I ghosted my friend and now I want to speak to her.

[SparkleSoiree]

Nearly four years ago my friend did something/a succession of small things that eventually made me so upset I cut off contact with her without notice, explanation or civility. I was so consumed with hurt and anger that I couldn't face having that conversation with her. She had become my closest friend, ever. She felt like a sister to me and we shared so much in common in relation to aspects of our lives that her and her family became part our family. We spent special events with each other, went on holiday together and supported each other through some very difficult family situations. So, when these series of events happened I was devastated. I am not going to detail them because it may out me but suffice to say, within normal realms of perspective, she had not done anything that warranted such nasty behaviour from me. I've been in counselling for 4 months now for other issues and now I realise I still love and miss my friend very much.

Here is my dilemma: Should I apologise, regardless of whether she forgives me or not, or should I just leave it now. It was a very cowardly thing to do in the beginning but I was so overwhelmed with emotion and shock, I felt totally betrayed. There were also other huge things going on in my life at the time which were clouding my judgement, things which have taken the last, nearly four years, to resolve. If the shoe was on the other foot I really don't know how I would react in her position but I would hope that I could forgive...

Is it a good idea to apologise and try to move on or is it best to leave it and walk away? I'm not looking for criticism over the original situation, I've already dealt with that in my life, but a genuine idea of whether it can be repaired/closed properly or not. Is there a time limit on these things or should I continue on my way and accept that we will never speak again? Do friendships ever regrow after something like that?

I would not contact her after all this time.

Being cut off with no explanation is awful. I've been on the receiving end of it and I was desperately hurt and bewildered. I had no idea of what I had 'done'. I suspected a third party who wanted to harm me but what stung the most was that this so called friend didn't even talk to me about it. I was just cut off. We were meant to be friends but she believed this other person over me.

From what I was able to gather, she thought I was talking about her behind my back, I tried to tell her I did no such thing but she could not care less.

All these years later, my thoughts of her are F you. She was obviously never a friend to cut me off without a conversation.

I appreciate your situation may be very different. I am just trying to give you my perspective.

If I were your friend I would appreciate a short letter apologizing for hurting her, saying that it was your own issues and you have received counselling, and saying that you value your memories of your friendship and regret ending it. Include your contact details but don't write any expectations that she will contact you.

I think it is presumptuous to assume that she would want to resume a friendship after so long and so baffling a silence, although of course she might.

I've also been on the receiving end of this and it hurts so much. For a long time.

It happened 10 years ago, she was my closest friend and now and then I still find myself wondering what I did or said, or what I didn't do or say that made her hate me so much she just disappeared. Then I realise that actually she wasn't a friend if she felt she couldn't just tell me what I'd done to upset her so much and could ignore text messages, emails and calls from me.
At one point I actually wondered if she was dead - we were long distance friends by the time the end came with no mutual friends - then I found her FB page and she's definitely alive and well.

OP's ex-friend may be happy to be friends (more likely acquaintances) again, but it's just as likely she might not. For me, a sincere apology would have been received ok but I wouldn't want to resume the friendship as I wouldn't be able to trust her and I've decided that she's a cunt not very nice.

I hadn't refreshed the page when I posted, but just want to say that I like Gu's advice about what to say. In fact if I'd received something similar I would have contacted my former friend, to thank her for the (eventual) explanation and to wish her well.

I was ghosted about 5 years ago by one of my closest friends. The worst bit was not knowing why - I had an idea but I just kept rehashing everything. After a year she contacted me and asked to meet up - the first meeting was extremely awkward, but we persevered & now it's like nothing ever happened. Maybe it helped that neither of us was actually in the wrong (her bf at the time lied about me) but if you miss her definitely get in touch, even if all it does is give her closure.

I wouldn't, especially if they were petty reasons.

This happened to me years and if she wrote a letter to make herself feel better she would get a huge fuck you. It would make me annoyed all over again.

I'm not sure she would be able to be friends again. My friend did this to me a long time ago and it hurt like hell and I missed her for ages but when i bumped into her a few years later I felt differently about her and not interested in friendship.

Think it depends on what kind of person she is by reading other posts. If you think she would take it well then write a letter.

I also think it depends on the age of the person. I have calmed down a lot now I'm older and wiser and things that I would haven taken offence at when I was younger would just wash over me now. Life's short, if you have something to say, say it.

My best friend ghosted me around a year ago after a 12 year friendship.

I believe it was because I hadn't called or texted her for a couple of weeks because I was going through an awful time post separation from twattish h. I was severely depressed, was not getting out of bed and tried to commit suicide.

In the friendship it was usually me being there for her - she has a pretty terrible situation and a lot of problems and I felt initially extremely upset that the one time I really needed support she just cut me off because I wasn't calling her anymore to check on her (she never called or texted me).

I see her in passing because we have kids at the same school and she now just blanks me, I tried for a while to chat and call but she would not answer my calls.

She still doesn't even know what was happening to me during that time because she wouldn't even speak to me at all.

It would be upsetting if she contacted me now. I was very isolated and sad and her cutting contact was a kick when I was down.

