No idea what to do next?

[Purplerain067]

Don't really know where to start but feel free to ask any questions.

Been seperated from ex and father of my DD for 4 years, she is 4.5. He moved away to work when she was 6 months old and has never had a set routine in regards to seeing her. Travels over whenever and asks the day before if he can see her. She has never been keen to go with him but has always been ok with a bit of persuasion and promise of a great time.

However, he has only been back a couple of times this year and each time he has come to pick her up she has refused to go. She will cry hysterically and avoids any contact with him whatsoever, she will cling to me and make her body heavy so he cannot pick her up. Each time this has happened he has tried to persuade her etc but all to no avail, and I've ended up asking him to leave as he is distressing her.

The last time this happened he wanted to shove her in his car and drive off to let her "calm down". I said no way and suggested that next time we meet somewhere she enjoys so she can spend time with him without the drama of being torn from her home and me, until she is happy to go along with him again.

Am I being unreasonable? He thinks I am as she is 4.5 and he doesn't want to be treated as a "criminal"- his words not mine. However I think I'm being very reasonable considering the circumstances.

I don't know what to do next, any advice is welcome!!

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

I think it's perfectly understandable to not want your daughter to be so distressed.

Perhaps if you met up with him at the park and the three of you spent an hour or two there, she'd be a bit better. Repeat that several times and she might feel happy to go out with him without you.

If he's not willing to invest the time in making her happy, then he's the one with the problem, not you or her.

If he can't/won't (and I don't see how he can't) spend some proper time with his dd and build a relationship with her, then he's a stranger.

So, no, it's not ok for him to fucking abduct her until she calms down!

If he doesn't want to be treated like a criminal he should stop thinking like one.

I think your suggestion is sensible and generous. If he doesn't like it, he can do one.

I have a 4.5 year old and no way in HELL would I let her go off sobbing with a virtual stranger. Agree with PPs that your suggestion is very good and if he wants to see her that much he will go with it and keep doing it as long as it takes for her to be comfortable with him. If he's 'fun daddy' and not 'grumpy sulky daddy' at these meetings then that will be all the sooner.

Imo neglecting to form a relationship with his own dd is criminal and he's got to realise that turning up as and when he feels like it is unlikely to create a situation where she will happily spend time with him without you being present.

I agree with Walter; if the insensitive twat is not prepared to accede to your sensible and generous suggestion, tell him do one.

YANBU. I think it's important that she gets to know who her dad is, but the current situation is very emotionally damaging for her.
She needs a routine and to see him a little and often if they are ever going to have a " normal" healthy relationship.
I would suggest meeting up with you present at all times until she is happy and confident to feel she can trust him.

"I have a 4.5 year old and no way in HELL would I let her go off sobbing with a virtual stranger."
This^.

I am glad you all agree with me and don't think I'm being unreasonable. It's been playing on my mind for months and I honestly think I am being the better person for suggesting meeting somewhere she enjoys and by not just telling him to get lost.

He will not agree to meet at the park and spend time with her that way, he says why should he when she will eventually calm down.

I said if he cannot agree to that then I have nothing more to suggest.

He said see you in court then. I'm not sure if anyone has any experience of this but I'm sure they'd just offer him something similar?

I don't want to sound alarmist, but your DD's reaction made the hackles on my neck rise.

Have you asked her, when she is in a calm mood, what nice things she does with daddy, and what things that she doesn't like? Have you had the pants talk with her?

I have asked those questions pocketsaviour she didn't say anything alarming. Just usual things like building towers, playing the computer etc.

Have had the pants chat too as there were posters in her nursery and she asked me why there were pants everywhere.