Counselling - I've started, but think I'm stuck - [Trigger warning added by MNHQ]

[pinktransit]

I've very recently started some counselling, which started as an issue with bereavement, but has moved on somewhat. I really have a problem with identifying and expressing emotions, which we believe is down to a physically and emotionally abusive marriage many years ago. This led to me shutting down any negative emotions, which has now been going on for so long that I no longer know how to deal with these emotions at all.
So far so good :-)
However, my counseller wants me to identify 2/3 times during the marriage when the violence led to me freezing, or shutting down emotionally. In theory, this is fine, and it's something that will help. However - I have successfully blocked it all out, and I genuinely can't remember specifics. I can't remember the first time he hit me, or any time really. I remember having to wear long sleeved tshirts because of bruises, but not how the bruises got there. I remember that punches to the kidney area was a favourite of his, as this would frequently trigger a kidney infection - so plenty of pain without any external evidence. But I can't identify any one time or incident, or what started that particular situation.
How can I begin to remember something I've blocked out for decades? I really get the theory behind it - we will go through the specific memory and update it rather than me being stuck at that point. But I don't know how to.

I've got a week until my next appointment, so I'm not feeling any huge pressure to remember right now. Any ideas of how i can get started? How do you uncover a blocked memory?

Sorry if relationships isn't the right place for this - if there's anywhere better, I'm happy to ask for it to be moved.
Thanks
Pink

Hi Pink

Counsellors as such are not meant to diagnose they are not clinicians, maybe he's thinking along the lines of some sort of PTSD symptoms. But diagnosis or labelling won't really make any difference to your issues, as

A you lived with an abuser
B you did whatever you had to do to survive
C your mind employed certain techniques to achieve this
D it's still doing that
E it won't be rushed or lulled in to a false sense of security to lower its guard prematurely

It mentions on the site that it's fee paying?

I don't feel too comfortable pulling the therapist apart as obviously I'm getting one side, and it would be unprofessional of me. Just don't do anything your not happy or easy with, and maybe ask him a lot of questions.

His core training etc

Hi Pink

Complicated grief you can google it, he might be trying to re boot the grieving process, but also you might have done all you need to do.

If you have had a lot of trauma early on in life. Who's to say you haven't grown more adept at dealing with it. Not all of us need to scream from the roof tops, and grief is subjective it's different for everyone.

Unless you genuinely feel you've not got through it fair enough, if it's because you feel bad because your doing ok sooner rather than later, there's nothing to be ashamed of lovely, it's a good thing.

You sound like you've got your critical eye still open which is good I think.

Counselling is one of the few areas where we get to be completely self interested, and the best judgement is about how it works for you. Not about expecting an instant fix, but definitely some sense of progress and development within maybe 4-5 sessions? Which is a bit tricky if the nhs only give 6 sessions of course.

The quick naming thing doesn't sit well with me either - Definitely someone to watch and be prepared to change counsellors if you need to.

I wrote another post but didn't post it to the thread as I got a bit way laid by the whole elbow debacle. I'll post it now if I can find it... Some feels already answered by where you are at the moment, which sounds like you're in a good place to do some delving into the past. Having lost your partner fairly recently may be a vulnerable spot though, and it may be good to keep checking in with yourself and not being too surprised if stuff gets raised by the counselling, even if that's not the focus.

I'd ask the counsellor what coping strategies he would help you with in order to give you the skills to cope with the potentially upsetting memories. And how he'd suggest you can close down any flooding of traumatic stuff you uncover, or trigger grief...

And how these things can be done online, vs face to face?

His response might help you decide if he's got a proper handle on things...

It's free where I am, but not in all locations.
A - D is absolutely right.
E - I need to change it. I don't care about the label, I care about knowing how to change the pattern.

I know you're only getting my side, but it's been really helpful. I will be more careful than I would have been before posting, so thank you for that.

