hurt, to feel that one of your parents prioritises you enough to be with you at home. So what if it's grudgingly offered, your ds doesn't know that!

MAKE him do more, and get more involved. It's only by starting off that way, that he will be able to want to do it. And you need more support than you are getting. And your kids will thank you for making them have a closer bond with their dad!

Thanks choosy - that is interesting. Similar to us in many ways but different in others. It's funny how we just assumed that we'd be the same in parenting when we are so different in other ways - something that we liked pre-kids.

Thanks Sunny - I think that I am also avoiding it too - I find it easier when he's not around. Pre-kids we weren't in each others' pockets and that was how we liked it. But it seems to have translated into me being with the kids without him and his being on his own. Before DS#2 was born he was so different. It really saddens me. He enjoys spending time with each of the children individually and is often surprised how much he enjoys it - but with 2 of them, of God forbid all 3 he goes to pieces. Yes it is hard work and you have to plan if you intend to do anything but veg out at home, but it is rewarding too. I think that it's a shock to me when that he is so heavy-handed when he used to be so laid-back - and still is in so many areas of his life. I confess to shouting sometimes and getting wound up but it's not often and I think if he was around more it wouldn't be like that. Problem is we've been over this before and it's a very difficult area "comparing" parenting skills - he gets so angry when I question him.

BTW. I just rang the nursery and DS is doing fine - running around and playing. Not eaten much though.

But it's a self-perpetuating vicious circle. He's crap with the kids because he doesn't spend enough time with them. Because he doesn't spend enough time with them he doesn't know what to do, how to have fun with them - so he's crap with them.

Agree with the others that you have to stop taking responsibility for everything and make him do something. The more you do it the more you're letting him off the hook - and the more you're running yourself ragged and becoming ever more resentful.