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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mr Nasty is back. I knew it wouldn't take long but it's harder to control now he is gone.

46 replies

HoppingForward · 17/04/2016 22:18

Married 15years. He really doenst understand just how ea he was and the damage caused during the last few years. I've known since 2012 it wasn't working, I tried hard to please and placate him, eventually that one last episode happened and I managed to get him to leave.

He 100% believed I would take him back again like I did before but we are nearly 3 months down the line now, there is no way of going back. 1 DC wants nothing to do with him for her own reasons and because of what happened that last evening and what she saw of it. Other DC see him every other weekend although he has rented out of town and there is a lot of traveling involved. I hope in time they all build an independent relationship but it will take time. He can't see this and blames it all on me.

He has done Mr Nice, offering to pay for things, I have declined. He has been Mr Regret, can't cope never apologised for his part in the marriage breaking down I've seen Mr it's all my fault, why am I doing this. I blocked him during that one and now after no contact all weekend to DC who has her own mobile so no reason why he can't text her for her to reply I've now got Mr Nasty making his appearance.

He wants me to take my name off of the joint bank account. My salary is paid into an account I opened in 2012 of which he can't see. I can still see our joint bank account which he has a problem with and wants me to sign it over to him but I don't know if that's the right thing to do as our mortgage (joint) payment is made out of that account. I'm not saying I won't do it but I want to see if it's the right thing to do before I'm forced to sign it over. He sends text messages that he will bring the paperwork over, it needs doing today, it's all so controlling and do it now.

We agreed together that I wouldn't apply for CM directly through the agency and he would pay the mortgage on the house that I'm living in with the DC. This is now seen by him as "paying for the roof over my head" "living in his house" I've reminded him that it's the CM payment he would be paying and if it was paid to me as CM I would just pay the mortgage with it. I have spoken to the mortgage company and I could look at a financilly agreement to re adjust it as I'm now on my own with the DC and earning ok ish, it's tight but with the CM payment and my salary I could stay in the house but as its joint mortgage I don't know where I stand with it all yet.

I've now received messages threatening me to not treat him like a mug or he will behave like one. I know he could be really difficult and no doubt he will be especially with 1 DC refusing to see him (12yrs old]) he could easily just not pay the mortgage and I will have to go through CM.

It's all about the control and it's soo draining, I just don't know where to start.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 18/04/2016 21:45

I agree going to cms, take away his power to threaten you and have everything legal and above board

CiaoVerona · 18/04/2016 21:51

don't know why you want to remain associated with a joint bank account, if anything you could damage your own credit - for example if he ran up a overdraft and refused to pay it you'd be held liable and would have all the negatives on your credit reports. In terms of the mortgage why not set up the DD from your own bank account and have him send you a SO monthly?
The norm when you split is to try and separate all legal liabilities the bank account is one, if you can afford the mortgage you should be able to severe that relationship too.

BG2015 · 18/04/2016 21:53

If the car is in his name you have no rights.

The mortgage company will not allow you take the mortgage on unless you buy your ex out, and get him to agree to it legally.

Do you really want to be financially linked and beholden to him until your youngest DC reaches 18? He will throw it in your face at every opportunity.

Do not relinquish your rights to the joint account. It's your only access to whether your mortgage is being paid. You own half the house.

Helennn · 18/04/2016 23:29

You could always check the mortgage statement on line or ring them up though, that's what I do.
Not sure the info about not being able to take the mortgage on without buying him out is right either. I was told I could do it with the house being held in trust until the mortgage is paid off.

CiaoVerona · 19/04/2016 00:19

Do not relinquish your rights to the joint account. It's your only access to whether your mortgage is being paid. You own half the house.

Eh, that's a completely false statement and really bad advice! You know, you can call the bank and check if the payment has cleared.

If he's not going to pay the loan all the more reason to remove yourself from the joint account.

Original poster
HoppingForward · 19/04/2016 14:48

Silence again from him today. The silence is just as un nervier as the threatening messages.

I've left a message for my out reach worker to get in touch and contacted and old friend I lost touch with who will be able to help.

Thank you for all the advice Flowers

OP posts:
BG2015 · 19/04/2016 17:32

You're still liable for the mortgage whether you've got a joint bank account or not. If it's a joint mortgage and he stops paying you're both responsible for the default but you're the one that will lose your home.

I'd rather have online and immediate access to a joint account so that I can see that the mortgage has been paid. Why waste time ringing and going through unnecessary security when you can just check online?

But that's just me! My ex used to delay paying until the last possible moment to wind me up! It was horrible!

Kr1stina · 19/04/2016 23:30

If the car is in his name you have no rights

Isn't the car a marital asset ?

