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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So sick of OH lashing out at DD1

47 replies

Lostandlonely1979 · 24/04/2016 20:05

Hi all, posted a while back and, due to awesome mn advice, stood up to OH about him calling my DD1 'stupid' in anger. I told him it was unacceptable and that if he didn't see a doc about his anger issues, I would be off with kids in tow.

So he made an appointment but then due to a calendar clash couldn't make it. Since then, no sign of another booking and I couldn't bring myself to ask and lose yet more respect Because I knew he'd have done nothing more about it.

FF to tonight when he calls DD1 a 'spoiled brat' vecause she wouldn't brush her teeth.

Now I really don't know what to do. Up until that, everything had been much better and he'd been trying to be more helpful, patient etc. I made him go and apologise and have asked him again to make the appointment.

So basically I'm now Mrs Empty Threat. I guess I just don't know when enough is enough. Should I have just told him that was his last chance and he blew it? Really struggling to identify what the right thing to do is.

Appreciate any wise words from you, amazing crew.

OP posts:

blindsider · 25/04/2016 10:38

Hang on you think it is unreasonable for your husband to call your child a spoiled brat for refusing to clean her teeth?

Good god no wonder kids of today are an entitled mess :-(

Original poster

Lostandlonely1979 · 25/04/2016 10:44

^^ it's not that simple. If you'd read the post properly, you'd realise that. Unless you genuinely believe it's fine to call little children names because you're feeling a bit tired or stressed out, in which case I'll pass on your input.

OP posts:

YourLeftElbow · 25/04/2016 10:45

I can't believe some people think it's acceptable for a father to call a 5-y-o stupid. It doesn't sound like an anger issue though really- he just sounds like a twat

Original poster

Lostandlonely1979 · 25/04/2016 10:47

YLE thanks, I agree. He is being a twat, you're right. I said to him last night that he would ever dare say things like that to me, so he clearly can control it. So what, does he not see her as a human being with feelings? As someone else said upthread, he's not doing it to anyone else. Even he admits that.

OP posts:

FelicityR313 · 25/04/2016 10:52

I dont think a prescription will cure this particular symptom.

blindsider · 25/04/2016 11:24

Lostandlonely

If children are behaving like spoiled brats I think it is perfectly reasonable to tell them so. If you are only prepared to accept feedback that backs up your view I am beginning to understand why you have a frustrated husband.

Original poster

Lostandlonely1979 · 25/04/2016 11:27

You're missing the fact that he called her stupid, too.

I am not an idiot. I agree - it's okay to say 'You are behaving like a...'. It's not okay to tell someone 'You are a'. I've said that upthread too, but you seem to have already made your mind up about me.

For example, I can say to you that, towards me, you are behaving like a judgemental, condescending horror. But I'm sure that's not who you are really.

And that's the difference.

OP posts:

Waltermittythesequel · 25/04/2016 11:40

blind this has been an issue before now.

And some people actually don't think it's ok to call children names repeatedly.

blindsider · 25/04/2016 11:40

Lost and Lonely

He called her stupid too??

it's okay to say 'You are behaving like a...'.

That is just sophistry, when people say you are behaving like a complete arse they are saying in that moment you are are being a complete arse -( It isn't a label for all eternity unless you want to be especially precious...)as if magically putting behaving in front of it makes it mean something totally different. Its a bit like the 'everything before the but is irrelevant.'

blindsider · 25/04/2016 11:42

Walter

blind this has been an issue before now.

Fair enough, we are not all MN veterans, I am merely commenting on what is in front of me.

Waltermittythesequel · 25/04/2016 11:48

First paragraph in OP, blind.

You don't need to be a veteran to read the post.

Original poster

Lostandlonely1979 · 25/04/2016 11:50

Blindsider if someone was calling you a stupid/brat/idiot/anything negative I really, really hope that someone would stand up for you and tell them it's not okay.

Nobody deserves to be told that they are no good.

No excuses, ever.

You don't need to be a MN veteran to understand that and if you can't, then at least try to be constructive with your differing opinion (which I would then be able to respect) rather than painting someone as some awful harpie who deserves to be miserable. Especially when they're feeling pretty raw and vulnerable as it is.

Thanks.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lostandlonely1979 · 25/04/2016 11:51

Thanks for the backup, Walter

OP posts:

AliceInUnderpants · 25/04/2016 11:52

Okay, it's not an "anger issue" per se, as you said he can control it. So what is the doctor expected to do?

Original poster

Lostandlonely1979 · 25/04/2016 11:55

Alice TBH I'm not really sure, I guess him going to the GP at least suggests some willingness to change or at least some understanding of the situation. He gets very tired very easily so it would be good/interesting to also get some medical advice on whether there's anything causing that.

I will go with him to the doc to talk things through. Is there somewhere else we should be going? Someone else we could be talking to?

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 25/04/2016 11:57

Blind

Disagree that it's sophistry. It's the difference between "You are bad" and "Your behaviour is bad". Between "You're always X!" and "When you do X, it makes me feel Y."

It's pretty much the cornerstone of having assertive conversations versus just having arguments.

Original poster

Lostandlonely1979 · 25/04/2016 11:58

Thanks pocket. On a huge plus side, I've learned an awesome new word in 'sophistry'.

OP posts:

blindsider · 25/04/2016 12:07

Lostandlonely

My world of living is full of giving

Pocketsaviour

assertive conversations vs arguments ?- sounds like yet more of LnL's new word

Original poster

Lostandlonely1979 · 25/04/2016 12:10

Nope just basic human psychology. Choosing words carefully is critical:

You back people into a corner by finger-pointing and accusing them of being something they're not;

You appeal to their empathetic nature by explaining how their behaviour is affecting you.

It's pretty simple, really.

OP posts:

StKildasNun · 25/04/2016 12:16

I thought DD1 was going to be 15 not 5!

I would speak to a solicitor to ask what the situation will be (regarding home/money) should you divorce so that the threat isn't quite so meaningless. You aren't actually doing anything, just finding out where you would stand.

TendonQueen · 25/04/2016 12:17

I thought GPs could refer patients to anger management courses - that's the value of the appointment, not so much what s/he can do directly.

Original poster

Lostandlonely1979 · 25/04/2016 12:21

StKildas yes afraid so, poor mite. I started looking into where I stand and checked out 'entitledto' for an idea on WTCs. I have a good job (self employed) and some savings now. It does feel good to start the whole 'ducks in a row' process so I feel a bit more in control.

TendonQueen - that's what I'm hoping for. I would also be interested for him to get some kind of health MOT (if they can do such a thing) as he has a chequered past in terms of physical health so it'd be prudent to make sure there's nothing up there, too.

OP posts:

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