Worried about my DD - calling parents of girls aged 10 or over!

[MummyPenguin]

My DD will be 11 at the end of next month. I've been worried about her for a while now, as she seems to suffer from periods of depression. These have recently become worse and more frequent. Last year she had some upsetting friendship issues at school, which are now sorted, and she has a new group of friends and is happy in their company. In the last few months, we've had quite a rough time as a family, my Aunt, who my DC were very fond of, passed away in November. A few days after that, my DD was staying at my Mum's one night, and my Mum had a stroke in the night, which my DD slept through. Mum managed to call for help, and my DD awoke to two paramedics in the house and something wrong with her Nan. Obviously a frightening experience for her. However, her bouts of depression and mood swings have been occuring for a long time before the recent troubles. I haven't taken her to the doctors, as it's very changeable. She can be happy and laughing and playing in the morning, and low and tearful by the afternoon. It really is mood swings, but as I said, they're getting more frequent, more severe. I've asked her all the usual questions, problems at school? Home? Something she's not telling me? But she answers, that it's nothing like that, she doesn't know why she feels so low. She recently went through a horrible episode where she kept feeling that she wanted to hurt herself and was very worried that she would do so. It was very distressing for her, and me, to see her like that. This seems to have passed at the moment. I know she's at the age where her hormones have started to kick in, I've wondered if it might be a hormone imbalance. She's very at the moment, and I don't know if it's just 'normal' stuff or something more.

She has two brothers who at times drive her to distraction, but nothing out of the ordinary sibling relationship. They do play well together and are all very close too. Her Dad and I are together, she has pets, a nice home, no obvious reasons to be so Anyone else experienced similar with their girls? Did it pass or did you have to seek help?

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Mummypenguin - have you got my dd? Sounds so similar. My older dd went through this too about 6 months before her periods started, so i am sure this will happen to dd2 soon. The relief is immense when they start, strangely. But with dd1 it was also that she needed 2 things- apart from being able to cry and talk as she felt she needed too.

1. Some time alone away from all the noise of the family, so for her it works to snuggle up on my bed and watch a video on a saturday on her own. No one is allowed to disturb her.
2. We have a night out(just her and me) every 2/3 months where i can totally focus on her. All the dds have this now and they can chose where they want to go- usually take away and cinema.

I know as a mum i felt/feel so bad when my children get depressed as though im not doing enough for them, but it happens to all of us and their little bodies at 10/11/12 are going through such massive changes - like menopause but in reverse! I also give the dds a tonic, i think its Halibo orange one, as a little boost. It does get better hth

Thanks crazylazydazy. Yes, DD and I had a day out together a couple of weeks ago. We went to the cinema and shopping, and she really enjoyed it. I plan to make this a regular thing, once a month or so. I've wondered if it might be related to the onset of periods too. My Mum thinks it's that. As you say, it may well be a relief when that happens.

What I am going to say is going to sound very hard. Please do not pin your hopes on counselling. My daughter - now somewhat older than yours - went through similar things. Sadly she did resort to self-harm. We have been to GP and she has seen so far 3 counsellors. None have helped at all - her comment each time (and by time I meant months/years - not one session) is they do not listen. I attended some sessions with her in one case and - bluntly - I would agree. They seemed to want to fit her into some model they had of what a child with problems should conform to. Discussion with a contact who has some psychiatric training suggested that this is not uncommon and that we might have to search long and hard to find someone who could genuinely help her. This was also sadlly backed up with conversation at her school ie good sources of help are hard to find and in addition child and adolescent mental health services are sorely stretched (although we did "go private" as well).Our own solution has been lots of support and encouraging activities and distractions outside of school. I am sorry this is not an answer and I really do wish you all the best.

Roselind, yes, I know counselling may not be a 'magic wand' solution to DD's problems, and I have been a bit concerned that it might make her feel that she's 'got a problem'. I know she has, of sorts, at the moment, but I am wary of her feeling labelled. I'm not pinning my hopes on counselling, at the moment, it's a first step for us. If it doesn't work for my DD then we shall have to try other tactics. As you say, that may well be just things we'll have to do ourselves. At the moment though, I just feel she needs professional help, and I, for one, at the moment, would just like a professional opinion. I hope it works for us, because at the moment, I don't know what else to do.

Just re-read my last post. I said 'at the moment' far too much!

