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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Pregnant and still struggling with husbands affair

46 replies

cherrypiew4 · 23/04/2016 11:50

I have posted before dh had an affair last September. We have been trying to make the marriage work he does everything he can to make it right and we have been going to councilling, I still struggle with it all. A few days ago I found out that I am pregnant complete shock and I have done nothing but cry since. We had are last child 4 years ago and none of us wanted anymore. I am pretty sure it would be a bad idea to continue with this pregnancy not just because of the state of my marriage but financially also. Most of the time I don't want my husband but my head is all over the place and part of me thinks that a new baby might just be a new start for us. I don't know what to do anybody else been in this situation. I feel so fed up and everything is getting on top of me

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 23/04/2016 23:45

Why the hell are people telling the OP to continue with the pregnancy? Who the fuck are you to tell her what to do?! Only she can decide. No anti-choice bullshit please.

OP I'm sorry you find yourself in this difficult situation and especially that your parents are being unsupportive. Is there anyone else who might be more understanding and supportive, who would listen and not push you one way or the other? A sibling or good friend maybe?

Regarding the pregnancy I suggest you talk to your GP or an abortion clinic about counselling to help you make a decision - they will be trained and impartial and won't pressure you in any direction unlike some people on this thread.

dillydotty · 24/04/2016 01:25

Emma sometimes I wish mumsnet had a like button.

goddessofsmallthings · 24/04/2016 03:43

As it is of particular relevance to this thread I'm taking the liberty of posting what you wrote here a week or so ago, cherry:

"I know I will never feel the same about him again I see him differently now. I use to see a man who I thought loved only me now I see a man who can cheat and do all those things that comes with cheating. I do still love him but he is diiferent to me if that makes sense. I did tell him I would give it a year and I do feel I should stick to this we keep working towards different points to help when we get there we sit down talk and decide the next point. First it was work towards christmas then easter now its half term in May. I just want to feel happy again and when I look at him I am not."

With the best will in the world, it will take far longer than the duration of a pg for you to feel happy when you look at your h and there's no guarantee that you'll ever be truly happy again in your marriage when looking at him is a constant reminder of the man who did cheat and could easily do so again.

As their reaction is predictabIe, I would suggest you refrain from telling your dps about this latest development and also take them out of the equation when making your decision.

While unlikely to be of any consolation to you, the urgent decision you are now required to make will be easier than the one you will eventually have to make with regard to ending a relationship of some 20 years duration that has produced 4 dc, or continuing in your unhappy state until it either alleviates of its own accord or becomes unbearable as well as untenable.

I wish you the fortitude to put your needs first in both matters as failing to do so may cause long-lasting adverse repercussions for you and your dc.

Baconyum · 24/04/2016 03:49

Awful situation for you, doesn't sound as if the relationship is going to last regardless of if you fell pregnant or not.

Re the pregnancy though can you access unbiased pregnancy counselling? So you can explore all possible options?

It has to be your decision but I've been a LP for 13 years since dd was 2, bloody hard but I don't regret it, but that's just me, your situation is yours.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Original poster

cherrypiew4 · 24/04/2016 10:41

I have an appointment booked for 2 weeks at the abortion clinic I made it on Friday it was the earliest I could get with working. The lady on the phone told me I will be offered counselling there.

I have a close friend who I have told everything to and she is been very good. Sadly her own marriage broke down a few weeks ago so I feel like I am adding to her stress. One thing I do know I will not be speaking to my parents.

goddess I do still feel like that he is not the same man.

Feeling very low and tearful today just wanted to stay in bed and forget everything.

Thank you everyone.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 24/04/2016 11:12

Take care, lovey x

NameChange30 · 24/04/2016 12:22

Glad you don't plan to talk to your parents about it, that seems very wise to me.

Is there any way you could take a bit of time off work (which you should be entitled to for a medical appointment) and bring your appointment forward? It would be good to speak to someone ASAP while you still have the luxury of time of think about your decision. If you decide on an abortion it's legal up to 24 weeks but it's obviously easier (practically and physically) the sooner you do it.

