aargh

[lousylear]

Told hubby last night I want to leave. He says he won't let me. I wanted to divorce. He says I can't because he won't accept unreasonable behaviour as it's me as well not just him. He says he loves me, I'm stunning and he wants me to stay. He also says he wants the kids as he doesn't want to be a part time dad.
Me? I have had 8 yrs of emotional abuse, no physical contact. I don't love him, haven't for ages. I've been wanting to leave for ages. Finally plucked up courage 6 weeks ago and been getting ducks in a row ever since. Looking at a house this morning. Was so happy and excited to be moving on. Now what?

BTW does 'irreconcilable differences' get you a divorce (or is that a two-year wait)?

There is no category of irreconcilable differences in the U.K.

So he wants you to wait 2 years so that you can file without listing a reason? What a silly argument. Ignore him.

That's correct Vince!
Springy to get divorce in uk it's adultery, unreasonable behaviour or absence.
He's going to see a solicitor today. I'm really hoping they talk some sense into him.
I think he wants separation rather than divorce so he can persuade me to come back. He reckons he loves me.

He loves the thought of you. He has spent many years training you to accept his crap that he is worried he will have to start over with someone new. That is terrifying for him. Don't forget that cintrolling behaviourisabout his sense of enentitlement. He feels entitled to treat you any way he likes and will justify it any way he likes. What you want doesn't actually matter to him.

Don't offer him every weekend! Every other weekend Thurs to Monday and one night on the other week, or you will never be able to do any fun stuff at weekends with them.

He says I can't because he won't accept unreasonable behaviour as it's me as well not just him.

'Oh well, if it is me as well as you - then you will be as keen to get a divorce as me, won't you? Best option all round it would seem'.

Come on you sound desperate to divorce which I can well u deerstalker but please don't give him e wry weekend just to placate him nooooooo
E erg other weekend is fairere on your dcs not hi. And not you
E dry other xmas is fairer on your dcs too believe me, you will create your own traditions and in jokes and whatever the hell you and your dcs feel like doing at xmas and they will love it be Use its with you believe that.
You are still trying to appease this bully you're living with
Mediation. Pull help you sort this out btw but p,ease rethink your terms in favour of your dcs

Yes, every weekend is a disaster. To my shame, I did this (because I felt guilty for leaving him and 'depriving him' of the kids.

Disaster. He becomes Disney Dad, you become the home drudge nagging about homework and cleaning teeth.

Mind, it's highly likely he'll become Disney Dad anyway. These sorts like to play a part. But you and the kids need downtime, especially as you'll have the 'nag' role in the nuts and bolts of parenting.

ie the nuts and bolts etc

OP "He says he loves me, I'm stunning and he wants me to stay"

huh. Well, him saying he loves you and thinks you're stunning doesn't have any relevance to the fact you want to leave.

sorry OP but dig in for a long haul. I've known a couple of idiots who have stretched out to the 5 years in order to make the point that they didn't want to get divorced.

You being stunning has nothing to do with it. You're not an accessory.

Well he has gone from sad to angry to quiet to chatty to lovely to horrid to nasty and back again all in a space of a week. He has gone from refusing to divorce, wanting a 2 yr sep and stating he will contest all the way to now wanting a divorce. But without actually telling me this until last night. Am I a mind reader? This has been the longest week of my life. Got my sister's 40th this wknd. Be glad when that's over then we can tell kids and I can start packing.

I was married to a man like this... in the 6 months I had to live with him while the house was sold (longest 6 months of my life) he had a permanent 3 day cycle of behaviour... rage (I was a bitch etc for leaving), followed by sorrow and then followed up with pity. Round and round... with him getting increasingly mystified as to why I wasn't buying into any of the 3 versions of him. It became almost laughable, and was all about trying to regain control (and to get me to stay and fund his life style). I stayed consistent, as detached as I could and ploughed on. It was exhausting. Once I'd moved out it was far easier, and he barely messed me about with the divorce in the end (as he was busy with a new victim/girlfriend by then). 4 years on my life is unrecognisable and wonderful! Stay strong OP, there will be light at the end of the tunnel!!

God he sounds tiresome.

If he wants to divorce you for unreasonable behaviour, let him. It doesn't matter what it says on the paperwork

Keep going op. Don't let him grind you down

It might be better to hold off starting divorce proceedings until things have settled down. You can still move out and get your new life started.

After a while, he may agree to the unreasonable behaviour bit or you may have to wait two years. Not the end of the world.

Once he sees that the world hasn't ended and he can still have a good relationship with his children, he may calm down.

Yes. I have told him I am not rushing with divorce. I can't afford to move out and start divorce at same time. I need to get out and start to live again. Just waiting to hear from estate agent now. Refs all in. Fingers crossed for Friday moving day.

I agree with PP and wouldn't allow him every weekend, you have every right to spend some down time with your children too.

How is he with the children....?

Told the kids last night. Hardest thing I've ever done. 8 yo ds upset. Dd both ok. Now to start packing.

It's horrible telling the DC.

But it's done now and you can pack and move on.
So pleased you can get out and away and get some space.
Well done OP.

House sorted. Moving in from Friday. Yippee!!!