Is it actually me?

[LithuanianDogfi5h]

I've been wondering if I should post for a while now, but after another incident this morning, I've bitten the bullet.

For background - married 5 years, 1 child age 15months. I pretty much feel like I hate my husband there are a few reasons, just around the time I got pregnant with dd we bought out first house together, long story short, I found out from the mortgage application summary that he has a child with someone else and is paying maintenance via an attachment of earnings order. I've tried to talk to him about this as obviously my dd has a brother and I don't want her to grow up with family secrets... Every time I bring the subject of this up he shuts me down, I'm not even allowed to mention anything to do with why he didn't tell me, or anything about the boy. He just will not enter into discussion at all. All he will say is he 'is not the child's father, because he doesn't want the child'

He insists on getting up in the night and won't allow me to go to our dd. He says this is because when I do I just shout FYI I'm not a shouty person, I concede in the early days of dd I may have spoken sharply to him the next day after being up all night with her (reflux, cmpa), especially if he expecting me to wait on him hand and foot as he played PlayStation...

Anyway, he works during the week and I was made redundant just before maternity leave so I'm still at home (I am looking for work but there is a huge downturn in my industry just now, it's not easy!) Also I have no income but I do have savings and I use my savings to pay half the bills and buy all the food. So every weekend he wants to spend time with dd, I barely get a look in, but ok I scrub the house, washing, ironing etc, prepare breakfast and lunch for him during the week make nice meals for us all...I know he wants to spend time with her. But all he does is moan about how he does all the childcare when he's at home. He makes out that I'm lazy and can't be bothered looking after dd As he gets up during the night, maybe once or twice, he is tired in the morning, so he just doesn't leave for work until 8:30 it's and hour commute and he's supposed to start at 8, he thinks this is perfectly acceptable (he also comes home and tells me what to programmes he managed to sneak watching and what computer games he played at work...) I'm sure his colleagues must think I'm awful, he really does make out I'm a horrendous lazy bitch. He hates me trying to take over if my dd has been upset for some time (he doesn't seem to get she is 15m and shoving a bottle in her mouth is not what she needs) the incident this morning was he went to the loo and left her crying in her room, so I went through, changed her nappy, put clean clothes on, as I was doing this he came back through, tried to grab her off the floor, I pushed his arm away (wrong I know) just gentle because I was in the middle of dressing her, he then grabbed my arm, pushed me back into the radiator and punched me in the side of the head, yelling don't you dare hit me. I'm so confused.

He is a 'Daddy Martyr' in my opinion but he is convinced all the problems are down to me and that I am lazy and don't parent / look after myself / / the house properly. The thing is I'm not sure if it is me or not. The thing is I'm not really sure what a normal relationship is like, maybe this is it? I hate him when he does things like this, but I had a dysfunctional upbringing and I don't want my dd to be from a broken home. So, anyway I'm sorry for the long, indulgent post, but is it me, do I sound lazy and entitled, perfectly willing to be told it is me! Just feel like I've lost all perspective and I don't have a clue about anything anymore thanks if you managed to get to the end of my navel gazing rant

I told him I could go to the police to show him what he's done to me, because he just laughed when I fell down, he didn't seem to think it was a big deal and that I deserved it because I pushed his arm away from grabbing dd.

I see now that was a stupid thing to do, I just wanted him to understand that he'd properly hurt me. I don't know, it was a stupid thing to do.

Dilys4trevor that's exactly it. It's so confusing, why do they do it?

I don't think the police would agree with him!
Contact woman's aid and the police and see what they say.
I would say you pushing his arm away to protect your dd would not have needed a punch as self defence.
He sounds awful and of course he won't agree with you that you could call the police!! He knows he's a violent abuser!

It's also a way of of reinforcing that you wouldn't be remotely able to manage on your own. "Look how much I do with DD, look how much I HAVE to do cos you're shouty/irrational/impatient/a shit mother".

Of course you sound like you're managing quite well!

This won't stop. Why would it? It makes him think he's important. Much more important than you anyway! You're so unimportant that he can clatter you with impunity.

