Phone a Friend or leave them alone?

[MoreTeaVicar]

I have a lovely friend who never phones me. Always I am the one to make contact and I am fed up with it. On a few occasions I have jokingly told her off about this and her response is very apologetic but she is depressed. I do sympathise and I am always there for her even though she rarely talks about her problems and then its only little comments so I do not know the full extent of her problems. I haven't spoken to her since mid Dec except a txt message to say Happy New Year which she replied to. I must be honest and say I decided to play the waiting game 'just to see' if she would call me , she hasn't. We all have our problems and she has been there for me and listened to me endlessly so even if she is depressed why does she not think of me and think to herself oh she hasn't called maybe she is having a bad time too? I don't want to lose her but I feel neglected and hurt. I also would not want to be dumped as a friend (if I was in her position and not phoning) as I would be incredibly hurt. Guess I am saying I want to phone her but am bl*y well fed up.

ring her if you want to and dont play games. Ive done this before and it can just eat at you. SHe is depressed and probably cant face the prospect of picking up the phone and listening/talking. Keep your calls quick and easy or invite her out to lunch

Just phone her.

I normally call my friends, but I have had a bad year (my mom died) and just can't work up the energy to call people. But I'm very happy when they call me.

If your friend didn't have time for you, and wasn't otherwise lovely, then not calling makes sense, but as she returns your messages etc, just call her.

If she's depressed, just getting up and dressed may be a massive effort for her.

In my experience, depression makes people very selfish and self absorbed (they can't help it) Try to not take it so personally.

hanks for your advice everyone, you are all right in what you say. She is depressed and I know she values my friendship, I will call her. Jampots I am not playing games, I have a lot of probs too and often feel down. It hurts when no matter how bad I feel I still call my friend but she cant do the same for me. Strangely she doesn't mention other friends, guess thats because she doesn't put in the effort.

mtv - having just read my post it sounds harsh - i apologise.

what i mean is i too have waited for various friends to call etc heck im still waiting for my sister to come round with the childrens xmas presents - i think you should do whatever you feel you want to do inside. You obviously want her company so you should call. she doesnt know how you're feeling

I am not depressed but I am rubbish at calling people. I think all day, oh I need to call so and so when I get in, and then before I know it I am in bed thinking, damn I didnt call. My friends know this, and also that it is nothing personal I am just forgetful about certain things.

If they didnt ring me for ages I would call them, but they know this. I seem to end up with friends who are easy going. Also, it doesnt mean I dont like them or wouldnt support them 100% with anything happening in their lives.

I would call her and accept thats the way your friendship is.

Thanks Jampots, no offence taken . I must say though that I actually feel uncomfortable about phoning even though it has only been a month, I have never left it so long!

I hardly ever call people either, and when I do it tends to be just to arrange to see them rather than to have a conversation. Often I do this by text or email instead. I have a couple of friends though that I don't call because they always seem to be busy with something else when I do and I've kind of lost confidence, which must be even more difficult for someone who's depressed. I think you've pretty much decided that you are going to call and I think that's the right decision as long as you feel that she values you and gives you things in other ways.

When I was depressed and at my worst, I just wanted to hide away from the world. I didn't want to speak to anyone, not even my mum. The phone would ring and I would dread it and I wouldn't ring anyone else as I was so scared of them asking "how are you" as that would result in me bursting into tears. I just couldn't face it.

Whenever friends of mine have got depressed I've written/emailed/texted and said "I'm going to leave you alone unless you say otherwise, because that's what I wanted when I was ill. Don't feel you have to get in touch with me, do that when you feel ready however long that might be. But if you ever need to talk or need me to do anything I'm here".

If she is depressed she might think you don't want to tlk to her unless you have actually rung her. Depression can make you very self absorbed, nd not in an "I'm great" way, but everything can seem like it's all about you.

When I was deeply depressed, I lost contact with a normally very regular friend for a week. Well, tht was it. I couldn't get hold of her on the rare attempts I made, she didn't contact me. Obviously she hated me, was fed up with me, I had whined once too often, and who could blame her.

Turned out she had had to have her horse put down. I hadn't even crossed her mind, the poor girl! I can see now how it was totally nothing to do with me, but at the time I felt (unreasonable of me) snubbed.

