Is a bit of consideration too much to ask? Long and v sorry for myself, sorry.

[Givingup]

I don't really know where to start with this. My relationship has been on the verge of splitting up for 18 months or so now, but has been total cr*p for years and years. We're pretty much agreed we're going our separate ways, but can't for several months for logistical/financial reasons - though this hasnpt stopped dp from letting me know that he's got someone lined up for when we do.
He's been staying out later and later recently, and last night didn't even bother to phone and say whether he'd even be back for supper. Didn't answer his mobile (deja vu - he's cheated before). I left a voicemail to say I was going to bed with a horrendous migraine which is a bit of a worry because I've been put on the pill for a hormone imbalance (def NOT for birth control) and I've been getting a lot of headaches with it, but when he eventually rolled in he didn't even stick his head round the door to see if I was ok. I know I'm feeling very sorry for myself, and all weak and feeble in the aftermath of the migraine, but he's the one who's telling me we should stay together because he "loves" me! I don't really know why I'm posting this, sorry.

He is rubbing salt in the wounds a bit isnt he? Why dont you just ask him to leave now and get it over and done with?

I think you are posting this because you are feeling so low and probably don't have anyone you can or want to talk to about this. It is shit when relationships are going thru tough times and yours sounds as if it it has been for a while. Especially if you are having to live together for financial reasons and he is treating you so apallingly - he could at least have the grace to be discreet and be an adult about it. If he has cheated on you before then this must just be a slap in the face for you especially if he is still saying he loves you. I don't know what I would do in your situation. My dp and myself are having problems but both of us are really keen to make it work and neither of us has cheated in the past so I dont' know how I would cope in your position. You seem to be keener to make it work than him - or am I wrong? Just the fact that you are phoning him and wishing he would have checked on you (which are really normal things to do in a relationship) seems to me that you wish things were different but he's not giving you what you need. Carry on talking thats all I would say either to him or on here or to a friend if you can. Hope this helps a little. Thinking of you. Have you any kids involved?

Thank you for your replies. Yes we have two children and they are part of the reason why we're trying to stick it out a bit longer - we've moved a very long way from home, him for job/money, me because I thought it would be worth a try as a final make or break of the relationship- away from friends, family support group etc we might have to make it work between us with no-one else. But it's clearly not working, he wants to stay because of the money nad I don't want to take the kids out of school just as they've begun to settle. I don't think I am working harder at it than him Ie really given up, but I think if we're living together simple kindness and courtesy isnt too much to ask?

Would it help if you thought of him as housemate rather than partner this way you could start to move on whilst you are together it prolonges this really tough process

That's what I'm aiming for. It just seems though that if things can't be exactly how he wants them, he's going to make my life hell. More fool me for staying I suppose.

hang in there be just as awkward as him if you can- can you get him to agree to ground rukes for sake of kids

Hi Givingup

Have a big hug. I had to do similar but didn't have any kids so much, much less complicated. After relationship going downhill rapidly for a number of years and desperate attempts to even get him to go to relate it finally collapsed. However rather than get vindictive about it all I just resigned myself to the fact that we'd have to be 'housemates' until our house was sold as neither of us could afford to move out leaving the other to struggle with mortgage payment. This lasted 6 months. However even when the final straw had happened ExDH was still trying to say he loved me and to give it another chance etc. etc. I moved into the spare room 3 weeks later. We still ate dinner together, acted normal, god it was weird when I look back on it. However it was only about a couple of months later that he met someone else and was staying out all night and not saying a word. To be honest, I was relieved coz I knew it was so over I just thought, great he's found someone else, means he won't be hassling me anymore. However a couple of months after that, I met someone. Nothing serious but 'my stepping stone' as I like to call him. Boy was exDH pissed off or what. Could not handle it although he was still seeing his new girl and staying over but I clearly shouldn't be doing the same. I guess it finally made him realise that that was that. When the house was finally sold on moving out day he was bawling like a baby whilst I just couldn't get away quick enough. Daresay it's left some lasting mark on me but my pals would be better placed to say exactly what that was. It's hard going though and I can only begin to imagine what you must be going through. Put yourself and the kids first. You will eventually reach a point - I don't know when - when what he does or says will not affect you anymore and you will be able to look at it and just smile and that it'll all be over soon. Make sure you have quality 'me' time to yourself. Get your glad rags on, go for a walk, smile and people will smile back at you. You are the strong one and he is the weaker, obviously as he needs to line someone else up to make him feel better. (Sorry if that sounded harsh - didn't mean it to be). Be happy round the kids and talk it out with him regarding them because they deserve the best.

Hope this helps - big hugs
x

Thanks - it does help. I have to put on such a false front for all the new people here, and feel like I'm constantly dumping on my old friends on the phone, so it's good to just let off steam to someone who understands. I thought we had made ground rules, and one of them was that he wouldn't start anything with her till me and the kids leave, but...
I like the idea of being as awkward as him, but it would only lead to a vicious circle and the kids would suffer. Besides - his levels of nasstiness cant be beat - the last time I went home for a break I went out with a friend and he coulnd't get through on my mobile, he left a voicemail to say my dd was in casualty (a lie).

Oh lying about something like that is pretty dreadful - that's really nasty.

You have your head screwed on the right way. You are doing the right thing by not resorting to his tactics.