The older DD gets, the more you'll be sidelined. And I suspect the more he'll clatter you.

Call the police on 101 and ask for the DV unit.
Report this assault.
He's a nasty abusive asshole and you need to get away from him ASAP.
If you let this lie he will just escalate.
You can already see it's escalating.
Probably started to get a bit worse whilst pregnant and then really ramped up after you had the baby.
It's typical of abusers and you absolutely do NOT put with it any more.
It's an awful environment and lesson for you DD and you must leave.
Sooner rather than later.
Womens Aid can help you with that.
You need a safe exit plan.
The money situation is bad as well.
So he is physically, emotionally, financially abusing you with gaslighting and no doubt stonewalling involved.
Get away.

I think mine did it to justify his shit behaviour (he was having affairs). Look how awful she is! I end up doing everything! No wonder I stray! He was very controlling (although at the time he had me convinced I was the bully and bossed him around).

He was also mentally ill, or it looks likely he was. When I finally got rid of him and his life imploded as a result of his drinking, poor work performance, inappropriate liaisons at work etc he killed himself. I dare say I was to blame for that too.

I hope you manage to get away from this man x

Also please remember that he did not have a seconds hesitation about punching your DDs Mum in front of her. She's 15 months not 5 months. I have a 16 month old - they watch everything. And learn. She's already seen her Mum punched. That's horrendous.

He punched you because you had the audacity to defy him and didn't just step meekly aside. That's literally all the excuse he needed to punch you, and do it in front of her. He is teaching you that this is what will happen when you say boo to him. And nobody will believe you cos he'll just exaggerate and throw you under the bus.

Luckily the police see a lot of guys like him.

Please don't take this the wrong way (it's not meant to be rude, I'm trying to give a bit of perspective) but it sounds as though you come from an exceptionally dysfunctional and, to be honest, downright strange family and this has had a major effect on how you view your situation now. Your mum saying that your H has a "right to a private life"? Absolutely wrong, just don't even entertain that thought for a second. He has a right to his own time with friends and family sometimes, or to enjoy some "me-time". He does not have the right to hide the existence of another child from you.

In many ways, him hiding the little boy from you isn't the worst part. It's his refusal to acknowledge him at all (what kind of man abandons his own child and denies his existence?) and the fact that he isn't at all apologetic or interested in solving the damage it's caused your relationship. He doesn't even respect you enough to give you an explanation.

The physical violence is really where I think you need to absolutely draw the line. Even without all his other despicable behaviour and gaslighting, physical violence alone is enough to warrant the end of the relationship, no questions asked. If I've understood correctly, you were in the middle of something with DD when he tried to take her so you pushed his arm away. That is not violence. He punched you in the side of the head. Completely unacceptable and in no way provoked by your actions. That he would laugh about it afterwards is appalling. He sounds like a complete headcase.

Please do not let anybody convince you that coming from a broken home is the end of the world. Yes, it's not ideal, but in your situation it's absolutely the (much, much) lesser of two evils. I know plenty of very happy, very fulfilled adults who came from broken homes. I don't know anybody who came from a violent, abusive home who doesn't have the issues to prove it.

Go - just go. No-one should put up with this and no child should have to witness it.

He's done quite the number on you hasn't he?

Your daughter is going to grow up thinking this shit is normal... After the first time they hit you it gets easier for them to do it.

My family of origin are highly dysfunctional, I left home when I was 17, came to the UK, put myself through uni and have limited contact with them, however I do always give them the benefit of the doubt as deep down I just want a nice, happy family. Maybe that does still affect me.

I don't mean to be one of those OP's who don't take any of the advice given, and I am, honestly taking it on board, but I've gone from thinking I am nasty, ugly, lazy, unreasonable, awful mother and wife to thinking, wait maybe it's him. It's a lot to get my head around, but I am taking everything on board.

A 15 month old also would adapt very very quickly to a change in circumstance. It's actually a good age to leave. When they get older it's much harder.

And you have savings for age deposit.

Since he is not self employed, child maintenance can be claimed through his work and taken off at that point. So no chance for him to refuse to pay it.

