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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband considering leaving me

25 replies

averyoriginalusername · 25/04/2016 18:58

Can't believe I'm writing this will try and keep it short- basically my dh told me on Saturday night that he doesn't think he can do this anymore, that everything in our life (kids/marriage/mortgage/work) is too serious and he can't cope with it being like this forever. That he doesn't know how he feels but that he just doesn't feel right or happy anymore. He isn't sure where he wants to go from here and what the next step should be.

We've been together 7 years, married for 3, have ds together and he is stepfather to dd from previous relationship. He has always had a tendency (and is always this time of year) to go cold and distant, normally he blames something else mainly his lack of freedom, it varies on how long it lasts- days/months-then for the rest of the year he is fine. It's always put an incredible strain on us and maybe I'm naive for not having got rid of him the first time he did this. I believe a marriage should be worked on though- he seems to believe it should be easy and if it isn't then maybe it's not for him.

I feel constantly sick and on the verge on tears all the time, loosing sleep due to just being stuck in limbo. I don't know what to do or say-I don't have anyone I can talk to and I work with his mom so work is beyond difficult. I love him but I also hate him for doing this..again.

OP posts:

newworldnow · 25/04/2016 21:48

you have to take control off hm. Why should you be in limbo? Tell him its over its the only way if you want him back. He has to feel the consequences of being a selfish dick. Be strong.

newworldnow · 25/04/2016 21:49

He is showing you and the life you have zero respect.

TheNaze73 · 25/04/2016 22:56

He sounds spineless. newworld is right, take control & make it your call.

TendonQueen · 25/04/2016 22:59

He believes a marriage should be worked on - but just by you, not him.

I reckon tell him that since he feels this way, he needs to move out for a bit to sort his feelings out. Don't accept any backtracking. And tell him you'll also be thinking over how you feel and what your future should be.

hownottofuckup · 25/04/2016 23:00

Lack of vit D after the winter months?

Original poster

averyoriginalusername · 26/04/2016 07:52

I did tell him to go, but he won't. We are sleeping separately and I'm only responsive around the children. He is on a shift where we don't really see each other anyway, I wish he would go but he is too ashamed.

There is a number of things that would make him see sense, but I'm at the point where I'm not even sure that's what I want because I can't keep doing this nearly every year. I am so scared though to completely end it, it doesn't feel like it's enough to end a marriage for a spineless (great word) partner, I have no support system because it's all his family and also financially I can't do it on my own. I've woke up today a little angrier but I still feel sick all the time, and heartbroken.

I wish I knew why it's always this time of year too it drives me crazy.

OP posts:

wheresthebeach · 26/04/2016 08:06

Sorry you are going through this. He does sound sulky and immature I'm afraid. Being a grown up means life isn't full of carefree weekends.

If you want to try and salvage things counselling might be a good route, but only if he's willing to understand that he can't behave this way. If he won't get help then there isn't much you can do apart from take control as others have said. Start looking into the financials - it might be more possible than you think.

Hopefully others will come along with a bit more experience.

Fratelli · 26/04/2016 08:50

So sorry this is happening to you

Start getting advice of any financial help available to you. Factor in how much child maintenance he will need to pay you.

You say he won't leave as he is ashamed. Well he shouldn't be allowed to make you feel like you're in limbo. Especially not every year! I'd start telling people tbh. Let him feel ashamed. It will also open up more support to you.

I'm sure more useful people will be along shortly!

CocktailQueen · 26/04/2016 08:55

I'd give him an ultimatum.

Tell him he doesn't get to keep you in limbo like this - if he doesn't know what he wants, he can move out until he does. say it's not fair that he behaves like this every year, and ask him to think about it and sort himself out. Say how hard this is on you, and say that you'll also be thinking about the future and what you want - whether you want him back.

Then say that you will tell his parents and the rest of his family what's happening - I hope they will support you. If they know what's happening, they can help, but if they don't, they can't. If you work with his mum, tell her first.

It's not fair of your h to leave you like this.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 26/04/2016 09:20

This won't improve as he ages. Can you imagine the performance when he hits his 'midlife crisis'. I would take control and see a solicitor. Your DC don't need this fool ruining their childhood.

FluffyBunny1234 · 26/04/2016 09:25

he won't go
Pack his bags & change the locks
Tell his mum what's happening

Chlobee87 · 26/04/2016 09:35

It does sound as though he's being a drama queen and also a total man-child to boot. His "reasons" for feeling overwhelmed are just normal life. Unless there's more to it, the things he has listed are not reason enough to want to jack everything in. That's not to say that being a grown up is easy, but it's certainly not so difficult that he should be going crazy over it every year.

At the end of the day, he has already got children. That can't be undone. If he leaves you, he will still have children and he will still have responsibilities towards them. Same goes for work. He needs a job regardless of whether he leaves you or not. If he is unhappy at work then he should be looking at alternatives, applying for different jobs. What does he expect you to do about his career? Likewise, the mortgage is not related to your marriage. If he wants to own a home - whether he intends to live there alone or with you - he will need a mortgage or will have to pay rent. So the only "reason" left to address is your marriage. Why is this such a source of stress for him? Has he explained? Because from where I'm sat, it sounds as though he's not grown up enough to deal with his responsibilities (and let's face it, they're all pretty manageable, normal ones on the face of it) and he now resents you for not taking all of life's stress away from him (presumably because you're too busy getting on with it and shouldering your own).

