I'm sure the advice would be not to do it

[surbiton1961]

I am in a relationship that isn't going brilliantly well right now, but I'm on the verge of making a decision about moving in with the man I've been in a close committed partnership with for almost a year. I know the common sense thing would be to absolutely not to do it, but I am not happy about where I am living and my boyfriend has a beautiful apartment that he needs financial help with, so me paying half the rent would help him out of a difficult situation and save me from finding my own place that would cost much more.
The reason the relationship is not going well is that I have discovered the extent of his money woes and it has changed the dynamic - not that he is not unkind or abusive in anyway, but rather instead of the equally solvent, successful man I thought he was it has become clear that is not the case at all. The moving in would work if I was only going to have to pay half the rent - that way, instead of paying all mine and half of his as I have been for the past few months, I'd sort of be quids in by only having to pay half on one apartment. On the other hand, if I do have to pay all of his and every other expense too, I am already feeling resentful. He's been supportive to me in my longish episide of depression lasting the past six months or so, so I'm questioning why I cant be equally generous with my money since it will help him out. But at our stage of life - we are in our 50s - I think that high earning potential is unlikely for him and so I am setting myself up for paying for him indefinitely. I wish it didn't boil down to money, but with all the other feelings swirling around, this is the one that comes to the surface most often. I don't want to be kept by him: I just wish he didn't need to be so supported by me.
I still rent my own place, but because of my depression, I have a real phobia about returning to it, so I have effectively been living with him for 5 months, just not moved anything in yet.

I really dont think you should move in. For me the things that stand out are that your depression is not getting better and I think he is definitely part of that.

The other thing is your own doubts, which I think is your gut instinct screaming at you not to do it.

Something always turns up for him? I wonder how often that has involved other women people bailing him out.

Every pro that you list is supremely counterbalanced by a con. Creating an impasse. You seem to be hinting at a need for someone to look after you as you aren't doing such a good job of it yourself. This is a bit scary because in truth I don't think this relationship is of the nurturing kind. It may well be very convenient if it works or it may collapse within weeks of burning your bridges. Either way it isn't going to heal you or help physically care for you.

I totally get that living by the sea is a giant calmer. Who wouldn't love that and depression totally responds to ocean's pulse. But in these circumstances? I don't know.

Is there any way at all that you could expand your choices. You mentioned moving back to the UK. Could you live on the coast here? Are you a Brit? This would entail ending it with him, of course' and I don't know how you feel about that. But Love is a long way off at this point, I think. Independence, no matter how depressed, should never be underestimated.

When I was on ADs love was not in my emotional spectrum, libido was null and void, hope was an abstract painting for someone else to treasure. I got the fog and nausea. That was the drug's numbing effect. Are you on Ad's?

I'm worried that you're tying yourself into a situation that will collapse and you'll have no way out. That it will have been difficult enough to get into it and all but impossible to get out. And your finances will be a whole lot worse off because i really don't see this idyllic financial miracle happening. You'll be asked for more and more and you'll both end up in deep shit then. I think this "it'll be ok if I pay all the rent" is a daydream because it relies on everything being safe. I don't think this situation is safe for you.

OTOH when I was on ADs, they helped me without all those effects tipsy had. In fact, before I was on them, I felt as she described - in my case they were symptoms of the depression itself.

Usually, side effects such as described above mean the particular AD does not suit the physiology of the person taking them, and another AD may be better.

Re your dilemma: I made it a rule not to decide anything while depressed, as I was not capable of sufficient judgement. I realise that decisions sometimes have to be made, nevertheless. But in your situation I don't think moving in with this bloke is a good thing to do, certainly not at the moment.

When you move in, will you get a new tenancy agreement with both your names on it ? If not, you will have no right to live there, no security and he can kick you out at any time . Also you will be liable for any arrears on rent or utilities .

If you are going to be paying all the bills anyway, why don't you get the tenancy transferred to your sole name ? Then you will be in control of where your money is going .

BTW regarding your ex, you do realise that it's normal not to bank on the money until it's in the bank, don't you ?

And that's it's feckless to have a good income but no pension or savings in your 50s ?

Why is he getting an apartment worth $4K a month for $2K - when he can be bothered to pay it?
How long is that going to last? Landlord is already deciding not to put up with his lack of payment.
You could end up with being given notice pretty soon anyway when the landlord wants full potential income - that's a hell of a discount to be getting

You cite money worries, yet you have said you know you'll have to pay all the rent sometimes.

Do you have the right to work in the US? If you don't, that's your decision made - come back to the UK.

Nothing about your situation sounds or feels good to me. I really do think if you move in with this guy you're going to end up flat broke abs feeling trapped. From what you've said I'm also doubting the integrity of this man.

I think I really have to do it. He is so kind and supportive - not lying about how he needs me financially and just as upset that he can't pay for everything. Not that I need that. There is enough work coming in the next month to pay for the next few months rent I think - his half anyway. I can't stay in my current place - I really find it too depressing and the timeframes for finding another one right now don't work. I just don't have the energy or mental capacity to do it. I will go ahead - thinking making a decision is better than vacillating constantly between the two options and if in a few months this doesn't work, then hopefully I mght be clearer about what the next move should be.

All the best (I genuinely mean that, not being PA)

Keep your options open, you can always change your direction at any point, just enjoy the sea view

Imho the fact that you aren't heeding the warning signs nor advice is symptomatic of your mental health issues. Please seek some rl support beyond this man , you are very vulnerable to possible exploitation.