Effect of separation on 18 month old

[Hubnut]

I've posted within another thread about finding out on Friday that my partner of 13 years is cheating on me. Cut a long story short, our relationship is over but he's still in the house.

We have an 18 month child together. I feel terrible that we spent Saturday sobbing and arguing in front of the baby. On Sunday, the baby was tearful and not himself. It may be upset tummy but it could very well be the effect of our tension.

So I guess the answer is don't fight in front of baby, try not to let him see my sadness.

My partner is going to have to leave the family home. How the he'll do we avoid fucking up a small child's life???

I feel so sad and guilty about hurting his childhood.

Hi Hubnut, I'm not sure I can be particularly helpful but I didn't want your thread to disappear down the list so am replying to bump it as much as anything. I saw your posts on the other thread so have some idea what's been going on and I do think the first thing that needs to happen is for your partner to go so there is less tension around your DS and you can start to work out where you go from here, that's hard to do while you're still under the same roof. I understand you feeling sad about 'hurting his childhood' but in some ways it's a good thing he is so young, assuming you and his dad can work out a sensible, fair arrangement so that both of you are in his life that's what will be normal to him as he grows up. I wish I had better and more in depth advice but hopefully bumping your thread will mean other, wiser posters will be along soon

I was almost three when my parents split and I remember very little about it. I don't really remember my dad living at home. Try and concentrate on getting life how you want it. I understand your concern but I'm sure your ds won't remember. Could the two of you sign up to a club or activity together to give you something else to focus on (and some important quality time together)? Good luck x

Your baby may have coincidentally had a tummy upset, but I don't doubt that he wasn't himself on Sunday as a direct consequence of what he was forced to see and hear on Saturday.

The poor little mite may have been expecting a repeat performance, which would be enough to cause an adult's guts to churn in anticipation, to say nothing of the toxic atmosphere that's suddenly pervaded what was, presumably, his former calm environment. .

Your partner needs to leave as a matter of urgency as the sooner he goes, the less damage the pair of you will inflict on your ds whose childhood has barely begun and will be immeasurably enhanced by two happy parents who live separately. rather than blighted by two warring parents living a miserable existence under the same roof as he has to until he's old enough to vote with his feet.

Regardless of the hurt caused by your partner's infidelity, how can you be unhappy when you look at your little boy's trusting face and know that you're the centre of his universe? Make the most of these precious formative years when your ds is so totally engaged with you and don't indulge your sadness until he's out of sight and earshot.

Please don't beat yourself up about this. Yes, he was probably upset but in the long run he won't be affected by a day (or2 or 3) of arguing. Focus on getting your ex out of the house for now and taking care of yourself. The quicker you can heal and move on the better for your ds and the better placed you'll be to put good, workable arrangements in place for him. A happy mum and regular contact with his dad are the most important things for him going forward. Be kind to yourself and you'll get there much quicker.

It is far better to do this now than when your baby is older. Family therapist Oliver James suggests that, if at all possible, if you're considering separating, do it before a child is 4 years old. Obviously this isn't possible most of the time, but in your case think of it as lessening the impact because you're doing this now.

All the best.

I left my XH when my youngest was 20 months old. She has no recollection of us living together and has been the least effected by the split. She is now 4 and a half.

Thanks everyone. It's been praying on my mind so much. I'm just clinging to the fact that he'll be much happier with two separate happy parents instead of a tense bickering couple.