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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does this make me a horrible person?

55 replies

Emochild · 15/04/2016 09:10

ExP and I have an informal arrangement around contact and maintenance payments

Last night he told me he moved in with his new girlfriend a month ago and has realised that because she has 2 children, the online calculator says he can pay less maintenance for our children -and will be doing as of next month

He now has our dc less than once a fortnight and has cancelled things with them to pick her daughter up from school etc

I would imagine that his girlfriend claims tax credits, based on the job I know she does. According to dd he still has his house and gets all his post delivered there -he told dd he needed to go round, get his post and 'make it look like someone lives there'

I'm seriously tempted to report them to tax credits, or at least tell him that I could

It's only £50 a month in his mind, but in my mind £50 a month is a lot of money not to have especially as I can't work due to DD1's SEN

Does that make me horrible?

OP posts:
averythinline · 15/04/2016 09:59

The fee for cms is £20, they Go through hmrc so if he's employed it will be calculated. If he can't be a decent part he should should at least be contributing... Very Angry for you.....and Sad for dc

averythinline · 15/04/2016 09:59

Parent I mean...rubbishy keyboard

TheBakeryQueen · 15/04/2016 10:00

I wouldn't report him- I don't think that's benefit you or your children.

I would say to him 'you have 2 options- continue paying as normal or I will go to the CMS as even if I end up receiving less, it'll be worth it so you can't mess me about anymore'.

I promise he will realise quickly that it is in his interests to continue paying as normal. He won't want their finances looking into if they're committing fraud. I'd play dumb- don't let him know you're aware of what they're doing.

Be polite but be firm. He knows he can't avoid CMS if you go through official routes. He might play his face to see if you'll back down but stick to your guns. I'd give him a deadline too. Pay the shortfall or I'll contact them tomorrow- his choice.

TensionWheelsCoolHeels · 15/04/2016 10:01

He might well stop paying in the interim (mine did) but floating the idea for him to digest might be enough to get him to stick to your current agreement. If he realises the greater impact on him & his gf, that might be enough to stop him messing you about & reducing payments.

TheBakeryQueen · 15/04/2016 10:04

Definitely! He thinks he is clever doesn't he?
You can outsmart him without threats and he'll still think he has the upper hand, bless him Grin

TheNaze73 · 15/04/2016 10:05

Report away by all means, I think it's our duty to do that as tax payers. I wouldn't follow some of the manipulative advice however, offered at the top of this thread. I cannot believe a human being would manipulate children like that.

diddl · 15/04/2016 10:07

So he'd rather support her kids than his own??

Presumably they don't have a father who pays for them them?

Report the utter arsewipe.

rwilkinson84 · 15/04/2016 10:11

Please report him. Threatening to stop paying if you pursue things officially?? I'd like to see him tell the CMS about that!

Report him and let him deal with it. I'd make sure you tell the CMS that he's pretending to live at his own property too and you're concerned that because he won't change addresses (especially with the school) that this might have a knock on affect on the safety of your children (I don't know where you're based but in the UK if you're not registered with the correct doctor in your area you can't get emergency call outs if one of the kids was sick etc)

You are absolutely not a horrible person.

Kit30 · 15/04/2016 10:11

Classic case of wanting his cake and eating it. "Moves in' with someone else and is now 'responsible' for her kids which means that he can duck out of some financial responsibility for his own. Nice. Don't discuss it with him, don't use your kids as the messengers , do report it. It's the thin end and he'll keep pushing.

MrsBlimey · 15/04/2016 10:19

I bet he's not paying towards her rent / mortgage or bills.

BitOutOfPractice · 15/04/2016 10:20

He is all sorts of wrong. Do it!

summerwinterton · 15/04/2016 10:32

CMS fees are £20, or free if abuse occurred. Then they get charged 20% and you 4% if it is deducted from earnings. Mind you my ex claims to be single but paying for his other DC direct to the mother when I know darn well he lives with her and the DC - all in an attempt to defraud the system. Reporting is great idea but don't expect anybody to act upon it.

