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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do you get past the feeling of pity stage without taking them back?

24 replies

HoppingForward · 14/04/2016 21:22

I truly feel sorry for him, he is coming across via text as a broken man.

If I don't text back I receive aggressive fuck you messages, followed by apologies because he is in a dark place or at his very lowest ever point.

I don't want to hurt him but it took me years to build my courage to leave, it's all been a mess, the DC aren't handling it very well and although I know it was the right thing to do its all so much harder than I thought it would be.

Today I realised I pity him, I don't need him here to make things better, he only messages about how he feels, but a part of me feels so sad that we couldn't make him happy in the first place.

I can't ignore his text messages, can I? We were married for 15years.

OP posts:

Aussiebean · 14/04/2016 21:28

You can block the messages. That might help.

Maybe write down some of the events of the last 15 years that showed how much he cared about you, put you first, took your thoughts and feelings into consideration, took pity on you.

Then a list of the times he didn't.

You can see that he is feeling sorry for himself and has no thought about what happened that made you want to leave. If he did, he would be in councilling, apologising and leaving you alone.

In stead you get abuse and are expected to forgive and forget because he is in a dark place.

Aussiebean · 14/04/2016 21:29

You may not want to hurt him, but he doesn't have the same considerations about you.

arsenaltilidie · 14/04/2016 21:34

To him anything you say to just gives him hope.
The best thing you can do for him is to ignore; only communicate on what's necessary.

Eventually he will accept its over.

Original poster

HoppingForward · 14/04/2016 21:36

I know I should block him, I have so much more going on here trying to support the DC and keeping my job. He never showed any emotion when here so now I read about him crying and feeling so lonely and sad, I suppose it's just hitting a response from me.

He keeps asking if I think we are truly finished but he doesn't want my honest reply and if I did send it I know I would get a fuck you message back.

He doesn't have any family and a small friendship circle, he doesn't have anyone to talk to. I've been telling him he should get himself some help via the GP or private therapy but he has yet to do that, 10 weeks down the line.

He doesn't seem to remember how sad and horrible it all was near the end of our marriage or acknowledge how spun up he had me, gas lighting things that happened in the past, no real understanding that the damage is done and getting back together really can't be an option.

OP posts:

daisychain01 · 14/04/2016 21:54

This will sound harsh, but you need to separate your emotions from the person he was to you when you got together and loved each other. He is an adult, and worrying about his support network or whether he should go to the GP really isn't your responsibility any more. He's a grown man so you don't need to rescue him.

Give yourself a good talking to, you've been brave enough to make the move and split. Now you need to keep on being brave and not weaken because he's (sorry) too pathetic to sort himself out. I bet he isn't sitting there worrying about how you're coping!!

Costacoffeeplease · 14/04/2016 22:01

I can see why you got rid, just ignore the bleating

RandomMess · 14/04/2016 22:01

Block, block, block, block.

Love is actions far more than words!

Original poster

HoppingForward · 14/04/2016 22:02

It is harsh Daisy but it's the reason I posted, I need some grounding on how he is making me feel, I really can't go back, these 10 weeks have been hell, I never imagined how the DC would react and need to remember I blew their world apart when I decided enough was enough.

I've blocked his mobile number.

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Original poster

HoppingForward · 14/04/2016 22:04

random I've re read his messages this evening and I told him actions speak louder than words. His reply was that he needs my support to be able to action anything.

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RandomMess · 14/04/2016 22:11

Tough shit each of us is only responsible for ourselves.

He had done NOTHING to try and help himself, you don't want another child to look after.

Sorry but when I told my "H" it was over (long story but anxiety/depression played a big part) it took him a week to ask if I would try again and my conditions were that he sought help etc. and you know what he did v. quickly.

Original poster

HoppingForward · 14/04/2016 22:19

Sadly he has done nothing to help and won't take any responsibility for even a small part of it all.

Repeats to self < I wasn't mad or mental after all> and I knew it all along.