Sounds as though he wants a mother, not a partner.

shovetheholly · 26/04/2016 09:40

Everything in his life is too serious? Maybe he should have thought about that BEFORE committing to a marriage, children and a mortgage.

Here's the thing: as adults, we have choices. Sometimes those choices have a long tail end. There is no way of making a child grow up more quickly than 18 years (some would say longer!). Once those choices are made, there really is no going back. You can't just magic kids out of existence.

Other things just have to be done. Wherever he is, he'll need to pay rent and/or a mortgage, which entails a certain degree of commitment to a job. That's capitalism.

He needs to grow up and realise that HE has made some of these decisions, no-one else. And that having certain commitments is just an inescapable part of adulthood.

I suggest that you let him do this alone, in his own time. I.e. change the locks and boot him out! You will have one less child to deal with, which will actually make your life easier.

pippistrelle · 26/04/2016 09:41

Do you ever talk about this when he isn't in the midst of his existential angst? If it happens at a particular time of year, then it seems like something is triggering it. Is it because it's been a long winter and reserves of energy are low, or is because spring is coming and he feels that family life is depriving him of opportunities to be out there exploiting it. What does he want to do with this freedom he craves?

I have a small degree of sympathy for him because I get that the responsibilites of family life can feel overwhelming from time to time, but the fact that it's happening on an annual basis at the same time is ludicrous. And he has no right to force you to live in such uncertainty: it's cruel. It's sort of good that he's telling you about it though rather than just going off. This suggests that he does actually want to fix this problem but it sounds like it's his problem to fix: that it's not really about your relationship at all but about his reluctance to grow up and accept the responsibilities he signed up for.

I'm really sorry you're going through this, and I hope that you can find a way through that works for all of you, and doesn't leave you dreading this time next year.

flingingmelon · 26/04/2016 09:43

Like PP's suggest, I'd have him move out. For many reasons, not least that he may find 'freedom' somewhat lonely.

Whether you want him back if he asks; that's up to you.

Original poster

averyoriginalusername · 26/04/2016 14:09

Thank you all, sat here crying my eyes out but everyone has said what I suppose I already knew.

Got sent home from work today because I felt so sick. Which means I've managed to speak to him a little more-not that he has progressed in anyway, so I've told him if he hasn't made any clearer decisions by tomorrow then he needs to leave. He agrees with everything I/you say, not that it helps because he is still confused.

He is a man-child, I've always tried to take the good with the bad and just seen it as a flaw I need to live with. I never thought it would be a factor in ending our marriage.

I hope I don't sound really weak and silly-I promise I'm not. After the disaster that was my first relationship I really thought I was making the right decisions, it was only December that everything finally came together too so I'm not processing this very well at all.

OP posts:

Slowdecrease · 26/04/2016 14:29

Sounds like an almost primal biological thing i.e. springs afoot so he feels the call of the wild almost whereas the winter months he's quite content to hibernate with you and the children. I might get flamed but I don't think it's that uncommon (given that it's ingrained in our innate nature) to feel this way....voicing it is one step further and acting on it something else entirely. I suspect if he left all the serious and boring stuff behind and ran off with a woman with no ties (not suggesting for one minute he's going to) next spring would find him as restless, dissatisfied and confused as he appears to be at present every year. I'm not totally sure how you can fix it, talking isn't going to address his urge to run free in the springtime as it were. Not sure of the answer.

pippistrelle · 26/04/2016 14:44

I think I agree with you, slowdecrease. I guess him working out that that's what it is, recognising that it will pass, and not suggesting he's going to act on it would be the fix (if that's what it is). Self-awareness rather than self-pity is the first step. Of course, that can be hard to achieve.

IrianofWay · 26/04/2016 14:55

What a child! Everyone has those moments when it all gets too much. He is just piling all his stress on to you

Original poster

averyoriginalusername · 27/04/2016 10:57

I'm furious with him today-apparently he hasn't had anytime to think.

Been at the Drs this morning, as I'm feeling so terrible-had some test done- and now his mom wants to come see me later to check everything is ok (we are v.close).

I just have an incredible urge to punch him- singing along to the radio like nothing is wrong. I've just slammed the door so hard the house shook and I feel a little better-for all of 30 seconds.

OP posts:

TendonQueen · 27/04/2016 11:03

Have you told his mum what's happened? If not then I really think you should. Don't let it burn you up with no one to talk to while he takes his sweet time.

BirthdayBetty · 27/04/2016 11:08

Give his stuff to his mum to take with her. It sounds like he needs the decision made for him, as he has no intention of addressing it.

Lotsofponies · 27/04/2016 11:20

Tell his Mum, you need to unload this burden for your own sanity. See if she will take him away, perhaps if he voices these feelings to someone else it might just sink in what an utter prick he is being. If he thinks life is hard now, wait until he is paying cm and rent and sharing childcare. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this

Original poster

averyoriginalusername · 27/04/2016 14:47

I've got a feeling it will naturally come out to his mom, he said he expects me to tell her.

I've just read 'the script'-way too close for comfort. He has just started painting me as the monster- I feel like an absolute mug.

OP posts:

averythinline · 27/04/2016 15:03

Tell him to tell his mum spineless is a compliment ...u really have to do everything for him don't you... you say you are v close to her but once he's gone is she really going to support you rather than him??? Would be careful what u say personally ....you need to make get him to go not do the pick me if you can.... it's hard take your time to make a plan if you need to....

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