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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

would this make you cross?

30 replies

booksrock · 14/04/2016 09:00

A few months ago DH found out that via his parents he would inherit so money from a deceased relative. Basically his mum inherited a lot and decided to pass some on to her three children now. We are very pleased and start making joint plans on how to spend the money. I suggest we sort out isa's etc so that the money can be tax efficient while we make the plans.

Fast forward to last night and we start talking about new cars, I mention that when the money comes in we can start looking at a newer car for DH as his needs replacing. He mentions he has had the money for a few weeks and its just sat in an account. Apparently I've been too busy to tell.

We have just had a week away and he didn't find the time to mention he has a lot of money sat in an account for doing nothing? The tax year as just past - we could have utilised 2 tax years of ISA savings.

I 'do' the money in our relationship and neither of us are big spenders but surely he could have mentioned it before now? We spent Sunday looking around for the best price for a few new kitchen tiles when we had a lot of money just hanging around.

Am I justified in being a little cross??

OP posts:

Joysmum · 14/04/2016 09:10

Same happened with my DH.

He doesn't think about money and it genuinely never occurred to him. Me, I'm very organised and money aware and if I'd not had 22 years of seeing his indifference to money (he never checks his accounts unless there's no money in there!) then I'd have assumed something negative.

He drives me up the wall but he won't ever change.

FredaMayor · 14/04/2016 09:17

DH is being disingenuous with you, OP. Nobody is too busy to hear positive news about money. On some level does DH resent your organising of your joint money?

Btw, you are justified in being furious, IMHO.

HeddaGarbled · 14/04/2016 09:23

I actually think it's a bit odd. Surely most people would just say, oh, that money has come in?

I wonder whether he feels like you are steam rollering him a bit. Has he been allowed any say about what you do with the money? Honestly, have a think about that. Has he said what he would like to do with it or part of it or has he just agreed with all your ideas?

It won't do any harm for it to sit in his bank account for a few months. Stressing about getting or not getting 2 years tax relief is a bit over obsessive when you've just come into a windfall.

Original poster

booksrock · 14/04/2016 09:25

DH is rubbish with money (would just leave in a 0% account forever) and I am more aware so he is happy for me to take control, we have a joint pot and separate spends and jointly agree on all large purchases before spending anything.

I think it just slipped him mind, and he hadn't realised I was waiting to hear the money was in as I had plans of where to put it to gain best interest before using it for some capital projects in the house.

OP posts:

springydaffs · 14/04/2016 09:33

Erm. A bit strange not to mention a huge pot of money has come through

MatildaTheCat · 14/04/2016 09:34

Unless you are thinking of waiting several years then the interest will be negligible at the moment. You would get more value from the money by doing the work and enjoying the benefit.

However,not hats not what you asked.

I would feel cross but let it go. Perhaps he enjoyed the sensation for once in his life of having a healthy bank balance? It's not as if he's spent the money.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 14/04/2016 10:04

It's good at least one of you has a head for finances and is sensible. But just for a couple of weeks he probably enjoyed the novelty of having a windfall sit untouched in an account. Yes it's family money. It is practical to make our money work for us. He has responsibilities and I'm not saying he should fritter it away. Like MatildaTheCat says, I wonder if he would like to earmark some of it for a treat?

Original poster

booksrock · 15/04/2016 12:49

ok, spoke to DH about this last night. He got the money before we went away and did transfer some into his ISA, the rest is in an old savings account. So far so good. I made a list of everything we had previously spoke about doing with the money and balanced it back to what he had got, with a mixture of things for the house, new car for him and savings for us and DC.
He now has the list to think about, which is the way we approach most decisions, he is not to be rushed but likes to have a think. SO its not a huge thing, I just need to get over myself.

OP posts:

Genx77 · 15/04/2016 12:58

I think he's viewing it as 'his' money. Not telling you it had been deposited into his account was his way of holding onto it a little bit longer. There is no way you could have been so busy that he didn't have time to tell you, and that's the thing I'd be most pissed off about, there's a reason he didn't tell you and I'd be trying to get an answer to that rather than organising how it's going to be spent.

springydaffs · 15/04/2016 17:21

I agree with Genx

RealityCheque · 15/04/2016 17:55

It IS his money actually.

Genx77 · 15/04/2016 19:52

How is it only his money? Surely it comes under the umbrella of 'family money'? Given that he has a wife and children?! It would hardly be appropriate for him to buy a sports car and solo cruise around the world would it?!

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 15/04/2016 19:58

My dh has done, and will inherit money, and I do think of it as his money. It hasn't come from my side of the family, and if I wasn't with him I wouldn't get any. Of course he'll share it and consult me, but I very much feel it's his money and he has any final say over how it's spent. If he wanted it in a 0% account so be it, after I'd pointed out the other options.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 15/04/2016 21:43

Actually in the country I reside it is his money. And he could decide what to do with it. Here, what you bring into the marriage, you take out and if you inherit it's purely yours, not to be shared if you choose.

stonecircle · 15/04/2016 22:02

How would this work if a man posted? If he said his wife had come into a lot of money, they'd started making plans and he'd suggested what they should do with it as he manages the money in their relationship.....doesn't sound great does it? Especially if he then says he's cross that she didn't tell him as soon as she received the money.

And really, you might as well put the money under the mattress at the moment as put it in an isa.

donajimena · 15/04/2016 22:08

It is 'his' money. Unless you are getting divorced then it would be a bit different (ok I know its all the same..)
Id be royally fucked off if I inherited off a family member and my (mythical) husband came home with a Mercedes brochure and ISA plans. You need to rein it in.

Ameliablue · 15/04/2016 22:11

I wouldn't be cross.

Itisbetternow · 15/04/2016 22:12

Perhaps he has had enough of you controlling him and writing him lists to think about. it is family money but in the true sense it is his as his family have given it to him. Perhaps give him some credit and let him decide what he wants do with his inheritance.

Pinkheart5915 · 15/04/2016 22:16

It's his inheritance so it wouldn't bother me he hadn't mentioned it. But to say you were cross by not knowing seriously?

When my dh inherited a large sum of money from his grandma, I didn't know the money was in our account until I logged on to Internet banking but I wasn't bothered as far as I was concerned it come from his family therefore is his money and up to him to decide what to do with it.

gamerchick · 15/04/2016 22:18

I agree, you need to step back. It's his inheritance let him enjoy the feel of him having money 'just for him'.

I'm the same as you in that I like to plan and allocate, every year the husband gets a big bonus and I do twitch. But I say or do nothing and he decides.. Always in what I would say anyway but if he didn't then it's up to him.

Big.step.back, let him just go with his own flow.

Lindy2 · 15/04/2016 22:27

When I inherited a sum of money it was actually a very emotional thing for me. It was wonderful to have that sum of money but at the same time I was grieving the person who gave it. I'd rather have had my relative still alive and getting excited with plans for their cash would have felt disrespectful. It's an inheritance not a lottery win. Have you considered that your husband could be feeling quite emotional at the moment.

Original poster

booksrock · 15/04/2016 22:47

The inheritance was from a distint relation of his that I saw more than he did and she passed a few years ago. This is not a recent or big emotional shock. I'm not heartless

OP posts:

haveacupoftea · 15/04/2016 22:47

It's his money, maybe he just likes looking at it in his bank account before you whip ot away into capital projects or whatever you call it.

haveacupoftea · 15/04/2016 22:48

It*

gamerchick · 15/04/2016 22:53

It doesn't matter where it came from. It's his money.

Step back man.

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