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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

One rule for one

38 replies

LaGattaNera · 17/04/2016 19:14

He can bump into friends in the street or at Costa and after introducing me, talk to them for ages without including me and he can make calls on his mobile or send emails or look at football apps whilst we are out for coffee, whereas I am in the wrong if I bump into someone and try and include him. I once said how nice my coffee was and he closed my lips with his fingers and told me to shut up and enjoy it then.

He can keep me waiting for days to let me know his plans at the weekend and on a workday it is often 4pm or later before I find out if he is free or rather if he wants to meet yet he likes to know my plans days ahead and gets cross if I don't know or am waiting to hear from work or a friend.

It's ok for him to tell me he is too tired or not in the mood for sex whereas if I say that, I am coaxed, cajoled, worn down till I agree by which time it is usually unenjoyable for me but obviously he gets a nice ending.

He is allowed to shout at me as apparently it will be down to something I have done like try to speak to him at the wrong time. If I raise my voice through frustration at not having my opinion even listened to I am criticised. Apparently it was ok to shout at me the day my dad died and also the day my dog was put to sleep as I annoyed him.

There are many other examples but I won't bore you.

Apparently he never had this "trouble" with his exes.

He can be a cold horrible person sometimes but an absolute charmer at other times. If anyone were to meet him they would find him lovely in public. I find he speaks nicer to people working in shops and restaurants at times compared to how he speaks to me - at times it is so impatient or hostile.

Does anyone else experience this? Is this EA? I am really starting to lose my self-confidence and end up getting stressed and dithery which seems to irritate him further. I have cried every day now for about a fortnight. I am concerned that this is now the "normal treatment" from him for me. Hope this makes sense.

Thank you

OP posts:
SmokyJoJo · 17/04/2016 22:05

What positives do you get from this relationship?

He sounds like a total wank stain.

CalleighDoodle · 17/04/2016 22:18

Im glad youve decided to end this relationship. Have someone there with you when he finds out if you can. Preferable phone him and not let him back in your home again.

He is abusive.

MoreGilmoreGirls · 17/04/2016 22:23

Glad you are hearing us OP. Yes please do this over the phone or public place and have someone stay with you after. Good luck. You can do it.

RiceCrispieTreats · 17/04/2016 22:32

You don't need to wait until he is back to sort it out. A man who actually shushed you like that does not deserve the kindness and respect of a face-to-face dumping. Text is fine, honestly.

And you do NOT need to explain, justify, or get him to see your point of view (that won't work). It is enough to say: "This isn't working for me. I don't want us to keep seeing each other." And repeat like a broken record.

stitch10yearson · 17/04/2016 22:33

sounds like my darling husband. :I

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 17/04/2016 22:37

Apparently he never had this "trouble" with his exes.

(Picture Big Opera Guy from Scrubs) "BuuulllllllSHHHIIIIIT!"

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 17/04/2016 22:41

BTW, why wait until be gets back. One quick text, that's all it takes.

And, meant to say, so sorry for your loss.

Yeahsure · 17/04/2016 22:42

All abusers claim they didn't have trouble with their exes OR claim their exes were bitches.

Decent, normal men don't compare you in any way to other women as if they were a factory line of interchangeable girlfriends that do or don't do as they wish.

springydaffs · 17/04/2016 22:46

This is just the beginning. He will, given the chance, get worse and worse. I hope you don't give him the chance and you get out pronto.

The charm at the beginning was to reel you in - now you're seeing what he's really about. He honed in on you because you were vulnerable and 'grateful' - easier to control.

Make sure someone is with you when you dump his sorry ass. He will be shocked - how DARE you finish with him/don't you know who he is/how lucky you are/blahblahblah - and be prepared for him to say some exceptionally nasty things. If someone is with you that may prevent him from saying nasty things (his public persona is all-important to him) but don't read his texts because they will be full of bile.

Then do the Freedom Programme so you see someone like him coming a mile off.

It happened to me - I married him - so don't think you're the only one Flowers

springydaffs · 17/04/2016 22:50

Agree - dump him now/don't wait. He won't change (except to get worse)

It's such a shock there are people like this about - vultures who exploit heartbroken people in order to control them. I'm so sorry for your losses Flowers

TheNaze73 · 17/04/2016 22:57

He sounds hideous. I wouldn't give him until he returns. Do it by text. That way he won't be able to shush you. No one deserves to be treated like you've been

ImperialBlether · 17/04/2016 23:02

He is shockingly abusive. It might take a while before you really see how bad he is. I would send him a text saying it's over, then arrange counselling asap. Don't speak to him again - send anything of his that you have to his home and forget anything of yours that is in his home.

LaGattaNera · 18/04/2016 06:05

Thank you again.

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