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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

We were together for 10 years and he is on POF within 2 weeks of breakup!

26 replies

C0C0 · 23/04/2016 18:36

I have just seen my ex on POF (plenty of fish dating website), I was just looking specifically to see if he was on there yet as his mate uses it and hooks up all the time with randoms which he used to joke about, I am not ready to date and if I was I wouldn't go on there.

We literally just broke up 2 weeks ago! To me it seems way too soon, even though it was me who said it was over and he agreed, I feel hurt by it. Like I mean't nothing to him which is pretty much how I felt towards the end anyway.

I know its none of my business any more, we have a daughter who is with him at the moment and he is on POF (it said he was online now)!

Am I overreacting? I know I shouldn't let it get to me but it has, the thought of him with someone else so soon makes me feel sick.

OP posts:
PamDooveOrangeJoof · 23/04/2016 18:42

You dumped him. It's nothing to do with you.
I'm sure lots of people are on dating websites as soon as they get dumped.

Original poster
C0C0 · 23/04/2016 18:47

I know, I know Pam. It just confirms to me how it was the right decision but very weird to see him there at the same time!

OP posts:
Kirk123 · 23/04/2016 18:48

I had the same experience with my ex of 30 years and I was distraught , it felt like he had moved on so quickly and he left me for ow and was still on dating site ! It's too raw for you yet , but I promise you that you will get stronger my lovely , look after you now you deserve better

Poppledopple · 23/04/2016 18:48

Thats just something you have to deal with and get used to.

Mine was on it within 24hrs of leaving our 22 year marriage. But in reality it had been over for a long time before that day and this is just how many men respond.

You need to emotionally protect yourself - it will hurt, but you cannot control it. At least you were the one who called time on the marriage. Stick with the thoughts of why you did that. Build a better positive life for you and your DD.

Expect a string of girlfriends - so agree with you x that your DD is only introduced to a new partner after say 6, 9, or 12 months. She is important here.

Cinnamon2013 · 23/04/2016 18:50

Sympathies. It's a bit tacky and crass - and of course very hurtful. But you have broken up and it's tough and of course it seems crap that he's bounced back so quickly - but everyone works through stuff in a different way, by crying or rebounding. It'll probably hit home for him in a year or so - no one who isn't a psychopath gets over a 10-year relationship involving children in two weeks. But the upshot is he's entitled to do this, to date online or any other way. He has a different life now. And while it must feel incredibly hard to accept, you need to let him live it.

Original poster
C0C0 · 23/04/2016 18:54

Yes Cinnamon, since I have ended the relationship I have realised it was abusive (emotionally) and I suspect him to have NPD (narcissist personality disorder).

I know I have made the right decision and I must stick to it however much it hurts for now, I know I will get stronger again in the future.

OP posts:
LisaRinnasLips · 23/04/2016 18:58

Most men cannot be alone, they move on very quickly.

FatPaul · 23/04/2016 19:08

You ended it, as harsh as it sounds it's nothing to do with you.

OurBlanche · 23/04/2016 19:16

I am not ready to date and if I was I wouldn't go on there. So... obvious question... why were you one there then?

If it was to see if he was there you are torturing yourself. Stop it! Now

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 23/04/2016 19:19

Men move on quickly. I haven't known any that haven't.

SurferJet · 23/04/2016 19:20

More proof that you made the right decision in ending the relationship. If he'd truly loved you, I mean truly madly deeply, he'd still be crying over you not on POF.

Forget about him.

TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos · 23/04/2016 19:21

At least it was after, not before ...

Seeyounearertime · 23/04/2016 19:29

I think men believe that the sooner they get another GF the sooner it won't hurt. But then I believe most men are emotionally screwed up, especially myself.

annandale · 23/04/2016 19:36

I left my xh. He was very hurt. It was horrible and I felt extremely bad about it but knew it was the right decision. I had one date six months later, another a year after that but in both cases realised it was still too soon. Eventually met dh 3 years after xh and I broke up.

In the meantime his parents had fixed him up with someone else six weeks after I left and they were certainly still together ten years later.

It is shit because it makes you feel that you could have been anyone and that all their declarations of love mean very little, it's just a warm body and a vagina that they are interested in.

MsMims · 23/04/2016 21:30

I agree with PP that this seems quite common with men. Try not to take it personally.

TheNaze73 · 23/04/2016 21:46

Men don't mope to deal with a break up. They get under someone, to get over someone.

Choceeclair123 · 23/04/2016 21:48

I think it probably says more about him than about you. Needy and insecure perhaps? He probably hasn't been too happy about being dumped either and is looking to recover his self esteem and just piss you off!

Don't feel sad, feel sorry for the poor cow he gets with! Thanks

Absinthe9 · 23/04/2016 21:57

My exH of 20+ years and I split when I found out about his affair (which later turned out to be one of many). I kicked him out, the "love of his life" vacillated about leaving her husband so my exH got straight onto dating sites and had another woman (who was pregnant by someone else) within two weeks!

When I suggested this was a bit quick, his reply was that he "couldn't possibly be alone". Says volumes doesn't it.

He has remarried now of course. She's welcome!

Diamogs · 23/04/2016 23:45

Yes another one here, after 25 years XH was straight onto a number of obscure dating websites.

Original poster
C0C0 · 24/04/2016 00:24

I am glad in a way that he was on there as suspected because I was starting to doubt my decision as he has been quite nice and reasonable since we broke up.

Just have to keep reminding myself why we broke up and get on with life. Thanks!

OP posts:
Inexperiencedchick · 24/04/2016 00:31

Some of them even marry in a month since break up.
Just keep reminding yourself why did you break up with him...

Hugs

newworldnow · 24/04/2016 00:45

I know. Its as if your previous life has been disregarded. He sounds very insecure.
Pathetic needy reaction. Best rid.

RudeElf · 24/04/2016 00:48

Its entirely possible he is trying to distract himself from not so nice feelings from the break up. Maybe he is trying to bolster his pride to prove he is still attractive/dateable.

Please dont torture yourself over what he is doing. People handle break ups in different ways.

LisaRinnasLips · 24/04/2016 06:47

And they call women needy...

RudeElf · 24/04/2016 12:42

Correct me if i'm wrong but i dont think the actions of one man (or even a few if going by this thread) represent all men. Just like one woman crying into a tub of ben and jerry's doesnt represent all women.

Yes some people, men and women, are needy. I cant see what this guy has done wrong wrt OP. He didnt seek her out to tell her he was dating again. she went looking for the information.