Still lurking here and therefore still not called, but I will. My friend is def the sort of person who hides away and can't face people when she is feeling particularly bad, now I feel really guilty for not calling her. Where do I start, what do I say. How can I ensure I don't put my very big foot in it and ask why have'nt YOU called me. I am so kind but so very UNDIPLOMATIC. Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh god it's not me is it?!?!?

I never call people, I always mean to but just never quite get round to it. I genuinely don't mean any harm by it but I know that I am a crap mate!

I suffer with depression and i feel bad about it.

I also have very low self esteem and honestly believe that peopel won't want to talk to me unless they call me. I struggle to start conversation as I actually have nothing to talk about!

ClosetSlob, it could be

Phoned, left silly message, no response. Txt with even sillier message, no response

do you know how bad her depressions is? i.e. mild, moderate or severe

I suffer mild to moderate depression and if I'm really down I won't answer the phone or reply to texts, although I do get round to it at (often the next day)

I'd say its probably pretty rotten and she never gets out except sch run, 3 small ones and supermarket. No fun time IYSWIM

Could you just turn up? maybe with a bottle of wine one evening?

She answered my txt and has been at dentist. Busy with xmas and faffing around after DH whom is the cause of her depression, very controlling. Having coffee later in week. Guess since I am always the one to call then thats the way it will always be as I know she shuts herself away. Shame, she is a lovely person and could have many friends.

What about writing her a letter? Telling her how much her friendship means to you, how you think about her and worry about her, and how you will always be there for her if she ever needs your help - she only need ask you. You can say that you understand there are times that she wants to be on her own, and that maybe she finds it difficult to pick up the phone. Tell her that you won't pester her, but that you don't want her to feel you are not thinking of her if you don't call. Then just send a text occasionally, asking how she is and telling her that you are thinking of her.

Letters are completely underrated in my opinion, and are lovely things to be treasured (well, not the ones from the bank manager, obviously, but you know what I mean)

I suffer from depression and like others have said, when I'm really bad, I can't answer the phone to anyone, I don't want to see anyone, talk to anyone, I can't possibly listen to anyone else's problems, I have no empathy, I am just drowning, alone, in a pool of black treacle. I have friends whom I love dearly and I have had to explain that this is how it is when I'm depressed. It doesn't mean that I don't value our friendship, I do. It's just that when that black dog sits at your feet, there aint anything anyone can do about it, except wait for it to go again.

(Sorry, mixed metaphors there)

I think that's a brilliant idea ParanoidAndriod, I'd like that if it were me.. just to even imagine that my friends understood how I felt... it might even make me open up a bit.

I think it's common in a lot of friendships for one person to be more attentive than the other. If you are that sort of person you will perpetuate it.

I had two very good friends. One I had known since being 14 at school and one from work. The former NEVER made the effort to phone or come round to my house in all the years I'd known her, but would complain bitterly when she didn't see me for a couple of weeks. When she had a child I made the excuse for her that she couldn't just come out when she felt like it. But when I had my dd I still made it round to hers to see her. Two Christmas's ago, I called round and dropped off her dd's xmas present with her dh (she was out). He commented that she had one for my dd and would drop it off. I was determined not to get in touch with her and thought I'd wait it out to see how long it would take her to drop the present or phone me to pick it up! I've never seen her since. Missed her for a while but soon realised she was never actually a true friend, she could very much take me or leave me.

My other friend is a very good friend who just doesn't really ring very often. However if I get on my high horse and don't get in touch with her for say a month, she'll generally call or text to make sure I'm o.k. Sometimes it makes me cross, but her good points outweigh the negatives.

Moretea, I have a friend that is so similar and I actually reached my breaking point last week and told her I was fed up. I wouldn't have been so angry if her cancelling stuff we'd planned all the time hadn't had such an effect on my dd (our dds are/were really close friends).

Have to say I feel much less stressed out having spoken my mind.

Thanks for all your responses, I suppose when I sit back and think hard, she is really down and depressed. She feels like everyone around her is always busy and being with others doing things. She may be right actually but I do always have time for her. Anyway we are getting together tomorrow. I do see her most days at sch run etc but my OT was really a gripe about her never making the effort, afterall isn't it lovely when a friend calls you up. Oh well its down to me again, never mind, shes worth it.

I am the same, I take on every body elses problems because it deflects my own temporarily. Nobody knows about them as I am very private and choose remain so.

I never pick up the phone but welcome the odd text. Give her a text, depressed folk cant be dithering around with long phone conversations they just cant.