HelenaDove · 24/04/2016 18:04

If you give him a year OP and then decide to split you wont be able to cite adultery. I think the time limit is six months.

goddessofsmallthings · 24/04/2016 18:13

Adultery can only be cited as ground for divorce for six months after the date of discovery and when that time has elapsed the law takes the view that the wronged spouse has condoned it.

By my reckoning divorcing on the ground of his adultery ceased to be an option for you cFebruary/March of this year, cherry, but this doesn't mean you can't cite his infidelity as being one of the reasons when/if you seek to divorce on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour.

HelenaDove · 24/04/2016 18:20

Good point Goddess IMO the six month stipulation is ridiculous.

AnyFucker · 24/04/2016 18:21

Six months is no time at all. I imagine you are just getting over the initial shock by that stage.

MsMommie · 24/04/2016 18:32

Well, I can tell you 100% that a baby isn't a 'fresh start' OR a reason to stay in a miserable relationship.
Maybe if your OH actually owned what he's done rather than come out with his bullshit excuses you'd be able to move forward.

Personally, I wouldn't have an abortion. Financially, you'll survive. But if he hadn't have had the affair then would you even consider it as seriously?
You'll be the one left to deal with the emotional mess, he's already backed out of that by not helping you come to a decision. Just like you're dealing with the shit he's already thrown at you.
Keep your baby OP, please.

NameChange30 · 24/04/2016 18:44

I have no words (none that are permitted by the talk guidelines, that is) so I'll just go with

DailyFailAreABunchOfCunts · 24/04/2016 19:39

MsMommie - stop projecting your own feelings onto the OP's situation. You have absolutely no right to tell her to 'keep her baby'. It is the OP's decision, not yours

HelenaDove · 24/04/2016 19:44

is all i can do with that post too Emma

HelenaDove · 24/04/2016 19:46

Mrs Mommie you are of course just as vocal when it comes to men paying (Or not paying) Child Support Because i havent spotted you on any of those threads. Just saying!

Pinkheart5915 · 24/04/2016 19:46

dailyfailareabunchofcunts well said wish I had a like button for your comment.

Op has to make the decision that is best for her.
It's easy for people to say oh I wouldn't have an abortion but nobody really knows that until there is a situation like the op's.

NameChange30 · 24/04/2016 19:50

I do think now would be a good time to remind a few PPs of this comment from the OP:
" I am pretty sure it would be a bad idea to continue with this pregnancy not just because of the state of my marriage but financially also."
...and to point out that the OP already has four children.

So, continuing the pregnancy and raising a fifth child in the context of a relationship and financial difficulties is a very big ask - not impossible, of course, if the OP WANTS to do it, but it's completely wrong to pressure the OP into doing so.

This is 100% your choice, OP. Please don't listen to anyone who tries to pressure you one way or the other.

I hope you can get some counselling sooner rather than later so you won't have to rely solely on the mixed bag of "advice" you get on here!

Original poster

cherrypiew4 · 24/04/2016 20:17

Emma I tried to get something this week but with work and the clinic only open on certain days they could not fit me in. Dc goes nursery 2 days a week so I am going on one of those days or I would have to ask parents to take her did not want them asking questions about why they were having her for an extra day. Wish I could of got in sooner though.

Well asked h today how he feels about the abortion and he said "I am ok. Asked him how he feels about keeping the baby and he said " I don't know " there is no doubt in my mind now that he does not want the baby. Any decision I make I have to make on my own.

OP posts:

Baconyum · 24/04/2016 20:31

Msmommie utterly unnecessary post!

NameChange30 · 24/04/2016 20:37

Sorry they couldn't fit you in sooner, OP. At least you do have an appointment booked in. I agree that you do need to make the decision on your own - hope you have some time and space to think about over the next days and weeks. Take care of yourself

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