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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

I need a good hard talking to

18 replies

MrsDeathOfRats · 25/04/2016 14:29

Fuck.

Me and H have always been turbulent. It's who we are and it worked for a while. Then we had Dd and life changed but he didn't.
He remained turbulent and I mellowed considerably.

Long story short -
Last night we rowed over stupid stuff that turned into a big pointless argument that culminated in me slapping him in the face.
He said he will move out and I am still sort of numb from it. Like its a weird dream. I'm struggling with the fact I did it.

Anyway, I apologised for doing it. Not as a way to sweep it under the rug, it's over and we both know that but because I am sorry it happened.
He has just come home from work and started yelling at me that I can't just apologise and why did I apologise and what was I expecting. I explained I apologised cos I wanted to. Because I meant it.
Apparently I'm out of order for this. I'm diminishing what happened.

Also, during the row last night he said 'OK! O-fucking-K I'm fucking sorry!' As a way of stopping the argument which infuriated me as he does that and then that means I can't say anything else as if I do I'm rejecting his 'apology' so because I rejected his last night that makes me a hypocrite for saying sorry today.

I need a head shake cos we are stuck in this fucking whirl. It's crazy and stupid and pointless and it's been over for ages but I have the fear and I lack the ability to actually push the big red button.
I feel like a fucking idiot.

OP posts:

Slowdecrease · 25/04/2016 14:34

Push the button and do it quick. You're spiralling rapidly now to the point that your joint frustration at your inability to communicate as flowed over into physical stuff.

Original poster

MrsDeathOfRats · 25/04/2016 14:39

It felt at the time the only way to make some space between us. He was saying such nasty untrue stuff right up in my face. He blames everything on everyone else. Nothing is his fault. Nothing at all.

And no matter how hard I try I ultimately always do something. Say something that he then chooses to take differently to how I meant/conveyed it and that means I have started a row. And even when I say 'but this how I said it so I don't know why you think that' he will just keep repeating what I meant as if he knows what I was thinking and I'm wrong about myself all the time.

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsDeathOfRats · 25/04/2016 14:39

It felt at the time the only way to make some space between us. He was saying such nasty untrue stuff right up in my face. He blames everything on everyone else. Nothing is his fault. Nothing at all.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 25/04/2016 14:40

End it now before your daughter gets fucked up

If both of you are too weak to do it for yourselves, do it for her

Slowdecrease · 25/04/2016 14:42

You can't communicate effectively - maybe its always been that way, in any case, he's committed to misunderstanding you now - you can't change that and reasoning and trying to explain it is a pointless waste of time. You've hit him, it's over. Just put it out of its misery - you will feel crap to start with but you will come out of the other side feeling a different person.

Alasalas2 · 25/04/2016 14:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

MrsDeathOfRats · 25/04/2016 14:44

I have had Lundy bancrofts book recommended several times but I feel I need a book to tell me why I am doing it? Why am I staying?
Why am I having such a hard time detaching?
Why do I feel so guilty? Prior to the slap?
I feel like cos I changed then this my fault.
He is the same as he was before.

I don't understand myself anymore

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsDeathOfRats · 25/04/2016 14:44

I don't understand myself anymore

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsDeathOfRats · 25/04/2016 14:44

I don't understand myself anymore

OP posts:

Slowdecrease · 25/04/2016 14:46

There's no fault about turning out to be incompatible so stop analysing and as others have said, get out of this for your DD's sake. Moving away from a messed up situation is not a failure it just makes sense.

Costacoffeeplease · 25/04/2016 14:47

It doesn't matter who's at fault - it's not working, it's become physical, you need to separate, that's the bottom line

neonrainbow · 25/04/2016 14:48

Your poor child, stuck in the middle of all this dysfunction. End it for her sake if nothing else. If he's goading you and youre assaulting him there isn't really much worth saving.

Friendlystories · 25/04/2016 15:00

Look at it this way, you've said yourself that the two of you are 'stuck in a whirl', that you're doubting yourself and that you don't understand yourself anymore. That's because your relationship is spiralling and you have no chance of clearing your head while you're still in the centre of the storm. You need headspace to be able to see things with any sort of clarity and the only way to do that is to separate, at least for the time being. I suspect that you will come to the conclusion that's it's over but it's sometimes easier to step away if you don't initially label the split as permanent. You can't think straight while you're still together, if you can accept that as a fact then being apart will feel like a positive step rather than 'pushing the big red button' and that initial step to detach will be easier. You have to do it though, don't wait until your DD has seen things she shouldn't see and things have deteriorated so much you don't know which way is up anymore. Be brave

TheNaze73 · 25/04/2016 17:40

End it for your child's sake. I think it all sounds too toxic to recover from this. Had this been reversed & he'd physically hit you, what would you have done?

TheNaze73 · 25/04/2016 17:41

Reread that and it wasn't meant to sound cold. I meant from the sense that a line has been crossed. Sorry if I offended in any way

AnyFucker · 25/04/2016 18:15

Op asked for a hard talking to

That wasn't too harsh, Naze

Original poster

MrsDeathOfRats · 25/04/2016 21:53

Not too harsh.
This fucked up.

What's even more fucked up is how calm I feel. I feel like I couldn't give a flying fuck. And then immediately after that feeling I feel like it'll blow over and let's just pick up.
Then I think no that would be stupid.
Then I feel sad and low and cry a little. Then I feel calm again.

DC aren't aware of this. I have been holding it together cos I'm scared to be alone.
Not parenting alone, cos in many ways that will be easier!! But alone.
Isolated. No one around. Unwanted.

I do feel like a failure. How hard is it to just be nice? Respectful? Fucking compromise everynow and then?
Why wasn't I enough for him to try harder?

OP posts:

Costacoffeeplease · 25/04/2016 21:57

Why isn't he good enough for you to stay?

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