I can't ask about his training - one of the problems I have is that asking anyone anything is akin to poking a sleeping dragon (in my mind - I do rationally know that he's not going to rise up with spread wings and breathe fire at me, or punish me), but I will be careful. Thank you :)

Here's my earlier unposted post:

A few months ago, with the good counsellor I have now, some of the memories opened up and I started to write stuff down before it went again, and as I was typing I had some very unsettling de ja vu. It suddenly dawned on me, to my horror that I'd been through this before.

In a slightly 6th sense/ other spooky film awfulness way (the movie, not an actual 6th sense, I'm not adding random woo to your thread :) ), I realized that I had literally been through this before. I'd realized something was up with the forgotten bits of my experiences, and identified it as the thing that was 'weird' about me, and I went to counselling to try and fix the damage. Not just the inept counselor of my last thread, but also a year or so later, another counsellor who did no harm, but also no help either. I had blocked all of this out too. The whole ruddy thing.

I tell you what, nothing so dispiriting as having what you believe is a mental epiphany, after having raised some awful painful memories and thoughts, and having that moment of insight and clarity .., then working out you've had it before, exactly the same, and it just trickled out of your brain like water through a sponge.

Damnit!

So, I guess I'm saying, brains are tricksy things, with a mind of their own - literally speaking! And it's worth having in your mind a sense of whether this process or counsellor feels right or safe for you, as even if you may think 'the end justifies the means', annoyingly, brains can be very resistant to change unless it's done exactly right.

I think this happened to me because I wasn't in the right place to get to the bottom of it the first 2 (few?) times, although I really wanted to, I was too young, not quite distant enough from the trauma and not articulate / aware enough to explain it to counsellors. That combined with a counsellor who created more trauma through blundering in, and another who either was rather ineffectual or maybe just not a good fit for me, well, it all adds up to my mind just carrying on what it does best... And I guess removing any trail of bread crumbs that would lead to the bad stuff too.

I hope my counsellor is good enough, and her and me work well enough together to stop this time being sucked under again. I think so, and the fact that I can even tell you what happened and that there were last times is a massive step forwards... Though that wasn't my goal, not having remembered that going into the counselling

Sorry for your loss Pinky

I decided to take a few days to really think about what I want from this counselling, and after your thoughts and comments whether this is the right way to go about it.
It was really hard thinking back to my marriage, but what I realised is that although I did want to base the counselling on dealing with what had happened in the past that the whole thing was so illogical that there is no logical response to it. So, normally action A will result in consequence B - in my marriage action A could result in consequence B, C, D, or maybe Z. Or nothing. So I'm beginning to understand why my reactions don't make sense - because they're based on an illogical situation.

I hadn't booked my next session with the counsellor as he hadn't had his diary to hand at the end of our last session - he was supposed to contact me midweek to arrange. I sent my email on Wednesday, and was waiting for his response before letting him know that I wanted to change to focus of our session from looking at the past to perhaps finding new ways to respond to emotions.

I felt that I could do this without changing the goals that I'd set, it was just a different route to the same goals (which were to be able to identify negative emotions, to be able to express them without fear, and to believe that my feelings are valid and that they do matter. That I matter.)

I waited for him to contact me - nothing midweek, nothing towards the end of the week. Finally, just after 5pm on Saturday he sent a message (bearing in mind that all of our previous sessions have been at around 4.30 on a Sunday so I was expecting a similar time).
His message:

"Hi pink, thanks for sending this, i can imagine it was not easy to have to remember all of this so i massively appreciate it.
unfortunately this week i wont be able to see you as something has come up for me, would we be able to pick up next week sunday ?

Once again sorry about not being able to see you this week.

Regards,"

I'm really quite pissed off. I feel that I'm being dismissed, that (yet again) I'm at the bottom of someone's priority list, and that this validates my 'I don't matter' feelings.

I haven't yet answered. I think that I would like to change counsellor, as we haven't clicked over the last sessions, and he's very focussed on a diagnostic label rather than the issues. I've read back over our conversations, and I have told him on more than one occasion that it was never the violence that was the issue, it was the emotional abuse that was far harder to deal with - and yet he keeps focussing on the violence. I don't feel listened to, is this enough of a reason to ask to change?

