DP friend and incidences

[windygales]

Hi MN

My DP and I have 2children and have massive issues.
Anyway I've had a few incidences with DPs "friend".
Then he went away for a bit and now he's back and I'm thinking about it again.
The incidences are....
Before DCs He pushed me against the bar in a pub and said now I've got an erection, then all his and DPs friends laughed. I told my DP and he said I probably have given him the wrong signals (or something along those lines).
Another time we had a few drinks and he was supposed to sleep in spare room, I woke up to him groping me, I was bleary eyed but I saw DP in front of me asleep with his back turned to me. I told DP but he didn't listen.
I saw him a few days ago and he said my nail varnish was sexy. I felt sick and told DP and he said he's just paying you a compliment. I said don't you remember what's he's done to me previously, DP said "what do you want me to say and do"

What do I want him to do? What would you want him to do?

Help as I don't know how to sort this out, am I over reacting in my feelings and I can barely go near DP as I feel he's disrespectful so we've not DTD since 18 months ago. TIA

You need to LTB

He is allowing his friend to sexually assault you. Nothing about that is ok.

If you don't like him and he makes you feel uncomfortable then there is only 1 thing your DP can do: step up and choose to put you and your comfort first.

You want him to say he believes you and accepts that his friend has been a total twat. You want him to say that he will prevent it from happening again and/or will be vigilant and will tell his friend, loudly, that he is out of order, should the occasion arise.

You need to ask him why he can't do that!

Get rid.

He clearly has no respect for you - he allows his friend to assault you and doesn't seem to care. That is not a healthy relationship.

I think you need to be direct with this man yourself if you can.

What he did was unforgivable.

Your dp isn't listening to you which doesn't help.

Can you make sure your not alone with this man ?

God, what a fucking creep that man is and what a spineless bastard your partner is. Surely you'd be better off getting out of a relationship where your partner allows his friend to molest you?

He sexually assaulted you while you were asleep and your partner thinks it's no big deal?

Holy fucking shit!

This friend of his needs to be kept well away from you. Permanently. And so does the partner if he can't step up and deal with him.

Your partner's complete under-reaction is very worrying. Very worrying indeed.

CaptainAwkward.com has got lots of good advice about how to deal with a creep like this. Really good stuff. And about how to deal with a partner or friends who won't support you appropriately. You might like to have a read through the archives there. Because yep, your partner should be helping and supporting you, and yep, your partner's friend has assaulted you and your partner's reaction to that is entirely inappropriate.

LTB, that way you kill two birds with one stone.

This man sexually assaulted while you were in bed with your dp who was asleep? And your dp didn't punch his lights out take him to task?

Unbelievable!! Not that I doubt you, OP, but I am finding hard it to believe that your dp didn't act, and hasn't acted, to protect you from this man's unwelcome attentions n any way, shape, or form.

As for him victim-blaming you for the earlier sexual assault his friend committed in the pub what manner of alien species man is he?

Please do yourself and your dc a favour by getting shot of your not very 'd'p, and don't hesitate to report his "friend" to the police if he tries it on with you again. .

Sound s like his friend is testing the water, it probably won't be long before he might rape you.

I would report it to the police, or whoever you report it to that will hold on record on him.

As far as your dp, he should at least cut all ties with his friends...what friend would do that to him? He is no friend at all.

And the shaming that you may have caused it is awful. This is why slutwalk came to existence.

I wonder your dp knows what his friend is doing and allowed it.

LTB this sounds like a dangerous situation for you and your 'd'p doesn't appear to give a shit.

So sorry this is happening, you deserve so much better. Please leave ASAP.

He doesn't love you. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but from what you've said that's the bottom line. Please report his 'friend' as quickly as you can then get the hell out. You deserve better.

I would report to the police.

I'm 😮 at your partners response. My DH would have actually knocked him out.

Sorry this happened to you

I can just about get my head around your reaction to this vile excuse for a human but I can not understand why your partners behaviour hasn't set off alarm bells. I dread to think what messages your weak willed, sexual abuse apologist partner would send to your children.

I can see why your not so dear partner is friends with this arsewipe but I can't fathom why he's your partner. You don't have a friend of a DP problem you have a not so dear P problem. If your P's behaviour has not been a deal breaker, it begs the question what other shit you've been putting up with.

You need to get shut of both of these utter creeps

As others have said, there is something seriously wrong with your partner's reaction. How can he dismiss the fact that you have been sexually assaulted? You need to get away from such a toxic environment. How will you feel if you have daughters who are similarly dismissed by their father?

He has sexually assaulted you twice. I know for a fact if this were a friend of DH's, there would have been no second incident, he'd have been removed from our lives, most likely with a sore jaw.

Your DP is spineless, quite frankly. I think you need to tell the 'friend' he is a sleazy fucker and if he ever touches you again you will report him to the police, and 'D'P would be gone too.

Sound s like his friend is testing the water, it probably won't be long before he might rape you

I'm sorry, but this is spot on. He will soon up his game.

You need to leave your DP and get rid of both these men. It beggars belief how your DP is turning a blind eye to you being assaulted. Jesus fucking christ.

The whole situation is horrifying.

Your kids probably not safe around him either. I would leave immediately.

I'm so sorry you have no one standing up for you OP, that must feel awful, I'm really scared for you that if something happened your P couldn't be relied on to stop it.

I know it's easy for us to say but please leave your partner.

It sounds like him and all his mates are dicks or scared to not laugh along with the creep, it may not seem this way but laughing is not a usual way to react to a mate pushing another mate's wife. You're nothing to them and you're not safe around them.

Take care and stay well away from all of them including your P

op, have you posted about this before ?

I was thinking the same thing AF.

Sorry I've not replied for ages.
I might have posted before as I wasn't sure if it was assault. I feel like I'm over thinking it and it's not assault. So knew mumsnet will know.

I will write more later. I just put the baby to bed

I think you need to remove yourself and your baby from this toxic environment once and for all.
Was it you who wrote about a couple you knew that involved the woman enjoying acting out being a baby?
It is all too easy to find yourself caught up with people who are very unhinged and you can soon loose touch of what is normal and healthy.
You need a plan of action; don't do anything too hastily unless you rear for your safety.
Is there a family support worker you can ask for advice?
I would advocate being a bit economical with the truth as you don't wont social services jumping on your back ( as you know they have to assess people from a script)
Do you want your child growing up thinking this kind of behaviour is the norm?
Would it be possible to relocate to another area for a fresh start?