I know you're not remotely at that stage yet but file those ideas away in the back of your head.

You could also ask the police about Clare's law which will tell you if he has previous history of domestic abuse.

I agree with the poster who said he may not see his son because of his abusive behaviour.

So you managed to get away from your family before.
You took steps to make yourself a good life away from them.
You are strong!
It is HIM! Absolutely HIM!
You got away before so get away now!
It's no surprise you chose him after your upbringing.
You will inflicting that on to your DC if you stay.
So now you know. We've all confirmed it.
Certainly no-one on here is going to say anything other than leave.
Once they hit you get away and you do it fast!

WA - safe exit plan.
Police - Report the assault.
CAB - find out what you are entitled to. I fear it might not be much if you have a lot of savings.
Local council - find out about housing.
CAB - find out how much you should get from your 'D'H in maintenance
Then get the hell away from this vile excuse of a human being.
Do NOT discuss any of this with him. Nothing at all. Wait until you have your plan in place and then get away without his knowledge.

CAB - find out how much you should get from your 'D'H in maintenance
Not CAB! CSA (child support agency)

I just wanted him to understand that he'd properly hurt me

He's an adult, is there any reason he wouldn't already know that punching someone hurts and is illegal? He already understands, he just doesn't care.

Thinking about it I think you really should speak to the police. There may be a very good reason why he doesn't see his son and it may not be his choice. You need to find out if he's a danger to your child even.

I think the reason he refuses to speak about his other child is that he is banned from seeing him.

He's an abuser OP. He has no business telling you you're not 'allowed' do this or that.

As for punching you in the side of head, that's assault. Press charges.

If he has no contact with his son or son's mother, and refuses to talk about it, I would strongly suspect that that relationship also broke up due to his violence and behaviour.

When you report his assault of you to the police, you should also ask them to check his history of domestic violence under Clare's law.

Ok, dd is down for a nap now, she'll sleep for around 3 hours.

I'm going to have a chat to police and Women's Aid.

I don't know why I'm so shocked and upset, it's really silly.

To pp's we own our house and I've just checked, I don't think I would be entitled to any benefits or anything. I have too much savings (I was previously a high earner and having grown up in a 'poor' country, I'm a bit of a saver). But I'm lucky to have savings I know that, so I could in theory afford to support me and dd alone.

I don't know why I'm so shocked and upset, it's really silly.
It is NOT silly.
And of course you are shocked and upset.
The man you agreed to share your life with has turned out to be an abusive dick of the highest order.
You didn't mean for this to happen. You didn't plan it.
You didn't do anything wrong and it's confusing as hell.

I hope the police and WA can point you in the right direction.
If you do have some savings then I'd be looking for rentals. Or if you can afford it maybe to buy something of your own.
As a PP said, when speaking with the police do ask about Claires Law.

It might be the validation you need. It might now but you need to check.

*The comments about you being lazy/not looking after yourself/not keeping the house tidy
*The control he uses over you with regards to your daughter
*The way he makes you think this is all you
*The fact that he didn't tell you about the son (he most likely isn't actually allowed access to, because he probably violent to his mother too)
*The fact that he spend all his time with his daughter only to accuse you of being lazy

...

That's what an abuser does. His nasty hateful comments have now escalated to violence. I know that you don't want to your daughter to be from a broken home, but now his violence has escalated, it will only get worse.

Look up gaslighting.

You have to make a choice as to whether you will take more violence, or change your views on your daughters upbringing.

Stay Safe.

It's the first time he's hit me, does that change anything It's already changed everything, sweetheart!

LithuanianDogfi5h please be careful what you disclose to him (re the police). You are more vulnerable than ever now, and if he thinks you are likely to report him, he could escalate.

Oh & I would definitely call the police now, because he might just do it first to get "his version" in.

Also, please be aware that children witnessing dv is now a safeguarding issue. If you fail to protect your daughter from this, there will be ramifications. I am not trying to scare you, but you do need to act, fast.

Well done OP. This will be the best thing you can ever do for your DD.