I need relationship advice please.

[JenniferYellowShat]

i thought this might work in Chat but I don't seem to be getting much response so far.

I hope you can help, please.

My partner and I have been together for well over a decade, we have two children and due to marry in September.

Thing is we keep really arguing and falling out. In front of the kids which is totally unacceptable.

The issues are that we both work full time and a fudging shattered. We snap and gripe. We try to communicate but the tiredness and bollocks just get in the way.

The youngest (nearly 5) is like a limpet. He is attached to me, he's a proper mummies boy.
But also means he comes to me to whinge, moan, complain, ask, beg for stuff etc etc.

I adore him but find him an utter fucking drain. It's a phase. One my eldest went through but it's hard and I snap.

My DP tries his hardest to deal with him or refuse his whims (quite rightly as well some times!)

We are generally finding family life hard, we want to stay together but want to stop shouting and screaming at each other in tiredness and frustration.

How can we get through this?
We are currently in crisis talks and wondering if we should marry at all, and should just split.

Couples counselling?

First things first though. Stop blaming it on tiredness and frustration. Every parent has that. Most of us have a child go through a limpet stage. Lots of us have both parents working. Most people do not scream and shout and each other in front of the children. So, step one, stop blaming that.

How does a typical shouting match start?

Fuck me, you don't pull any punches do you?

Maybe that's what we need!

Today for example, so snapped and shouted because I was utterly infuriated that he 'got up to the kids' after his day of rest yesterday (literally I didn't everything. Figured we each needed a 'day off') and he went into the living room and fell asleep. Leaving the parenting to me. Helpful.

Usually he wouldn't do that. But it set the tone and fucked me off.

Anyone? Please?

Is my issu to tedious to answer? Probably. I agree, even. Bloody pathetic issues.

It's almost impossible to know without more information about the interaction? e.g. What happened when he woke up? Did he apologise and get stuck in? How much open communication is happening? Is it mostly resentment, competitive tiredness and sniping at each other? Do you also support each other? like each other?

When ds woke him up, he went through into the living room gave ds cereal but took a quilt and slept on the sofa.

Ds continuously cried, tantrumed and was a PITA for the next two hours.

One time DP called from the living room when ds was having a crying fit in the hall "come here ds what's wrong?" Over and over again. As opposed to getting up and seeing to him. As I bloody did, eventually.

I got up and asked him to please deal with the situation. I'm tired and I've had enough.

He screeched that it was 8am (so 2 hours of shit had passed by this time - whilst he slept on the sofa) and I was already 'getting at him'. Slammed the door on me.

9am ds came in and asked why we were getting married anymore. Apparently do had said that we weren't after I'd asked him to get up and help out.

9.30, I've had enough, I'm washed and dressed and telling them kids to come out with me, he's just about crawling off the sofa.

He isn't usually such a lazy bastard to be fair so fuck know why he's did that when the day before had a whole day off from us.

I guess we support each other otherwise. Yes. We are on the same team when it comes to the kids, we talk things through.

We have been competitively tired this weekend, yes.

Something like this happens every day?

You implied in your post that you start some of it. How does that go? In your example above he was being an utter shit. I am gobsmacked at you wanting still to live with him never mind marry him after he told your DS that you weren't getting v married. Poor DS. Is he often used as a weapon?

You Don't need a day off each you need to Co parent. I tend to agree with rabbit. Your home situation is toxic, what an unpleasant thing for your dp to say to your son...
Divide and conquer if your son is clingy but it is a stage.
Competitive parenting will get you no where.

Some people are very affected by the tiredness of young kids but you need to look at your lifestyles and build in more calm if you are at it at each other like this - exercise, work a bit less, meditate, whatever. Is the wedding plan worsening things?

I started it yesterday morning, yes. I was utterly livid that he slept on the sofa instead of looking after our children. And I told him so.

Last weekend it started because I was in Brighton and was about time get the train home but Brighton marathon had screwed that up (huge queues, trains fully booked) so I called him and asked him to pick me up. It was 5pm and it's a 15 minute journey in the car and he was really pissed off, spoke to me like an arsehole so I got cross and started that one too.

We haven't argued before that.

He has said though that when he comes home it's too an atmosphere (this will be because my son has probably wound me up something rotten) and that he feels like he can't get near me.

I used to feel like that when exh came in and I had a full on day with my DS1 who has asd. I needed half an hour to unwind and chill a bit and I was a nicer person. Could he take your son for a while so you could unwind? Then have a chat? Prepare dinner etc

What's your day like? Who drops the children off to school, picks them up from childcare, sorts out evening meals etc? Is there teamwork there, or do you coordinate it all?

I'm wondering whether the third party in your relationship is resentment.

Liney me, me and me.

But it's because DP starts work earlier than me and works later than me. So 7am - 5am

Where as I'm 9am - 4pm in a school so half terms and holidays are all down to me.

He's self employed so doesn't get any paid holiday.

I can't resent him for what he can't do. But by God did I resent him on Sunday morning for not looking after the kids and sleeping on the sofa.

I also resent the fact that the 5 year old is permenantly attached to me. I think DP and DS2 need to work on their relationship.

I think they do, too. Telling his little boy that you weren't getting married was a petty, damaging thing to do.

Does your DP respect his family? I know that might sound an odd question, but I think it matters. The Brighton thing you referred to earlier makes me wonder if, rather than cherishing you all, your DP has built up a feeling of being constantly 'put out'.

And that would need him to work on himself to sort it out.

You didn't start it yesterday. He did, by failing to do his part of the deal, which meant you got woken up because the DC were neglected when they needed help and general parenting.

You didn't start it over the train either. He started it by talking to you like an arsehole.

In both cases, you pulled him up over his bad behaviour.

You have some unusual ideas about what is acceptable behaviour. You are blaming yourself for getting upset at his bad behaviour. That's not right.

What are DP's plans for sorting out his relationship with DS2?

I should have stressed that the relationship between your DP and DS2 is your DP's responsibility to sort out, not your nearly-5-years-old son's!

Is your DS2 in an after-school club? Perhaps DP can do some of the pick-ups, to muck in with his life a bit more, have that after school chat and a bit of 'bonding'.

He isn't, but he definitely needs to do more bonding.

When I was away for two days with appendicitis in hospital then in bed recovering for a further day, they became very close. It was so lovely to see, and weight off my shoulders.

I will encourage that more.

And yes, I do think he feels 'put out' I will talk to him about that.

I recommend the book
"How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and How to Listen so Kids Will Talk"
This book changed my life-in a good way.

It is about communicating with children, but I found that it applies to communication with adults as well.

I agree with what RunRabbit said. Your dp just isn't very nice to you.

You do have to stop the competitive tiredness and focus on pulling together with life. Sit down together and have an honest conversation. The shouting and snipping just has to stop. Also, what's with having days off? For sure take it in turns to get up at the weekend but then it's a shared thing.

Take a look at ways of making the whole thing a bit more fun and a bit less resentment filled. It's really easy to slip into this way of being but possible to recover things if you both want to.

Thank you. You've really helped me.

I've got an action plan to discuss now. Hopefully he'll be on board.

Sorry been at work - I really hope you have been able to talk things through.