MrsBlimey · 15/04/2016 10:35

Don't further that's there's a difference between 'reporting' about the tax credits etc and 'claiming what's legally due to help feed your kids' which is what the CMS does, even if there is a fee.

Thanks
MrsBlimey · 15/04/2016 10:35

*forget

Sammyislost · 15/04/2016 10:42

Do it. Perhaps you'll disagree, but what kind of a parent would give their children less money to live on!? You're not a horrible person, in fact, if we had more people like you willing to report the abusers of the system, a lot of people wouldn't suffer as a consequence of their fraud!

Good luck.

2flyforwifi2 · 15/04/2016 10:54

Go through the cms. Then you dont need to hear stupid stories about him having a cat and a dog bla bla. Yes the money you get for him will stop until its sorted, but are you guaranteed he will keep paying? Sounds like he's starting to mess you about, it might get worse now he has a new family. Cms payments are backdated to the date the claim is made. The best thing about cms is that you do not need to worry about putting your hand out for money, you don't need to discuss anything with him or listen to excuses! If he doesn't pay it will be deducted from his wage and he will be charged.

I wouldn't report them to tax credits, purely because it will cause too much shit!

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 15/04/2016 11:37

I would simply email him to say that either he continues with the informal arrangement with no variation in contribution, or you will register with the CMS and ensure that a formal evaluation takes place.

"Dear ExH

I am writing to note my serious concern in respect of your intention to reduce your monthly contribution by £50/X% [% will likely sound more] for the care of DD1, but to also reduce your contact time with your children. As you know DD1's SEN condition does not allow me to work outside the home at present and therefore this amount will have a material impact on my ability to provide her with the care that she needs.

I have taken formal advice and I have been advised that should you withdraw from our informal agreement I should now take steps to make our agreement formal and legally binding and that funding to do so will be provided by the state.

You should note that as part of this process your residency status will be investigated and this may also impact the financial position of your current partner. Additionally, you should note that your decision to reduce contact time with your children is likely to result in an increased award.

Please let me know what you decide. If I do not hear back from you in writing by 20th April 2016, I shall assume that your intentions have not changed and proceed accordingly with the CMS agency.

Best regards/Hugs and Kisses

Emochild

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 15/04/2016 12:38

How sad he has cut back on contact with the DCs because he isn't with you their mother and has stepped into a dad role with his gf's offspring. (He's not father to either of hers I take it?).

Talk to CMS today. Save raising the tax credit question for further ammunition.

abbsismyhero · 15/04/2016 12:45

go on the calculator yourself i think you find that his payments only reduce for further biological children as the bio dad of her children is responsible for paying for them not him

mix56 · 15/04/2016 12:58

Do what treadsoftly says.
Just furious for you, that he says he is getting a dog & cat, but won't have his own child because there's no room. couldn't they all bunk up ? in this new super duper family ?
Also he does have a house he's not living in...
Plus he's cheating the system.
What a Tosser

WombOfOnesOwn · 15/04/2016 14:45

You're not unreasonable. Look at the example he's setting for your child! Showing her that it's okay to break the law. How terrible...

19lottie82 · 15/04/2016 17:38

abbsismyhero, no if he is (officially) living with a partner with children, then the amount he is legally entitled to pay is reduced, not being their bio father doesn't matter.

19lottie82 · 15/04/2016 17:39

PS great email tread

springydaffs · 15/04/2016 17:53

am I being thick here - but if he's still 'living in his house' then he's not financially responsible for this woman's kids. So why is he keeping up the pretence of living there while at the same time telling you he's paying you less.

What a despicable shit he is btw.

ime I went through the courts. This was back in the day, mind, but CSA was crap then and is still crap now. You'd have a good case and he could well be ordered to pay costs. Just a thought. Perhaps get a free half hour with a lawyer to see where you stand?

ladylambkin · 15/04/2016 17:53

CMS do not count tax credits as earnings they will obtain a figure for his gross annual income and use that. If he states he has children in his household he will receive a reduction whether the children are his or not. CMS are linked to Child Benefit so the child benefit for these children needs to be in payment at your ex address for the reduction to be made