My biggest fear is that DS turns into his father

[Sandinmytoes]

H was emotionally abusive
More than likely psychopath- I don't say that lightly.
H died over a year ago now. We had separated after 5 years of increasingly volatile behaviour.
We are doing ok.

DS never really spent that much time with H, I think I protected ds from most of his behaviour, I don't think he misses him much on a day to day level.

Ds's behaviour is becoming more and more like H.
He's 8
He is showing entitled behaviour, the world revolves around him.
If he doesn't get his own way he will immediately turn nasty, infuriated, say the most horrible things, hates me. This lasts 10-15 minutes before he apologises profusely, heartbreakingly sorry, hates himself for saying what he did. This is exactly what H did.

The last couple of weeks we've had massive standoffish about teeth brushing/ hair brushing- regular stuff.
He is unbelievably stubborn

I'm aware that this could be normal 8 yr old behaviour and any sort of behaviour problems could of course be related to his Dad's death.
I'm just st a loss as to where/how to start dealing with it.
He's lovely most of the time, very affectionate, fun, bit obsessive about minecraft, but doing ok at school, lots of friends.
But his father was massively popular, very charismatic.

Sand I agree with you- there's a lot of 'over general box ticking how does that make you feel' counselling about.
Think of it more as training for this situation. And she is amazing- I met her in a training situation and she's a very safe pair of hands. I'm sure if you précised your OP in an email she could recommend some really targeted help.
That dream sounds horrendous.

Sand's advice sounds good OP Maybe the counsellor she knows could help you find a really good one.

Today I saw some books about dealing with difficult children recommended in the Mumsnet home page under a title that was something like 'Books that have changed your life for the better.' Maybe one of those would help for now while you think what would be best.

Sorry - Apocalypse's advice.

I think you're doing well to be alert to any problems, and to be practicing firm but fair parenting, attending parenting courses, etc.

I understand your fears. Not in the sense that your son's behaviour sounds terrible, but in the sense that abusers are often people carrying around unresolved issues from their childhood, so it's important to ensure that any child has what s/he needs to develop sufficiently healthy egos and boundaries. That's why I'd echo those voices telling you to look into counselling again, whether it's for you (if you think you need to retune your boundary-setting), for him (perhaps he does need a neutral and safe space to speak about his father, and how he handles his own emotions), or for both of you (help with how you relate to each other).

Completely anecdotally I'm not saying this is universal, or that it is your case I have witnessed several women who married abusive men go on to raise very difficult children. It looked to me in those cases that women who were compliant enough (at least initially) for an abuser, also had more difficulty setting boundaries with their own children - boundaries that children need to kick against as they grow up. I'm not saying this is your case at all; indeed you speak about your firm but fair parenting. But reading your OP, my first thought was to make sure that you are indeed being firm enough for a developing child who needs to test his limits.

Does your child's school think there is an issue? Have you asked how they deal with him?

Hmmm. Maybe you didn't find the right counsellor and/or they didn't use the right approach before. Fair enough if you don't want to go over and over the past, but counselling could help you and your son find better ways of dealing with the present, and the emotions you feel day-to-day.

If you need support for yourself, the freedom programme might help you learn about healthy boundaries and abusive v non-abusive relationships. If you have depression and/or anxiety CBT might be very helpful - it's very practical and focused on coping with the present rather than revisiting or analysing the past. There is also mindfulness (eg MBCT / MBSR) which can help you feel calmer and more able to cope with what life throws at you.

I think looking after yourself will help you deal with your son. But don't rule out getting support for him too, including counselling if necessary, either family therapy for you both or counselling just for him (Place2Be offer arts-based therapy for children, and there must be other charities that do similar). Also, does he have any positive male role models in his life, an uncle maybe?

hi Sand, it sounds to me as if you are doing all the right things. Hang in there. My ex DH was a compulsive liar and whenever my teen DS lies, even about trivial things, I come down on him like a ton of bricks. I can't stop myself. He always thinks my reaction is totally out of proportion, which it probably is.

With regard to the anger, a friend's DD had this. Really extreme anger, violent towards mother and siblings, a literally uncontrollable rage. Her mother would stay incredibly calm and just try to diffuse the situation. But it was paralysing for the whole family when it happened. I think it was connected to anxiety, but she has grown out of it and it very rarely happens now.

Also worth noting that about aged 7/8 was when my DS became angry (not in that rage kind of way, more upset) about us being divorced, his father living in another country, rarely seeing him etc. He would be furious with me and blame me for everything (if only he knew!).

I think it is an age when they become more perceptive to the world around them, their friends' family set ups, etc. and as none of his school friends were in divorced households I guess he felt different. I bought some great books to help him understand and I think it made him feel it was all a bit more ok.

Maybe your DC is just adjusting to where he is in his peer group, family set up, discovering his world around him. You are clearly very balanced, giving him wider family perspective - hats off for keeping in touch with H's family.

Give him all the love you are giving him and you and he will be just fine.

You could also look up books, blogs and other resources about raising emotionally intelligent boys - there are some recommendations on this list:
www.achilleseffect.com/good-stuff-for-parents-2/

This book looks good:
Calmer, Easier, Happier Boys

And this one
Strong Mothers, Strong Sons

These are my books!!
I've just ordered some more
I like the look of strong mothers one.

Just had a major meltdown about a child in school being mean to him.

This is not what the issue is, he's been off school for a month.

But I will have to talk to the teacher, so will give me a chance to discuss everything else.

This is the link for the Mumsnet I saw that looked good, Sand. I was not sure if you had seen it yet.

www.mumsnet.com/books/5-books-that-will-change-your-life

Seeing the one on your shelf about raising puppies made me smile! All your books look helpful, though I have not read anything like that for a while so cannot add an opinion.