Under pressure to have an abortion

[Underpressureandsad]

Hi everyone.

I've name-changed for this because...well, just because. I hope that's ok.

I'll try to keep this as short as possible. I slept with my ex just as we were breaking up. He'd been slowly torturing me for months and months, breaking up and reeling me back in, sleeping with another girl and lying about it (until I found out they'd been on holiday together!!), slowly grinding me down, etc.

A few weeks later I found out I'm pregnant. At first, the first 10 days or so, he was scared but supportive. We still live together (long story) and he was super sweet and looking after me.Told me we'll find a way, we'll do it together, of course I won't be a single mother. Then he completely flipped it on his head, sobbed and screamed and said I was ruining his life. Eventually I booked to have an abortion at 7.5 weeks, becasue I couldn't cope with the idea of that for the rest of my life, even though I desperately didn't want to have an abortion. A few days before he called me to say he didn't think I should do it, that he loves me, that we'll make it work, that he can't bear the idea of me having a family with someone else in the future. I said I'd think about it. Went to the clinic but couldn't go thruogh with it. When I told him I hadn't done it, he hit the roof, threw all sorts of abuse and insults at me, told me I'd done this on purpose, I'm a cold, calculating, manipulative bitch etc. We weren't in the same country for a couple of weeks but he said we needed to talk when I got back. That talk happened on Saturday. I said I'd made a decision to go ahead with the pregnancy (I'm now 11 weeks, and have had a scan and seen a little foetus wiggling around and heart beating away strongly). He cried, then shouted and swore at me, then left saying he was going to throw himself off a bridge, then came back and screamed at me some more. Grabbed a kitchen knife and locked himself in the bathroom and threatened to slit his throat (and flinched - ever so slightly - towards me when I said 'oh well why don't you just stab me in the stomach, it's clearly what you want' - which I said because I was hoping it would show him how ridiculous he was being).

Now it turns out that this other girl, with whom he's been telling me all along he's no longer seeing, has been waiting patiently for him to move out of our flat so they can be together, and he is devastated that he has to tell her about this (becasue obviously he's been stringing her along, and was sleeping with her as well, and she has no idea about any of this) and it's going to 'ruin his life' and make everyone hate him, etc. This all came out Saturday night and Sunday. So I told him Sunday fine, I'll have the abortion, because I can't cope any more and am starting to resent the baby. He came home Sunday night and told me I don't have to do anything I don't want to do, and told me all the things he loves about me, and all the things he couldn't bear to live without if I had an abortion and wasn't in his life anymore. And that it will all be ok. We had a lovely, calm evening until the OW phoned to have a go at him about something (because she clearly knows at this point that something is going on, given that he was supposed to move out last month and hasn't). He flipped again and has been giving me abuse ever since about how I don't care about him or his life or his future or anything.

Sorry, that was really long and rambly, but I haven't slept for days and I am a total mess. I still love him so I can't bear to see him hurting but at the same time, he's hurting because he's been so dishonest with everyone. My question is...firstly...has anyone ever been under this much pressure to have an abortion, and resisted it? Has anyone ever not had the abortion and then regretted not doing it? And does anyone have any experience dealing with a man like this, whom I suspect is something of a narcissist? How do I deal with it? I feel broken and defeated. He tells me he can't bear to see me upset so I don't have to have an abortion, and then when I don't, he punishes me for it. I am so desperate, I don't know what to do, and I am TERRIFIED that if I have the baby I will just resent it for being at the centre of how utterly unpleasant my life is right now.

Please help me :(

OP the thing is, you seem like you were unsure because of his attitude

He is horrible horrible person. My feeling is you need to decide if you want to have the baby alone. He shouldn't be inflicted on the child IMO. Imagine what he'd be like as a parent.

So I'd be asking myself "Do I want to raise this baby alone?" Have you got other support?

I'm sorry you're in such a tough spot

If you stay, he will make you and your child's life a f*cking misery. If you intend continuing with this pregnancy then you need to leave now! Hoping that he will come around is thinking that landed you in this mess, it's time to make better decisions because there's someone else to think about now.

You need to stop protecting him and worrying about his feelings when he has disregarded yours on all counts. You can't abandon him?! He is shagging someone else and changes his mood towards you like the weather. He is manipulating you, stop caring what he thinks!

Make a choice that's right for you.

I agree with Boo

The comments we can make here and any advice we can give will only address the practical matters and readers' impressions of how your emotions are going to be affected either way, but the situation is one big mess for you, for him, for his OW and for any potential child of your relationship

Given what you've described, personally I'd want to completely remove myself from this man's radar and not have any ties to him in the future, practical or emotional. That's without worrying about a DC's future.

