Unrequited Love

[HardShit]

So, before I start, I know full well I'm a twat and this is a long one.

About 10 years ago I ran into this bloke on my lunch hour; we were queuing for our food and got chatting, we really hit it off and subsequently saw each other most lunch hours for a few months and got on wonderfully. I found him attractive, we clicked instantly and I looked forward to seeing him. However, we both had partners (this came up in chit chat) so I never thought much more of it.

I then moved jobs to across the city, no longer visited the same eatery and often thought of him. A while into my new job I bumped into him at a gig, I was thrilled to see him but I was with my bored partner so didn't chat for long. A while after that, we met again on holiday! Totally random, we happened to both be in the same country, same resort, etc. and both couldn't believe it! Again, I was with my partner and he was with his, so just friendly chatting and off we went. But I was filled with the old excitement I'd experienced before.

Fast forward a few years, I move away to a different city and am now with current OH and we've been together for 5 years. He's wonderful, we're happy, he brings me to meet his friend who has just returned from travelling, and guess who's there! Lunch break guy!! We share disbelieving hellos, chat a bit and that's where everything goes downhill.

It's 2 years since then. I've been with OH for 7 years and I'm pretty sure I'm in love with his friend and have been for years. He excites me, makes me giddy, when I'm around him I get tongue-tied, when he looks at me I feel beautiful and wanted, I think about him constantly. Hes single and has made comments about wanting me but I'm sure he's not into me as much as I am him.

My OH is wonderful. He loves me to bits. I love him in a way that I could never hurt him and I care for him deeply. He's attractive but we're not very compatible in the bedroom. It's gotten to the point where I only make an effort with my appearance if I know I'll see his friend. If I now I won't see him for a while, I'm miserable and a nightmare to be around. Nothing can ever happen between us because neither of us could ever hurt my OH in that way. But it feels like I already have. And I can't stop. I can't be with the man I want but I'm with a man that wants me and is wonderful. So why can't I just accept it?

I'm not going to comment on the ethics of this as you already feel bad.

Just try and keep it in mind that you've not seen this guy's bad bits- in the same way that you dress up to meet him something unknown will always be more exciting.

Does your DP know?

Your partner's friend has made comments about wanting you? Nice friend.

The grass isn't always greener. Hold that thought.

Tough one. But not as tough as the realisation that you've given up a great relationship for a fantasy. Don't make that mistake.

You have my sympathy, though. Lunch break guy is like something from a story and I can understand you want to be involved in that. It just almost certainly won't be as good as you imagine.

If you do want LBG, you need to break it off with your OH first, obviously.

A dangerous situation.

He makes you feel excited because he is your fantasy man .

That frission of what he might be like in bed! In reality he could be crap but because he is attractive to you, then the mere thought of him and you making love is exciting.

You have two choices, three actually. Please don't so number three which is to try and have an affair. You're better than that.

You can do number one which is to split up with your partner. Then you are free to find a greater love whether it is this other man or not.

Or two, which is to distance yourself from seeing him in real life. Everyone fantasises whether it be a real person or a celebrity or sports person, you are entitled to your dreams. But by stopping yourself from seeing him in the flesh you are diminishing your chances of real feelings that you have for him.

My OH doesn't know. Once in a group conversation someone asked him why he thinks his friend has a hard time settling down, he doesn't have relationships very often and when he does they aren't for long, and my OH said he thinks it could be that he's in love with someone else and has been for a long time. When I casually asked who/why he though that, he said there's nothing solid to suggest it but he also got the feeling it was he case.

The grass most definitely won't be greener. I think he'd actually make a terrible partner long-term. It is just the excitement and the lust. I've gone long periods without seeing him and still thought of him regularly, I can see how not seeing him will reduce the possibility of making it more of a reality than it actually is.

I wish I felt this way toward my OH.

So I heard today that the lunch break guy is thinking of moving away, about 5 hours away. Instead of thinking of this as a good thing that could help distance me, I just feel heartbroken. I just feel so pathetic, what is wrong with me?

