Mum popping up randomly sick of it!

[yvonneh66]

I have two 5 yr olds, DD & DS (boy and girl twins) as well as a 7 yr old DD. My mum feels its ok to come round without calling randomly to take out the kids. She came round to our house and told DH she wanted to take the kids to asda with her at 9pm when they were asleep! She has been doing this for over a month now and i've told her over and over not to do it or call to confirm were available at the time and she ignores me or screams at me thru the phone or when she shows up. The twins are also very light sleepers so when they hear the bell go they come running down stairs to see which messes up their sleep routine and are tired by the morning for school. i'm really getting sick of it. My dad says the same about it. i tried having a sit down with her aswell on wednesday while kids were at school and said "mum, i need you to stop coming round our house without ringing me or DH first because its messing up the kids sleep" and she once again screamed at me to stop being so childish and that my kids need to be able to go out sometimes. she was round til 7 on saturday and gave the kids some sweets right after brushed teeth i took it lightly and quietly told the kids to go brush their teeth again 30 mins after. they went up and i took mum into kitchen and told her not to do that. she started shouting that i was a selfish cow and slapped my arm,so i gave her stuff back to her and told her to get out of my house and not come back until i decide she can. might seem harsh to some but i cant take it anymore, am i a bad mum or a bad daughter? kids came down and asked wheres nanny so i told them shes away for a while and sent them to bed. just had a nice dinner with dh and we talked about what to do. dh said only let her in when she calls beforehand (which she never does). i dont want to ban her completely, she is my mum after all and loves the kids but i feel she takes her welcome too literally and thinks she can just come in whenever she feels its ok. what do i do?

[Names removed by MNHQ]

Ignore her back. Do not open doors for her , return her calls, etc. For a while tell her why you are doing this plus you do not like her shouting at you

I suggest you ask MN to take your children's names out of your post, it's potentially very identifying.

Umm, is she ok? I mean, is she herself? This all sounds very strange to have just started a month ago. And does she usually slap you? Is that normal for her?

First of all delete your children's names from this post. Well it wouldn't have bothered me if my mum had randomly come to visit as long as it wasn't every night.
Are you sure she wanted to get the children up to take them to asda? Strange if it was a school night or already in bed. So I totally agree this is unreasonable.
The sweets thing was an overreaction on both your parts. I would have let it go for once and wouldn't have lectured her but her reaction was awful.
I don't agree with what your mums thoughtlessness but you do seem rather controlling. I think she means well but has no right to shout or slap. Awful.

And you are doing fine.I would not do what your husband suggestthough. She shouted and slapped you. You and the kids do not need this. She made it about her so keep doing what you are doing and let her know you are ready to see her again (unless she won't change)

She slapped your arm ??!! Wtf ? I wouldn't let her in but I guess she'd stand and shout through the door. She's seriously over stepping the mark. Has she always been this overbearing or is it a new thing ?

If she's hitting you and screaming at you, you are absolutely right to take a very firm line. I think your DH is right: tell her that, unless she calls beforehand to ask if she can come, you won't be letting her in no matter how much fuss she makes. If possible, disconnect your doorbell after 9 p.m.

Also I don't remember my kids getting up once they had gone to bed if a visitor came. All sounds rather odd.

sorry, did not know to delete my kids names, mumsnet asked me for them so i assumed it was ok since there are many kids of the same names oops.

rudeelf, im not sure, it is very strange. maybe she thinks the kids are grown enough or something. she has never slapped me since i was a teenager. this behaviour is so out of the blue.

newworldnow i wouldnt mind much either except we have just moved 2 wks ago and are still decorating the house so the kids are unsettled as it is. for the first couple times i was ok with it but she has been doing it so much i am beginning to snap at people around me for it. and yes, she defo did want to get them up to take them to asda. she told dh and me specifically
perhaps i did overreact to my mum giving the kids sweets, although i think it is just me being protective over their teeth and whatnot. my parents sort of neglected my teeth and let me have whatever i wanted as a kid so my teeth got bad (they are fixed now of course) and i dont want my kids to end up the same. i let them have sweets a couple times a week and make sure they brush their teeth morning and night, i just think it was a little rude to give them sweets after i had just made the kids go brush their teeth. before would have been fine.

I think as it is so out of character, especially the violence maybe there is something more serious going on here. Does she have any mental health issues you know of? Or is there something happening in some other aspect of her life that she is stressing out over? It just all sounds very odd.

Is she drunk. Seems really odd

Yes I think something else must be going on in her life if it's out of character. Maybe she wants to get away from her own home for a while. She is being inconsiderate but maybe has other things on her mind.
Try to be firm but in a kind way.
Missing doing teeth once or twice won't hurt.
She obviously wants yo be involved in your life and house move but must respect your wishes more as you're an adult!
I would never have taken my mum into the kitchen to tell her off. She used to giver new borns chocolate.
Your mums reaction was awful. So it's a question of finding some balance that suits everyone.
Maybe take her out for cake and coffee and be gentle but firm.

Sounds very odd to me. Unless she is normally wacky, I'd be doing some investigation.

If this is a recent development and it's out of character for your mum to scream/shout at, and hit, you I suggest you encourage her to make an appointment with her GP as, without wishing to alarm you, an abrupt change behaviour can be caused by some underlying neurological condition such as early onset Alzheimer's, a tumour (the vast majority of tumours are benign), or a mini-stroke.

I also suggest you ask her, or your df, if she's been prescribed new medication for an existing condition, or if she's had a fall and hit her head at any time in the past few weeks?

Mumsnet asked you for the names of your kids? What?

could be that it is an issue with my dad at home. they have been avoiding each other a lot lately and my mum used to talk about him every time we chatted. now she doesnt mention him much at all. after thinking it over i think ill have a chat with her and ask her whats going on. maybe looking for consolation and i might have been too harsh

distancecall at signup it asks you for your childs name

MN gives the OPTION of giving kids names in registration form but most of us enjoy being anon to be able to speak freely.

Wrt your mum this sounds like a medical issue. Lots of possible reasons, infection, diabetes, stroke, heart attack, DVT, early dementia. Definitely needs to see Dr. How old is she (roughly?) How is her health usually?

Oh I see.

She may be overrelying on you because things are not fine in her own home, yes. So I think it's a good idea to ask. But you really need to put a stop to it. It's not acceptable. Children are not pets that can be walked whenever it suits her.

I hate to say it, but while some MH issue may be at play here, there is another possibility.

OP has said her mum talked about her dad all the time but doesn't now, and her parents apparently avoid talking now. I would have to wonder if there's been an affair on one side or the other.

OP, you can ask MN to take the names out by reporting your post and asking them to do so.

Talk to her alone and say firmly that she has to stop coming unannounced, stop all shouting and making scenes and no, there will be no outings with her which have not been planned, especially after bedtime. However, of course you want to see her and spend time together as a family.

If she still reacts badly I would be questioning her mental health or, as a pp says, has something significant happened to send her off kilter?

It does sound difficult.

As I'm sure you're anxious to avoid any further confrontational scenes, you're best advised to chat to your mum in a manner that suggests you are coming from a place of concern for her rather than laying down the law, OP.

Perhaps you could invite her out for a morning coffee/mooch around the shops, or invite her to your home when the dc are in school?