Mum is constantly "borrowing" and stealing money, don't know what to do :(

[MarbleFox]

So, I'm 21 and currently living with my mum. I'm a student and work 14 hours per week in a small clothes shop. I have a decent income but that's severely reduced by my travel costs which are over £300 monthly. I pay £35 a week to her which is an amount she suggested. I've offered her more in the past when I've known things are tight for her and I always try to give her extra when I can. For example, I gave her £100 of the £200 that had backdated into my account because I was overtaxed in my last job. For the most part, we have a good relationship and get along well but her "borrowing" and stealing is getting out of control.

Almost every week she asks to borrow money, normally between £30 - £50. I totally don't mind just giving her extra money occasionally but I can't afford this every week. In the past month I've lent her £200 and I now can't afford to pay my overdue phone bill until I get paid next Friday. I know you're probably thinking I should just say no but it's not that easy. If I say no she goes absolutely mad. Rants and screams that I'm selfish and I don't appreciate all that she's done for me, I do but I just can't afford to lend her money all the time. She also NEVER gives me back the money I lend her, it's the same story as above, I ask for the money back and she starts ranting and raving. It leads to a horrible atmosphere in the house for days.
Most of the time when she steals it's change from my purse. For example, this morning I got up and realised she'd taken roughly £4.50 out of my purse which was in my bag. I ended up having to walk to work and I was late because that money was my bus fare. I told her this and she didn't really respond, she didn't seem to care at all. Occasionally she'll lift £10 or £20 from my purse and when I ask her about it she'll deny taking it.

I understand I do owe her to an extent for raising me and taking care of me but I feel the situation is getting out of hand. I'm preparing myself to get flamed if I'm honest.

Sorry for the slightly ranty post and I'll answer anything that needs cleared up. Just don't know what to do at the moment and I was really angry this morning when I realised I was going to be late because of her.

She's a cleaner by the way so she's on a low income but she isn't entitled to housing benefit etc. When my dad was alive we had more money as he was a stroke victim so he received DLA and other benefits as it was completely impossible for him to work.

Oh love, it's shit isn't it
You sound like a loving daughter and she is very lucky to have you. The PP is right though, you aren't helping by allowing her to keep taking your money. She's getting herself in a cycle now and the more it continues the more she will rely on it.
I know it's hard to see this but your mums addiction is not your problem. Yes you can support her as best you can but the only person that can really help her is herself.
Has she been to the Drs? They can be a good gateway for getting the support she needs.

In the meantime stick to your guns and only pay her the amount you agreed on, keep any other money hidden in a safe or the bank. If she is desperate for money offer to buy whatever it is she needs eg food, toilet roll etc but do not give her the cash.

Feel free to DM me. I grew up with an alcoholic mum who stole from me.

I am sorry to read about your late father.

She needs to speak to CRUSE rather than use cannabis to dull her pain and senses; she could very well go onto lose her relationship with you as a result of her actions. The lying, denials and thefts are all part of what addictions can do to people.

I doubt very much you will be in much if any hurry to visit her at all once you start university anyway given her current behaviours (which have likely escalated in frequency). I would urge you at that time also to chat with the uni pastoral counsellors about your mother.

You need support now and I would talk to FRANK <a class="break-all" href="//.www.talktofrank.com/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">.www.talktofrank.com/

You still need to remove yourself from this situation before you become even more entrenched and entangled up in it. You cannot help someone who does not want your help or support; she has to make that decision for her own self.

Sorry for your loss. I have no advice to add, you sound like a caring daughter. Make sure you have space to grieve yourself too.

That does all sound v stressful. In terms of managing the situation short term, are there any bus passes you can get to minimise the need for cash? Or even a bike. Are there any long standing family friends that would take you in for 5 months?

Long term there isn't much if anything you can do. Grief is hard, but if you're using any kind of drug as a coping mechanism, then it is a problem. And it won't get better until the person using it decides to stop.

Horrible for you to deal with this. Why not tell her that you feel it's fair to increase the 'rent' by £10 or so, and then she will be getting more from you and then you can feel better about having to hide your money from her. It sounds like you are losing much more than this to the stealing. As she's an adult, perhaps not a very responsible one just at present, then it's up to her as to how to use this money. Hope you can get it sorted out, or can manage to deal with it until you move out.

