Really upset over DP saying he just proposed to keep me happy.

[FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname]

Been engaged a few months. I am still going through the process of getting divorced although its nearly finalised and DP doesn't want to discuss wedding stuff until after this is done. Fair enough. We haven't booked anything or set a date.

We were having a conversation the other day and got around to 'wedding talk' and DP quite casually mentioned that he isn't really fussed about getting married at all. He sees the whole thing as an unimportant bit of paper and, quite frankly, a big waste of money.

When I asked him why on earth he proposed in that case, he said it was so he could keep me, as he (correctly) thought that I might not stay with him if I knew he didn't really want to get married. So he asked to make me happy. Now, while I appriciate that he wants to keep me happy (sort of), am I right in thinking he has spectacularly missed the point?

Getting married is really important to me. It's not just a ring on a finger or a piece of paper to me. I suspect some of this is due to me being raised religious although I wouldn't consider myself to be now, but I just think that getting married is the ultimate sign of commitment and 'togetherness'. I don't want to be someone's girlfriend for my whole life.

The whole conversation really upset me and tbh its making me question everything. I'm not going to marry someone who doesn't really want to do it and is just going through the motions to keep me quiet. I'm not going to pressure or force him, or beg him to change his mind. I want to know that if, one day, we end up saying those vows to each other, it is because he truly wants me to be his wife and not just because he's doing it to make me happy, but because doing so would make him happy.

I don't want to get married now. Not at the moment. Not until he is ready and commited to it. But now I'm wondering if I should be considering marriage at all to someone who so obviously has different feelings to me on the subject.

DH and I have been together for 20 years, married for 17, and neither of us was that bothered about getting married. We got married because of practical reasons, not because the act of getting married was important to us. What has been important is the little things that keep a relationship ticking over. He hasn't said he doesn't want to get married, just that he wants you to be happy, and if that means getting married then he'll do it. It's like when DH went on a cable car ride with me because I wanted to. The man hates heights to the point of phobia, but he still did it because it made me happy. I'm not bothered about football but once a year I will go with him to the Emirates Cup because it makes him happy.

Can't really see the problem here, since he's willing to get married despite his views on it. But I suppose only you can decide whether someone thinking the same way as you do about marriage is sufficiently important that its a deal breaker. If it's going to make you that unhappy, maybe it is. I find that silly but you're the one who'd have to live with it.

Do you think his views would impact the way he'd behave in a marriage?

-I am still going through the process of getting divorced
But you then say getting married is the ultimate sign of commitment and 'togetherness'
HOW?
You are getting divorced so marriage clearly isn't a lifelong commitment.
None of this makes sense to me - sorry -

I never said marriage was, or should be a lifelong commitment. Shit happens. If my exh had not turned into an abusive arsehole who was addicted to drugs and neglectful to our children I would still love him and still be married to him. Equally so, if my DF's exW had not repeatedly cheated on him with multiple partners he might still be married to her. But those things happened.

Kidnapped, morally I have no problem with people not being married. I just want to be, for myself. I have no feelings about what others choose to do.

Yes Odfod, finding some of these opinions quite offensive tbh.

Why, Mouldy and Birthday? I'm not exactly commiting bigamy!

Poor guy can't win! You'd dump him if he didn't want to marry you and you're now thinking about dumping him because he doesn't want to marry you enough? You're trying to police his thoughts and that's not fair.

The fact that he wants to make you happy is good - and his honesty is to be applauded as well. Sounds like a good 'un - I should hang into him if I were you! He obviously feels secure with you without a ring/certificate, but can see that it is important to you.

If I understand correctly, he has said that he marriage is not really important to him, rather than that he actively doesn't want to get married?

Your thread title is a little unfair if so, as it seems that he understands how important marriage is to you and is willing to go ahead for your sake.

i can understand your disappointment at discovering his true feelings but I don't think he has done anything wrong.

Unless he is being difficult or dragging his heels, I would plan a low key simple ceremony and think of little things that might make it more meaningful for him.

It's quite possible that he'll feel more positive about it after you are married.

We are engaged Lying, not planning on getting married in the next 2 weeks - more like the next 2 years!

We had had discussions about marriage before he proposed but I didn't put pressure on him, it was actually him that brought it up. Ideally, I would have liked to have been fully divorced before he proposed but when he asked I wanted to say yes. As it is my divorce will be finalised within the next 2 months so I will be divorced for at least a year or 2 before we actually marry.

The only reason I hadn't divorced exh earlier was because he refused to sign the divorce papers and I didn't have the money to take him to court.

When I asked him why on earth he proposed in that case, he said it was so he could keep me, as he (correctly) thought that I might not stay with him if I knew he didn't really want to get married. So he asked to make me happy

He was with his ex for years but he only stayed with her for so long because they had a child and he felt he had to for the dc's sake but it was very unhappy and disfunctional they were constantly on/off again

Fedup, does he ever do something because he wants to and just not because he kind of had to for one reason or another?

I get it but I just feel differently. I wouldn't want to be a married woman engaged to somebody else, it would just taint it for me. I accept that you're different though.

I do think that you need to leave your partner to think and feel what he wants to though; you can't make people conform their thoughts and feelings to the way you want them to be.

Well he sort of did say he didn't want to get married. He's never said he absolutely won't do it but he's made it clear that he thinks its
a) A waste of money
b) Doesn't mean anything because so many people get divorced
c) Doesn't give you anything extra that can't be organised by a will

He has always been a very honest person and I do like that about him, I'd much rather know how he feels now rather than going through everything in a blissful cloud of ignorance thinking that he feels exactly the same way as I do when he doesn't.

The little comments are what's getting to me, like he will be looking for reasons to move the goalposts and put it off indefinitely. For example, when I sent off the most recent set of court papers for the divorce he made a joke about me not sending them then he won't 'have to marry me'.

I think part of it is the fact that my parents are happily married still and have been my whole life whereas his parents split when he was quite young and he's watched his dad drift in and out of his life and him mum remarry, and divorce again, as well as moving about all over the country. So we are looking at it from completely different viewpoints.

I wouldn't want to be a married woman engaged to somebody else

You're not alone in that for all sorts of reasons.

Such as?

"I wonder if he thinks that getting married will change things between us, that he will somehow lose his freedom or something. "

You have already said that he thinks the exact opposite: that marriage will change nothing.

If he thought he was losing his freedom he wouldn't have proposed.

Honestly, you are over-thinking this.

He cannot change the way he thinks about marriage. The only thing in his control is the one he has done: propose anyway to make you happy.

If you want to wait for him to feel with all his heart and soul that marriage is an important commitment that he wants with you, you might be waiting indefinitely. Take a gesture meant with love, and have it your way.

Just be clear that he feels deep commitment to you and feels that he's chosen that commitment. That's what actually matters.

I felt the same about the waste of money thing and yet I am deeply committed to my husband. I had a tiny wedding and found the thought of parading around in a white dress excruciating. We're all different