MummyPenquin, sorry I have no advice for you but want to let you know I am thinking of you. DDs are so very precious and I had a really rough time with mine a year ago although in her case it was purely hormonal. Pester the GP till you wear them then, she is a child and needs help NOW. Big hugs

Just read all this MummyP and wanted to send you my support. My eldest DD is 11, and in some ways very mature for her age... she's gone through a lot, having a tricky relationship with her sister (dd2) and also DD3 has SN. Then her Dad and I split, so we (the girls and I) moved 50 mile away to be near my family. After all this, she goes through mood swings for sure, at one point had the disturbing habit of pulling her hair when frustrated by something. However, this stopped and I always felt it was her way of coping with a lack of control over changes in her life. I try to give her as much control as I can over many things in her life to redress this. At the moment she is OK, and I think her behaviour is not out of the ordinary for a girl entering puberty.
I can tell you are worried there is something more going on with your girl, and like other posters, want to say you are being a great Mum. You are keeping an eye on her behaviour in case it slips into something more serious, and you are seeking help from outside agenicies. Personally, I think I would do the same in your circumstances, and I don't think you need to be doing anymore, apart from watching how things develop with her. You are fantastic, and she's lucky to have you on her side. Lots of love to you both xxx

Oh, MoreTeaVicar, and TheHeadGirl, that's so kind of you both, thank you so much. Will keep this thread updated as to how we get on.
It's so nice to come on here and know you'll always get advice, suggestions that perhaps you hadn't thought of, support and cyber hugs! It means a lot right now.

DD was happy tonight, as her birthday is coming up, and I have booked tickets to take her and two friends to see a show, and she's going to have the girls back here for a sleepover, and retail therapy the following day. It's really going to give her something to look forward to, and hopefully will be a distraction from what she's been going through.

DDs have so much to deal with at this age and if they are quite mature, certainly in my DDs case,(looks more 14 than 11), it is easy to forget they are just children and we tend to treat them a whole lot older than their years. All those hormonal feelings going on, it stares us in the face if we can take time out to stand back and think about it. Easier said than done when you are busy with the throws of life and all that goes with it. I sometimes get wrapped up in DS who is younger and demands more attention and then have to remember yet again DD needs me too. That makes me sound awful really but I'm sure you all know what I mean. I give huge amounts of love and praise on a daily basis and thats all you can do. Be there, listen, protect, advise and love them. MP it will get better and it sounds you are hot on her trail, you are doing your best. Phone that GP/clinic today, dont wait for them. FWIW my DDs behaviour/emotional state had me in tears on many an occasion but looking back, how must she have been feeling? Growing up is hard, life is hard, Im the wrong side of 50 and it is still hard! Hugs to you both.

Thanks again, MTV. My DD isn't very mature for her age. I'd say she looks about 10 (although she's soon to turn 11), but she's very 'young' in her ways. Will chase up the referral and see how we get on.

Thanks again, MTV. My DD isn't very mature for her age. I'd say she looks about 10 (although she's soon to turn 11), but she's very 'young' in her ways. Will chase up the referral and see how we get on.

oops posted twice.

MP read all the threads as I have a dd1 aged 12 who seems to be the twin of yours, except the self-hurting.
I think you are doing all the right things, sometimes you must feel like a wrung-out dish cloth at the end of the day. I know I do. I find the difficulty is not being prepared for it. I can be having a lovely time, laughing with her and all of a sudden she takes offence at something I have said and she goes all bolshy and stand-offish. Its like being smacked, very hard in the face. I cant imagine that and then her telling me she wants to hurt herself ...poor you.
I know nothing about self-harming or the causes of it. Have you read things about it? Why do they want to do it/ how will they think they will feel, when they have done it? That would be my first port of call. FWIW I do think the moods etc are pre-period stuff. Best of luck and thinking of you kind and caring MPxx Keep us posted.

Thanks, furcoatandnoknickers (great name ). Yes, there are similarities with my girl and yours, just like you say, the way you can say something, and they'll completely take it out of context and go all huffy. Another thing she does is worry a bit excessively that she's upset me. For example, I mentioned to her that she might like to write her feelings down, as she may find it easier to relay how she's feeling etc, but she really didn't want to do that, she seemed to be very concerned that if she came across the writing again, it would all flood back. I said that I would destroy the paper, or keep it somewhere where she won't find it, so that wouldn't happen, but she was really against the idea, saying that 'seeing the thoughts/feelings is worse than thinking them.' I let it drop, as didn't want to push the issue. After that, she kept asking me if I was cross with her for not accepting the idea, and was quite concerned that I'd be annoyed with her. This sort of thing crops up with other issues too.

