Childhood friend - constant bitchy remarks and put downs

[vanmorrisons]

Hi

I have a childhood friend who I have known for 30 years and although we're not close any more she still does call / visit sometimes. Our parents are good friends and we have a lot of links to each other and I can't really avoid her or cut her off without it causing a big problem. Our children are also friendly and the whole thing is quite awkward.

I really just wanted a bit of insight into this because it makes me feel so low and wanted advice on why she does it and how to handle it.

She basically just picks on me, puts me down absolutely constantly. In public in front of people, online, basically when anyone else is listening or watching -and no - she doesn't do it to anyone but me and she only does it when someone else is here to watch or read it. One on one she is very nice to me.

What she does ranges from irritating to downright upsetting.

For example, she thinks because she has known me so long she is the world's leading expert on me. So she makes up lies about me, or maybe "lies" is too strong a word but she basically steps in with new people in my life and tells them she knows all about me, like "vanmorrisons is always doing such and such" when in reality I haven't done anything of the sort for 20 years.

For example, if I have a new friend, she will say "oh you think vanmorrisons is easygoing? Oh no she is the biggest drama queen ever". Which in reality is absolute bull shit.

Then if I correct her calmly, she scoffs at me and makes me look even more stupid by making out I am lying and can't admit the truth about myself - when reality is she has not really known me for years and years and bases her judgements and knowledge of me off the 12 year old version. And I am now a completely different person.

She also just makes constant bitchy comments to me and has not got anything nice to say at all if anyone else is listening; for example if people compliment a photo of me she will comment on it "oh I just saw her in person and she looks much worse than this, it's all makeup and filters". You know.. nasty.

I know if I blocked her or anything like that it would be a massive drama and I really don't want or need that sort of hassle in my life. It's been a really down year - partner left me - and small things like people saying I look lovely in a photo on facebook really cheers me up and to have someone comment on it nasty things is just really embarrassing and I know he will read it and it drags me right down.

She doesn't do it to anyone else, no, but a lot of people don't like her and she is constantly bleating on to me about how we are true friends and always there for each other. I think she basically thinks she is really very funny when she does this. Yes, I have tried to talk to her about it, no, she refuses to listen and scoffs at me, ignores me for a few weeks and then goes right back to it.

I know she will say it is just all jokes, but it feels that way. It feels like she is putting actual hatred and maybe a sort of bullying on me and she has done this since we were 10 at school. Always the same, putting me down and making me feel small.

Any advice on how best to handle her? I am getting a bit sick of dealing with it, and wanted to really make some sort of clever comment back to stop her in her tracks. Speaking to her in private about it has done nothing and I felt maybe getting a taste of her own medicine instead of me never standing up for myself might be just the medicine she needs to learn how not funny she actually is.

I'd go the route of being too busy to deal with her.

FB or social media wise

• change your posting settings so she doesn't see future posts by you (she'll just think you don't use FB much anymore)
• any time she comments negatively, delete it. Don't comment on it, or tell her you're doing it, just delete it
• if you're out with her, don't respond, just give her a confused look with a head tilt OR "haha oh gee, talk about old information!!" I'd go with confused personally :P

wears those granny pants. I know it was an eg, but rather than think others will think you're sensitive. I'd have retorted with

"Have you been rifling through my knicker drawer again"?

Have stock humorous responses to her putdowns. Only you'll get the joke, and it won't be you.

Completely agree with Dr Bint. Don't look hurt - look irritated and pissed off with her and curse. That shows anger. She won't call you sensitive then. Other come backs...

-Start laughing - well, X I may have been like that when I was 12 and we were best friends but some of us grew up and changed a bit since!

-when she remarks how close you are...
Snort, what with all your (make air quotes with your hands- they irritate the fuck out of people) "funny" put dows, more like a bloody frenemy!

When she bleats how long you've been friends and how well she knows you... Just roll your eyes and say not really... We've just known each other since kids because our parents were friends.

And if she starts, say... Ok, I've told you really nicely to stop making condescending and negative remarks about me and you refused and called me sensitive. How is that being a friend to me?

just embarrass her in front of your friends.

Sorry this was meant to be a brand new post, didn't mean to add it onto this one.

‘Jesus, Sheila, get back on your meds. The Wicked Witch of the West is peeking through again.’

’Ach, Sheila, are you ok? Who hurt you? Has Barney been eyeing up that woman in Ladbrokes again?’

’Sorry about Sheila. She normally waits until I leave the room before she starts bitching about me.’

’Haha, if you think my photos are bad you should see Sheila’s. She always looks like a scabby horse eating a banana through barbed wire, don’t you, Sheila?’

In short, just chuck it straight back. People can’t embarrass you if you don’t let them.

Has a childhood friend who did this and I think it came from her own insecurities but nevertheless it was horrible! I eventually cut her out of my life.