Hi op, sorry to hear about your dad.

What I'd do is up your rent to £50 a week. Put it in to her bank, bag or leave it on the side to do with what she wants. OR keep the surplus and his offer the £15 and say it's all you have as you have lost your bank card. Then I would stand firm and let her scream and shout.

Why is your travel costs so high? Can you not get a students pass? Weekly saver? My dd gets a weekly saver which adds up to around £80 a month as her bus fare would be £4.50 a day.

Hi OP. Good advice here.
A thought: can you write a list of the money she has borrowed/ 'borrowed' - how much and when? Add it up. You may also want to list the effects on you eg being late for work, not being able to pay your phone bill. Show her. She will be justifying it to herself as it's 'only' the odd bit of change/ £5/ £10/ £20, and not have realised it adds up. It might be a wake-up call.
Tell her you will not be loaning her any more, but you will write the money so far off as she is your mother, only if she:

• gets financial advice (point her to CAB, debt charities etc)
• gets help for the cannabis misuse and her grief (GP, any local addiction charities, MH charities)
• does not steal - you may wish to phrase this as borrowing without asking you - any more. (Sadly you will have to hide your money as pps said. Also make sure you hide anything valuable that she could pawn or sell, jewellery etc, even DVDs can be sold for a couple of quid).

Can you give her less money but buy basic food and other essentials? So she is not spending your money on cannabis.

It's tough. It does sound as if she's struggling with grief which has tipped over into depression, and medicating with cannabis, rather than being a loser. You can feel compassion for her and indeed love her while still setting boundaries, without enabling her. You need to get some support yourself, there are support groups for family members of addicts.

She needs help.

Can you have an adult conversation with her and tell her you understand how she is feeling but she needs to go to counselling and get help as you will no longer fund her habit.

What will she do when you have moved out and has no access to extra cash on tap? I could answer this but none of the options are pleasant unless she sorts herself out.

I'd ask around at college and among friends if there is anyone with a spare room you could have over the summer and you will pay as much as you can afford. You might be able to take a room in a house normally occupied by students while they're at home over the summer, for instance.

Thank you for the advice and kind words everyone

As I said, growing up my mum couldn't have been more loving or supportive. She has always smoked cannabis but only in small amounts, I've never judged her for it. Myself and my sister never went without because of it and it never interfered with our life's.

It's definitely escalated and become a massive problem. I didn't realise until I posted this thread that I'm essentially enabling her.
I've spoken with my sister (lives with her DP & DS) who also agrees the situation is way out of hand. We're both going to sit her down for a frank discussion and hope things go well, we'll be suggesting a lot of the advice suggested in this thread and also offering our own support. My sister is hoping that when she hears it coming from not just me but from her who doesn't live at home anymore the penny will drop. Wish us luck.

If she's willing to accept help then I'll stay until September to support her but if she continues the way she is my sister has offered me a room at her house.

You know what, no mental health appt will have come through by Sep, it's April now and even the housebound have to wait 6 months, so someone in work who smokes joints isn't exactly going to be top of the list.

Sit your Mum down, talk to her and then decide whether you want to move in with your sis or not. Whatever you do, stop paying for the dope.

Do you think there's a risk she'll steal when she's cleaning people's houses? She sounds as though she's lost all sense of what's right and fair.

Sorry about your dad

I think you should move in with your sister either way. You have to look after yourself I'm afraid, as terrible as that might sound or feel. You can encourage your mum to get help and support her, but you need somewhere safe to live where you won't be stolen from and verbally abused if you don't give her money.

Your mum could contact Cruse for bereavement support, Addaction for help with her cannabis dependency, and Citizens Advice for practical advice about money and benefits. If I were you I would encourage her to do all three - but don't let it stop you moving out.

I have a couple of children your age and I feel very sad for you.
Your Mum's grief and difficulty coping is understandable..but that does NOT make her entitled to take your money..ever. I cannot imagine stealing from my children .