Infatuation and forbidden fruit bring about the strongest of emotions. Think of all the films where would be lovers are torn apart! It's gut wrenching and hurts but may be for the best if you want to maintain your present relationship.

If your yearnings do not wane and you still want him after x amount of time has passed then do the right thing by your partner and separate and then go in search of the live that still may be attainable.

Thank you Tate. I feel like a fraud being with my OH and wanting someone else but I don't know if this is just a phase because everyone around us is settling down and I don't feel ready. Giving it a time limit is a good idea.

Time limit of how long though? And what, realistically, is the point? You'll just wait till the time is up if it's been this long already.

I would hate to think of my OH hankering after someone else for years and setting themselves time limits of pinning for someone else before leaving me.

I think you should go for it.

You don't want to live a life of regret and if you're having these feelings for another man then I don't believe you love your DP in the way he deserves. You may end up spending the rest of your life wondering "what if" and never truly feeling satisfied. I think you should be honest be your DP and let him go. If things then don't work out with the other man then that's just a consequence you're going to have to live with... but at least you will know... It's not fair on anyone to continue like this.

Limerance.

'Not into me as I am him'

He just gets off on knowing you like him.

If he really liked you he would contact you, there is no excuse not to get in contact with someone now days.

It's a sign you are unhappy with your current relationship. Harsh words but true.

You owe it to your dp to split up if you think you're in love with his friend.

Fwiw if you did end up together your feelings would probably subside as it's all a fantasy. Real life and the day to day with someone rarely lives up to fantasies.

Your DP deserves more than this- I would be heartbroken if I found out that DH had been pining for someone else for a significant chunk of our relationship.

If I'm honest, your feelings for the other guy sound like a fantasy. All of the of the random meetings may have given you the feeling that it's 'meant to be', but it isn't. I'm sure you know that successful relationships are built on more than this.

I'd take the other bloke's move as a chance to move forward. Have a think about whether you want to stay with your DP or not and go from there.

All the coincidental meetings have just served to give the situation, this man, an aura of "meant to be" I think - which makes him very attractive.

But it really is just coincidence.

You already know in what you've said that he's not a good bet.

You need to seriously think about splitting up with your OH though I think. Not so much cos of LBG feelings - we all crave something new and exciting sometimes. But because of the comment on not being sexually compatible - think long and hard before tying yourself to someone you don't fancy.

Limerence describes it perfectly, actually. I know that I've idealised this guy but I just don't know how to stop it. I'm truly hoping this is just an awful phase brought on by unhappiness with my current situation, like Yoursecondbest said. I don't really have any reason to be unhappy with my OH, I'm not even sure I am that unhappy with him, possibly with other things.

The time frame would be more to see if this is a particularly shite phase that may pass. No idea what kind of a time limit though. I just can't believe I feel like this, it feels so pathetic. I'm typically a really strong person, the type that ppl go to for advice, yet I'm getting myself into this state. I just wish I'd snap out of it.

Even if I left my OH, I could never be with the other guy because we could never do that to my OH.

There's one thing I've noticed he's been in a lot of places you seem to turn up at have you had a thought he could be following you regardless of being with a partner if you were both single I would say the story sounds like a romantic movie but him being In alot of places you are rings alarm bells

^ yep as above - he's trying to mess with your head. Some people are sick and enjoy ruining others relationships - someone wise told me this when once in a similar situation.

I had never thought of it in that way before. Certain run-ins could most definitely not have been pre-planned by him because even I didn't know I'd be there until the last minute. However he definitely seems like a game player, any interaction with him always plays out perfectly in his favour iyswim. Like he's always a few steps ahead. Interesting too as the place he is moving to is where I've said I plan on ending up in the future.

(CheeseGerm is original username btw, can't remember the pword I used for HardShit so HardShit is no more, sorry for any confusion)