Original poster
HoppingForward · 20/04/2016 15:08

I've signed the bank account over to him today. He was calling my work and emailing me and then sent someone to my work with the forms so I've signed it.

He has now sent me a list of credit cards and store cards he owes money to, in his name but telling me they are joint debt for us both to contribute towards.

He knows I earn no where near as much as he does and I'm just making my ends meet as it is, it's constant pressure. I had to leave work early in the end Sad

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 20/04/2016 15:22

Did you get legal advice? I wouldn't sign anything else or even give him the time of day without it

Original poster
HoppingForward · 20/04/2016 15:35

No advice yet. All the local firms want ££££s for appointments and I just don't have it spare. I'm also working full time and then looking after the DC.

I'm waiting for the lady from safer places to call me back. I'm hoping she can help with some contacts.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 20/04/2016 15:53

Please get some proper advice, even if you have to borrow from friends or family or put it on a credit card - you have to protect yourself from this wanker

inlectorecumbit · 20/04/2016 15:55

His credit cards-his name-his debt.
Pay him nothing.
Please get some proper advice from someone to help protect you from this twat

Original poster
HoppingForward · 20/04/2016 16:18

He is saying its family debt so joint responsibility.

I honestly have no idea how he can earn as much as he does, have so much on credit cards owed and we were broke every month with his salary and mine coming in but now it's just my money, I'm paying all the bills, food, DC activities, paying off the new boiler that was fitted in March and I had to put the full 3k on my credit card. Where was all the money going?

I will make some calls and see if I can get a free 30minutes to start with, hopefully the outreach lady will call back as well.

Thank you for letting me off load. I can't talk to anyone else about it and I'm trying to be sunshine mum for the DC.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 20/04/2016 16:45

He can fuck off and shove his credit cards up his arse - what a dickhead

Find out where you stand - and don't give him a penny or an inch more

PhoenixReisling · 20/04/2016 17:01

Make an appointment at the CAB. This is free, and they maybe able to advise.

Also, could you not book a free half an hour appointment with a solicitor and ask these questions during this time?

If you are going to get a divorce, then you will a SHL anyway so maybe the proceeds from the settlement could pay the fees?

Balders74 · 20/04/2016 17:28

There are elements of your story that are similar to mine. My XH was ea, has no idea the damage he has done to both myself and our 2 DC. My 15 yo DD refuses to see him because of the years of crap she put up with, he blames that on me. Our 10 yo DS sees him every 2 weeks for the weekend.

Where our stories differ is that he buggered off and pays nothing. I cover the mortgage, bills, etc. He pays no CM and is self employed and claims to only earn 7k pa! I tried to get him to pay something for over a year with no success and so I recently contacted the CMS and they are now dealing with it.

I am also trying to get him off the mortgage. He has not contributed towards the mortgage for the last 6 years and it has very little equity in it but he is arguing the toss about that. In one of our many exchanges via solicitors letters he stated he wanted me to pay half of his credit card (solely in his name) and it had been used by me while we were married.

Sometimes I can't believe the cheek of the man. He's not supported his family for a long time and now wants money from me! Needless to say over a year later and negotiations are ongoing.

I doubt I will ever see any money from the CMS. His words where 'they will never get a penny', in his mind he is referring to the CMS but in reality it is his DC that are affected.

I made the mistake of coming off our joint account because I couldn't then access past details to prove he has never contributed towards the mortgage. Hey ho, you live and learn!

Original poster
HoppingForward · 20/04/2016 20:34

I'm so sorry you are still having to deal with all that shit balders it's so bloody time consuming and draining isn't it?

I've taken a look at my personal credit score via Noddle and I don't have anything outstanding besides my credit card (for the new boiler) mortgage and loan attached to the house. I think I should ring experian and let them know he no longer lives at this address and then send his debt letter back as no longer living at this address?

OP posts:
BG2015 · 22/04/2016 18:05

Look at Money Saving Expert website for financial dissociation forms for Experian and Equifax.

They won't do it though unless you have severed all ties so you'll probably have to wait until you have no financial links with him.

Helennn · 22/04/2016 21:11

Please read this www.judiciary.gov.uk document that somebody very helpfully linked to on here recently. It talks about responsibility for debts on page 22/23. He is completely bullying you into getting his own way.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with all of this. I had a free half hour with a solicitor which actually turned out to be an hour, but if you can't get this I really think it would be money very well spent.

wallywobbles · 22/04/2016 21:21

I think the solicitor is worth it. It should be an empowering situation.

If you prep well and run your list of questions past us you can use your time v efficiently. Take a friend with you for note taking, or ask if you can record it. Email solicitor first with situation and facts and figures.

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