I wouldn't be influenced by any thoughts of this pregnancy being a 'last chance' especially not at your age, but I do wish you all the best in making your decision

Mmm, I think you need some German legal advice and whether you decide to continue with the pregancy or have an abortion, remember you are doing this out of maternal love. Most women who have abortions, have them to avoid bringing a child into a bad mess, not for their own benefit.

He actually doesn't sound stable enough to carry through the entire legal process. Could you have the baby in the UK without affecting your maternity leave?

It may not be ideal, but is there anyway you can go home to your parents and have the baby there? You could claim income support and tax credits until you're ready to look for a new job, and just start again.

I say this from the position of starting over when my eldest were toddlers, I was on benefits for three months and then worked part time, got a flat (rented) and built my way up from there.

You could start a whole new life.

Oh and my dc have no contact with their 'father' and it hasn't affected then negatively in any way. My DH has brought them up since they were tiny and we are off my (abusive) ex's radar completely.

I disagree with other posters who say that you've got plenty of time to get knocked up. Realistically you don't. Equally you're very clear that you don't want to have an abortion.

Given your age and situation I would just go ahead regardless of this awful man. If he's so set against a kid he's not likely to want to be very much involved. Many men threaten that they will be but then can't be bothered when it comes to it because it's far too much effort.

No real advice OP except to say you have to do what YOU want here, not be bullied by him.

I had an abortion last year in very different circumstances (stable relationship), and struggled greatly to accept what I chose to do. With the benefit of hindsight I still think I made the right, pragmatic choice, but I can only imagine how I'd be feeling if I'd been unsure and pressured into it by someone else.

Your body, your baby, your choice.

He's going to threaten whatever he can so that you do what he wants and have an abortion.

Wow, thank you everyone for the responses, I'm a bit overwhelmed (as I am by everything these days!)

I guess these are the facts:

If I'd wised up to this when I first found out, and if he'd reacted badly from the start, I would probably have had an abortion there and then. However, I'm now 11 weeks and have let myself fall a little bit in love with this little one - additionally I feel very pregnant and have got attached that way. Realistically I don't know if I could live with myself if I had an abortion.

I absolutely would not want my daughter with a man like this. I was married to a nasty, abusive, miserable man in my 20s, and met new guy (the ex in question) shortly after I left my ex-H. He was charming, and fun, and positive, and made me feel good about myself after years of being downtrodden and told I wasn't good enough. But as it turns out he was just another variety of abuser. I feel desperately sorry for my parents, who've had to watch me get hurt badly and then hurt worse, because apparently a lifetime of low self esteem has led to an inevitable attraction to the kind of men who take advantage of that. onceameer to be totally clear, I'm not hoping to be with him...I guess I'm just hoping that he'll either chill the fuck out and accept this and get on board, or just walk away, rather than sticking around and torturing me for the rest of my life for a decision which he's said all along is mine to make (I guess so he doesn't have to shoulder any guilt or blame if I have an abortion and then can't handle it emotionally...)

I have considered going back to the UK as soon as the baby is old enough and I have a passport for it, for the rest of my maternity leave. BUt I don't want to go back and give birth there, as all my prenatal care will be here and I have private insurance which will cover everything.

The solution is that I need to stop shouldering his emotion as well as my own. It's NOT my fault that he has lied to this OW and now all his/their friends are going to think badly of him, it's NOT my fault that they are all people he works with so it will make his work life difficult (there's a lesson there about dipping one's pen in the company ink, for sure), and it's NOT my responsibility to worry about his future, which he now claims is ruined because 'no woman will ever want to go out with a man who has a baby on the way/a young child'. It's also not my fault that his whole objection seems to be what this will do to his love life (with no regard for how that makes me feel), and that seems a flimsy reason for an abortion, honestly.

Thank you everyone. I am feeling stronger this afternoon. Who knows what this evening or tomorrow will bring, but for now I have my 'I can do this' hat on.

He sounds totally nuts.

If you do abort, he will no doubt shout from the roof tops "You killed my baby". In short, whatever you do will always be wrong in his eyes. Bearing that in mind, I would do what YOU want. In your shoes, I would definitely keep the baby. Don't let this arsehole rob you of your baby, being a Mum, and a lovely life that you will have with this child. In 5 years you won't even know him.

OP none of this mess he is in is your fault.

If he thinks he won't get another woman because he's got a baby, that's actually a good way to get rid of him!! Tell him he doesn't have to see the baby.