I had a look on the internet about self harm, but couldn't find much that was relevant to her, so am still a bit in the dark about it. The GP says it's borne out of frustration. Like, these feelings she has make her so frustrated and upset that she wants to physically hurt them away, if that makes sense.

Will keep this updated. Thanks everyone.

MP
mine (3yrs, 9yrs and 12yrs) have all been happily playing wild ponies ALL day! nb to self - must remember how lovely this was, when shes being particularly revolting.
She has just come over and asked my mn name (which I havnt told her), and shes flaunted off saying in a very bolshy voice "keeping secrets is a form of bullying". flick of hair..
Oh lord..!

MP - you sound like you're doing all the right things and I hope you don't have to wait too long for the appointment.

It's a route I've been considering for my dd over the last few months. Like yours she has very down periods and I've found it a struggle to pull her out of it. She does have stuff to feel down about, chronic illness, recent tragic death of a friend, due to have braces next week, problems with her self image. I could weep just writing it down TBH . I've been hoping that it's hormonal as she's 13 and not yet had a period. She will talk to me but it makes you feel so helpless doesn't it?

Sorry - I've offloaded onto your thread - you sound like a great mum. Hugs.

No, not at all, Saggar, you haven't offloaded onto my thread, it's interesting how setting this thread up shows that more girls than just mine (and it can feel like that at times) are experiencing similar things. Like you say, I'm sure hormones and the onset of periods do play a big part.

FCNK, your girls sound like they've had a great day with their pony game! LOL at your 12 yr old - how familiar that is, sometimes they're just too clever, aren't they?

Had a letter through this morning, from the clinic we've been referred to. I've to call them to make an appointment. The first one will be an 'assesment' and we're all to attend, I guess so they can assess our family dynamics. Then they will take it from there and I suppose see DD on her own.

MP Thats good news. remember try not to make everyone on their best behaviour - because you know that will back fire! You might end up wanting to say "we arent NORMALLY like that"!! BEST OF BEST LUCK Post to let us know when so we can send you good vibes

I will. You're right about not trying to make everyone on their best behaviour. They should see us as we usually are. (God help 'em!) I wasn't going to take my DS's aged 7 and 8, as the letter said to expect the appointment to last about an hour and a half, and I thought what a nightmare that will be with the boys, whom at the moment are into an annoying each other as much as possible phase, but as DH said, they need to see all that at the clinic, so they can assess whether there are any sibling goings on that may be contributing to DD's situation. She does get very stressed around her Brothers at times, especially the youngest, as he's a little git and really annoying and antagonistic a lot of the time.

Update. We had the appointment at the clinic that we've been referred to, on Monday. We saw a Social Worker. I was quite apprehensive about this, as, not being funny, we've never had to have anything to do with SW's and I didn't intend to start. It was fine though, as it seems that she just does the initial assessment, and we then get 'handed over' to one of the Therapists. One of the first things that the SW said was that there's no particular reason why we were seeing a SW so that put my mind at rest.
We just went through the background - how long DD has been feeling like she has, why, possibly, she's feeling like she does, and so on. The SW seemed to think that the death of my Aunt, and my Mum having a stroke is responsible for DD's state of mind, but whilst I know that these events have had an impact on her, I feel that there's more to it than that.
The SW asked DD a few questions, and tried to get her to talk about how she's feeling, but she was very 'closed' and reluctant to say much, but she is like that. I think she might have felt awkward because DS's and DH and I were in the room, but they had asked to see us all together this first appointment. DD has another appointment with a Therapist on the 16th March, and I will take her on her own that time.
To conclude, the SW said that we are obviously a 'normal' family, and that we've been doing all the right things thus far in trying to get DD to talk about how she's feeling, and having one to one time with her.
DD has been saying a lot lately that she feels very pushed out by the boys, and that they take presedence over her. I try as much as I can to reassure her that they're all equally important and valued, but because DS's are two boisterous little boys, that in itself puts them in the foreground. It upsets me that she feels like that, I mean, I can't exactly get rid of the boys can I? The flip side of that though, is that they do all play well together, and are close. Obviously they have their fallings out like all siblings, and I do believe that she'd rather have them around than not have them around. I think she's just quite confused ATM, and her head's all over the place. We're still having the mood swings and extreme tearfulness. She hasn't however mentioned the self harm thoughts quite as much lately.

I'll leave it at that, quite a long post again.