My life has moved on, I have made new friends and I don't really want her in my life. I'm sure an apology would make you feel better but TBH it may just remind her of the hurt.

I would certainly feel it was an insult on top of an injury if my friend tried to apologise now. I would advise not to apologise so long after.

That or actually you were fair enough to cut her off and you should just stick with it. Hard to tell without knowing what the whole thing was over...

My best friend of years and years ghosted me a few years back. Not only that but she managed to get my other friends to cut contact too - not sure what she told them about me but it cant have been true...nothing i did was that bad. Anyway she got married recently and i sent her a card. I didnt want any bad blood between us on her wedding day. She sent me a message to say thanks but apparantly has been pretty scathing about me behind my back. I wish i hadnt bothered now. She was a cow then and she's still a cow now.

I would not apologize if you were upset and was express your feelings unless you said or done something wrong too. Just tell her you miss her and want to make this friendship work again.

To add to my post: Assuming she knows why you ghosted her

Interesting and we are all going to give a subjective view. This has happened to me twice - and both times they were very close friends that I lived with (college and just after). I came to the conclusion that I must have done something unintentionally that was so appallingly awful as to have been cut off with no explanation. Maybe I did. I even wondered had I done or said something in my sleep because I could not recall doing anything that warrented the abruptness of the ending of our friendship. I would love to hear from either of those people with an explanation that exonerated me from blame. So I would say: contact her.

It's happened to me twice, once I met back up with her accidentally and she explained that her DH had systematically separated her from everyone. (But despite numerous attempts has not been in touch since). I wish she would, we were like sisters at uni.
Second one I have no idea what I could have done, but she hurt me deeply by repeatedly ignoring my messages over a number of years, if she tried to contact me now I wouldn't even respond.

One long running one of mine was through a double misunderstanding both ways. Another one I still dont know why she stopped talking to me but presume someone said something that was not true about me.

I just wanted to update this as everyone was so kind in their responses.

I wrote to my friend setting out my apology. I didn't ask her for anything at all, no mention of restarting the friendship, I didn't have the right and i'm not sure it's even possible after all this time.

Anyway she responded after a few days and she accepted my apology. She was very gracious about it and she appreciated the fact I made the apology so I'm glad I was able to do that. She was extremely upset about being ghosted and missed me as much as I missed her. Don't think the route is clear for a new friendship but I never expected that, I'm just glad we both have closure now and can be in a better place about the whole situation.

Thank you everyone for your help - it is really appreciated.

Glad it has worked out, must be a weight off your mind! :)

Glad your mind is at rest now.

I was cut off by a friend almost 6 years ago. She sent a text saying she needed to lay low for a bit and then, a couple of months later, when I texted to see if she was ready to rise above the parapet again, she said she was happier with me out of her life. It was a total shock and I was devastated by it, really, really upset for quite a long time. She had been one of my 3 closest friends, really thoughtful during my pregnancy, been on holiday etc etc.
In fact, there were two of us in the same situation. I think that the reason she did it is a bit like what you describe - she pointed her finger at one particular incident but that had happened 2 years prior to the split so I think it was that PLUS cumulative things.

Me and other dumped friend have both come 'round now to sort of leaving the door open. I guess things could never be the same but we have many mutual friends so we hear of each other and we have moved on, I think. I sent her congratulatory emails on events in her life and she has responded a bit more than before in the most recent things.

Anyway - getting to the point - I think reaching out, giving an apology and an explanation is worthwhile but don't do it in the expectation of getting anything back, I think. She may want to open the door, she may not but she probably would appreciate the explanation - that was what hurt me SO much to begin with, that we were cut off with no explanation or anything. No chance to apologise for whatever it was we had done to make her feel so very upset.

Gah - hadn't read to the end of the thread - glad it turned out well!

I see you have now been in contact with your friend and things are looking better, but I was going to say that I have been in your friend's position (with very close parallels - in fact I wondered if I was her at first, until a few details like the going on holiday together convinced me I wasn't!) I understand what I did to upset my friend, just like in your case it was a series of little things rather than one big thing, although the final straw that made it all come out into the open was a rather tactless joke I made. I still think she over-reacted a bit but there were other factors in her life at the time that kind of explain it. I apologised immediately and then again in writing very soon afterwards but it took her a long time to come around to having any contact with me at all, and now I haven't heard from her again for a couple of years. She lives a long way from me now so we're not just going to bump into each other, but she hasn't contacted me and didn't acknowledge the last couple of messages I sent her - the last one was over a year ago now.

Anyway, what I wanted to say was that what I would want most from my former friend now is just to know that she is no longer actively angry with me, but I don't think I would want things to go right back to how they originally were between us. We were close once and it would be difficult to relax with her like I did then, and tell her such personal things, knowing how easy it is to hurt her feelings unintentionally, and that she could potentially drop out of my life again at the drop of a hat. I'm not saying you would necessarily do that but I couldn't rule out the possibility that this friend would. I'm not the only person she has "dumped" like that.

I'm glad you're not looking for more as it sounds as if you've both got the best possible outcome at the moment.