If you stay there and have that baby he will make your life a fucking misery. He can very well make it so you cannot leave. I know you like the idea of this maternity pay and insurance, but you need to think long-term here. Leave him and come home and have your baby, which you want. Time's not on your side.

If you were my daughter, I'd go over there, pack your bags and take you home with me.

Money doesn't matter. You need to get away from this abusive shithead.

'In your shoes I would have a termination and get a certificate to prove it. I would then choose a lovely sperm donor with a brain and a spine, get upduffed with a baby of different DNA from your bell end of a recently ex and be happy for ever after with that decision and my lovely baby. ' WTAF? She doesn't want a termination. You can't just order up sperm donors with good personalities like selecting a drink from a vending machine.

I would agree with the posters who say pack your bags and get on a flight home. ignore this useless, unpleasant man: he is irrelevant. (He might shout and bawl a bit, but he probably won't pursue you once you are out of the country - he'll be too busy trying to impress his next girlfriend with what a tragic victim he is).

THe main thing to think of is that the 'lovely' man you fell for doesn't exist. The reality is a shithead, a loser, who is capable of wearing a fake face in order to get what he wants.

I think you really do have a clear vision and know what you need to do underpressure. Just keep your sympathy for the baby, not him! Only -he- can make himself a better man.

Wishing you the best, whichever way you choose. The Freedom Programme is supposed to be excellent for helping avoid problems in future, and you can do it online. Hope you find a good man in the future.

I have no personal experience of this myself, but a friend of mine was told by her BF at the time that it was the baby or him. She chose the baby and never looked back. This guy sounds emotionally abusive, controlling and totally selfish! TBH I am amazed that you still have any feelings for him after he has behaved violently and been sleeping with someone else (but then love has no reason I guess). It sounds to me like he is the ONLY thing stopping you from keeping this baby - so tell him you're keeping it and he can F off - he shouldn't be let anywhere near a child after this kind of behaviour IMO. Any lawyer would not give his case a second glance - especially if you're not asking him for anything. If you were married, if he hadn't been sleeping around, if he had been paying money for the child's upkeep them maybe he would stand a chance, but it sounds like none of this is the case so he would be laughed out of the solicitors office. Good luck to you. It's totally your call here, but worth asking yourself - is he worth sacrificing the life of your child over?

You sound really clear op that you want this baby. That's it decision made. I think that to have a termination you have to have no doubts that it is what you want.

As for dickhead. Tough. I think he is panicking because you are not doing what he wants and the truth about him is going to come out.

Get yourself sorted. For what its worth I live in Germany too and am expecting my second. You can totally do this. Speak to your frauenarzt and hebamme (if you have chosen one) and tell them everything they will know where to get help and support.

As hard as it is you need to stop thinking about this guy. He dumped you for OW and is abusing you. You are no longer in a relationship. What happens to him is not your problem. If he carries on...Polizei.

I too am absolutely pro choice and your choice is to have your baby. He is a nasty manipulative piece of work and his girlfriend needs to know about the baby too though probably not from you! I think you need to get as far away as possible as soon as possible.

And again look into the legalities of your situation so that you can defend your baby and yourself all the better. I still think at least having the baby in the UK and registering your child there would make it that bit more difficult for him to pursue you through the courts, even if you return to Germany afterwards.

Remember you can work on into the last few weeks of your pregnancy then come back to the UK overland to give birth .

I agree that you need legal advice about the implications of giving birth in Germany vs the UK

You need to make sure that if you have the baby there that you won't be forced to stay in Germany if he decides to be involved. Will you need his permission to be able to take the child out of the country? Would you mind being stuck there until the child's an adult if it came to it?

OP I really feel for you, what a dreadful man to put you through all that whilst you are pregnant with his child, he has no regard for you or the baby, only himself.
I was 11 weeks pregnant only a few weeks ago and facing a similar agonising decision due to an emotionally abusive ex. I'm 38 and worried that wouldn't get another chance too, but I am now not pregnant. I have to hope that I do I get another chance, and despite the emptiness and pain that I feel, I'm glad that baby won't be born into abuse, and absolute relief I won't have to deal with him for all the time, it would have been a life sentence.
Every situation is different though, I had DD to think about too, and I couldn't leave because of her.
If i were you I would leave the country in a heartbeat, be with family for support and protect myself and the baby, no health insurance or money can make up for that peace of mind that you will be away from him and with your baby.

If you give birth there, there is a chance he ever won't allow the child to leave, maybe even not for a holiday. The Court will decree that Germany is the child's natural home. You will be living in Germany whether you like it or not. Get legal advice ASAP.