I think that moving in with your sister is the sensible solution .If you really want to hang in there, get a safe from Argos or Robert Dyas and keep your purse in there ( I had to do this when DS1 stole from me for a few years during his horrible teens...he's lovely now) . However moving out would be better for you and also for your Mum..at some point she has to face her actions and deal with her grief (and cannabis use) without you.

And I am very sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad last year and it is raw. You sound a lovely person who is coping amazingly.

And no child OWES anyone for their existence. You really don't. xx

My mother used to do this "borrowing" and never returning and stealing money thing -- she did it to fuel an addictive rush from shopping, not weed, though. When I left home I found she'd emptied my banking accounts as well, by impersonating me. I wish I'd called the police, but I didn't.

As you get ready to move away, I would guess she'll try anything in her power to keep you. She's probably getting most of the money for her habit from you at this point, and will realize at some point that she's about to lose out on it and won't be able to continue her current use pattern. She may escalate in any of several ways. BE PREPARED. Make sure your bank accounts are secure and that bank officers know not to let anyone make withdrawals without confirming ID, that sort of thing. You'd think they wouldn't, but I'm proof that it happens.

LanaOrAnna cannabis can be a very expensive addiction. Easily £20+ a day.

OP I've been in this exact situation. Feel free to PM me. X

Before I start I want to get this of my chest -I was/am an addict(however you'd like to put it -I've not taken anything for so long & it doesn't cross my mind so don't feel it is an issue for me no more) & I also started with cannabis when I was alot younger so am only giving you my views & not accusing your mum but it sounds to me like there is more of an issue than cannabis I'm sorry to say. I had my DD when I was younger & although she wasn't old enough to work she still has her own money from family & I would never have used her money for drugs, maybe it was just my mind set that if I didn't have my own money then I would make myself suffer & that's probably the mind set that got me out of that situation thank God! But it sounds like your mum might have more of a problem than she's admitting to with her stealing, her ranting & probably some depression from your dad dying (which I'm sorry to hear about!) Your not working alot of hours so you could probably be doing with keeping most of your money to yourself so I suggest you do as the other posts suggest and find some way to hide your money out keep it out of the house & also try to talk to your mum when shes in one of her better moods, maybe when you know she is a little chilled out, sit and have a yap and ask her nicely if shes ok? & tell her you feel her cannabis use is getting out of hand, maybe she needs to open up to someone and I'm sure she doesn't trust anyone as much as she trusts her DC, it might help?!
I tried to see things from my DDs point of view & that made my desiscion making alot easier. Tell her how you feel & state that she's your mum-mums shouldn't do this to their kids!! I'm sorry to hear your going through this and hope things improve but sometimes it's better to be blunt to get your point across!

I want to agree with the previous posts -1.YOU ARE NOT DUE YOUR MUM ANYTHING FOR HER BRINGING YOU UP, she will be grateful just for you returning her love! 2. Moving in with your sister, even if it's just for a week or two do your mum can realise how much she has formed on your money when your not there for her to take it from -this is including your board because when she didn't have that to fall back on she will really see how much she is spending when it's not there or is coming from her own budget. And 3. I think writing down the amounts & days/dates & what impact it has on your life is a really great idea - it's not so easy to ignore when it's in black k and white (pinned to the fridge??). I think trying one/all of these will make your mum think.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. You sound like a fabulous young woman. Your mum should not be taking your money..period. Parents are supposed to provide for their children, not the other way round. She is not going to change any time soon. Please remove yourself from the situation as soon as you possibly can. Good luck

Get a second purse which looks like something else. A pencil case with a compartment. Keep your original purse with a few pennies in and keep the pencilcase with pens and then cash.

Your mum needs counselling or something. There must be a support group you could give her details of. Just leave it in her hands though as you can lead a
Horse to water but can't make it drink.

Try saying no to the cash. Explain you need to pay your bills and don't have spare cash. Let her go mental and spend a few nights elsewhere till she's calmed down.

It's sad your in this position. No mother should behave like this

You sound like lovely daughters.
I really hope that she takes the help you offer and you can help her through this horrible time.
I can't imagine for a single second what this must be like for you but for you.