I started NC with my father a year ago. I didn't announce it as it was a gradual decision. The first time I told my mother he wasn't invited, she tried to persuade me otherwise, but since then she hasn't mentioned him to me at all (they are married).
My mother visits me and my DC around once per month. If she needs to telephone my father during the visit she goes into a separate room and tries to hide this from me. Once he insisted she come home early and she pretended she was leaving for a different reason (I had overheard the call accidentally). She never brings him up in conversation.
Until recently I found her visits fine. She plays with my DC with me there. We just chat about the DC and avoid any significant discussion, unless I force it. I spent a year persuading her to see a Solicitor to talk about her finances in case she wants to leave my father ever, after a year she finally saw the Solicitor. I treated this as a 'project', chipping away at her resistance each visit. Since then I have completely lost all energy and interest in this- I haven't even asked if she followed the Solicitor's advice- in fact I have no energy for talking to her at all now.
She has been contacting me asking to visit again and I can hardly bring myself to even text back and say no. I don't know why I've had this sudden onset of apathy. I feel exhausted thinking about communicating with her.
In our family important things were often unsaid. My father was intermittently violent towards me (sudden outbursts when he was unpredictably angry, then all laughter and smiles in between), and also behaved very oddly and could be cruel, in what I think was an emotionally abusive way. This was never really spoken about (except in a 'he's so eccentric, ha ha ha' way), indeed I felt discouraged from speaking about it both within and outside the family, so it wasn't until I was in therapy in my late 20s that I realised just how damaging my family was.
My mother has chosen to stay with my fatherthroughout. When I have tried to ask why she is still with him she will minimise his behaviour ('oh my friend's husband is also very difficult, he never picks up his socks' kind of comparisons). I don't think she realises what a healthy relationship actually is. And I don't think she finds it odd that we only make small talk when she is here, that we never have any substantial conversations, sadly I think to her this is absolutely normal.
I just don't know what to do about her future visits. I don't want to go NC with her too. DH and I have very little family who live close enough to see regularly, and she does get along well with my DC, and although she let me down badly when I was a child she has also done many positive practical things for me. However as my DC get older I don't want them to pick up on the awkwardness during her visits, so I feel that we need to communicate in a more relaxed, healthy way. I just wouldn't know how to initiate this, or how to proceed if (as I expect) she just doesn't get it.
Saying anything emotional or personal to her just feels excrutiatingly awkward, like I am a teenager, just thinking about it makes me physically cringe. This is odd as I can easily have emotional conversations with my DH and my friends, I could be more open with someone I got chatting to on a bus rather than my own mother!
This has wound up longer than I expected, thank you for your patience in reading it, I have actually found it really helpful to write it out. I'd appreciate any thoughts/ suggestions, especially from anyone with similar families.