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Aussiebean · 14/04/2016 22:19

He knows what he needs to do, yet he doesn't do it. Instead he puts the responsibility of it on you.

You know you did the right thing. The lesson he was teaching your daughters about the acceptable behaviour of men towards them is enough of a reason, let alone everything else.

He had many opportunities to get help throughout your relationship. It wasn't a one time thing. It happened a number of times before you were able to leave. He had no remorse then. Only when he lost his cushy lifestyle did he suddenly become remorseful.

And then, only remorseful enough to get you back. Not remorseful enough to actually do anything meaningful.

It must be really hard. But you know you are doing the right thing.

Original poster

HoppingForward · 14/04/2016 22:35

Yes, it is very, very hard but no good can come from going backwards.

I need to concentrate on building our DC back up.

It's very lonely but I've blocked him now, thank you

OP posts:

DustyMaiden · 14/04/2016 22:36

You have done it now. If you undo it you will have to do it again. Stay strong.

RandomMess · 14/04/2016 22:53

Even when I was near deranged and very unwell due to the effect DH had on me (due to him being unwell) I grasped that my own mental health was my responsibility as his belonged to him. Which he also knew for himself.

Anyway, run for the hills your ex is like poison dripping onto you at every opportunity.

Yoksha · 15/04/2016 11:12

Hopping,

I remember following your last thread.

petalsandstars · 15/04/2016 11:45

Hopping well done for blocking him.

Forwards is the only way. He was a shit and will be again if you let him. There's no concern for anyone but him - this is not your problem.

badtime · 15/04/2016 12:02

He keeps asking if I think we are truly finished but he doesn't want my honest reply and if I did send it I know I would get a fuck you message back

You are still modifying your behaviour in an attempt to keep him calm.

If he was genuinely sad and broken etc, he would stay sad and broken even after you told him something he didn't want to hear, not immediately get angry and abusive.

You know that he is trying to manipulate you. Don't allow him to.

needresolution · 15/04/2016 12:03

Keep strong hopping I'm 12 months down the line and I'm still getting EA fuck you messages - it really does grate me and he knows how to push my buttons! I gave him a chance of reconciliation last year and he blew it - that was enough for me. I'm now rebuilding my life and moving on.
Good Luck

Original poster

HoppingForward · 15/04/2016 14:41

yorksha I did have a couple of threads when we first split in FWB this year. I should go back and have a read. Like Aussie said, when I think about what we went through its amazing how he can even ask if we are over.

It's my weekend with the DC this weekend so hopefully a quiet one, I've not unblocked him. If he needs to speak to DC he can call their mobile or the house phone.

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Jan45 · 15/04/2016 15:45

There are plenty folk you could feel sorry for that actually deserve your pity, he deserves nothing from you so stop feeling guilty, he is still trying to control you and I bet he feels no guilt, he's a self centred arsehole that's why.

He's been that used to controlling you the truth is too much for his selfish nature to handle.

mum2mum99 · 15/04/2016 15:55

Yes regardless of what happen it will be painful for both of you. Breaking up is never easy, but you will get over it.
He is turning the water works on full blast.
You do not have to believe his Oscar winning performance!
It's a great way of controlling you and keeping you tied in.
You are not responsible for his feelings. Erase him from your life. Let go. Look ahead and do not look back.

PhoenixReisling · 15/04/2016 16:20

Pleased to read that he remains blocked.

Reading through all your threads about him, should help to remind you why you shouldn't pity him.

He is responsible for this, he did this and he needs to stop the abuse.

Your only responsibility is to yourself and your DC. Your DC, will learn how to be strong and that you have put them first.

nicenewdusters · 15/04/2016 16:26

I always think it sounds a bit naff, but I did write down the really nasty things my ex said and did. In the early weeks after the split, when I felt sorry for him, I would take the paper out of my drawer and remind myself. Each time it really hurt, but it reminded me of the man he had become, not the one I had first met and loved for many years.

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