Anyway, I'm rambling a bit now - but this whole thread has been brilliant at making me think about what I want, what my issues are, and whether I'm going about changing things in the right way, so thank you very much :)

Hi pink

Well done on gaining some insight in to how you feel, also any or not progress with your counsellor etc

The thing is with myself I'm much better dealing face to face or on the phone, with reading your post my mind skips around with theory possible reasons for your issues reactions etc. Asking questions and exploring answers In depth is my thing, by nature I'm existential so will at times go off at a tangent, but somehow still come back to the original topic.

It's good going in to therapy with goals, but I wonder if yours have been very rigid, I get a sense that your therapist has held on to this, thus your worrying away at memory's that are too painful for you right now.

You said you don't think your really connecting to deeper feelings, that you think you should feel?
Well your pissed right now and perceive yourself at the bottom of the pile as usual. That's a huge feeling
That's I don't matter to him or to a lot of others, I presume that's a got long history to it, so you have been triggered.

This is a good thing it's huge, you have an opportunity to really explore and let rip, on the flip side he genuinely can't see you, he isn't your friend enemy or family, darling he just can't see you, he gave you an option, take it or leave it.

But the fact is you have an option, you didn't have this before you felt you couldn't say no and walkaway
But now you can, do you see how this works? I'm not happy ergo I'm going somewhere else.

How dare he leave you on that fucking balcony naked and with these raw new feelings, but the doors not shut in your face cause you now have the key. You have options, you don't have to give him any excuse or reason other than well whatever you want, how freeing is that then.

So two steps forward, one step back?
I can say here that I'm pissed off, but I don't know how to tell the counsellor that.

It's one of the main things that I want to change - I want to be able to say to someone that they've upset me/pissed me off/made me cross. I just can't do it. I cannot imagine myself typing/writing/saying those words to someone. Even though he has left me standing half naked on a balcony. I'm justified in being upset about that (I think - aren't I?), but I can't say it.

I could say that I'm not happy with the way things are going perhaps, but that's not facing the way that I feel.

Will go away and think some more. i DO have options, this is an opportunity to safely say it to someone who is not a friend, enemy, can't see me, isn't family, so there will be no repercussions.

Maybe I'll even be brave enough to do it.

Hi Pink

Your counsellor will know that this is transference it's all part of the process, he will know it's not about him, he should/will be expecting you to say it as it is.

You could start your sentence as, when you said you couldn't fit me in for my usual time,'it made me feel low on your priorities, and it made me think that maybe that's how I have felt for many years.

Discuss, so your not having a go at him if that's your worry,'but rather articulating that yes I was hurt, but I linked that back to, give possible example, others who have made me feel the same.

The core conditions for counsellors at all times are , empathy congruent none judgemental to name a few, he can't take it personally because he's the unbiased person in the room.

He knows your not really judging him as such, but rather you've been triggered by a deeper unconscious memory of someone he reminds you of.

Don't forget you have said it too me Pink, you have forgotten that loads of people will be reading this, but only him and you will know what goes on during the sessions.

If after all of this your still not comfortable with him, discussing that with him is a good thing this isn't his first rodeo, well I hope not.

This is all grist for the mill as we say, you might find that the minute you give yourself permission to be your true authentic self, the words will start to tumble out. We so rarely get to be who were meant to be, it's really strange when we find out we're somebody different.

I like that 'give yourself permission' bit. That really resonates, so will think more on it.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment, and give your thoughts - it really has been so helpful.
I've been tying myself in knots for so long over this, that being able to write it out and put thoughts into words has been hard work but really useful.

Your welcome lovely,

I think you've opened up a crack in the damn now, it starts with a small trickle, you may find you'll be jumping all over the place with bits and pieces.

Nows the time to make notes, not necessarily huge paragraphs but single words or lines of thought.
It can help to make a time line of thoughts and events for yourself.

My fave quote is by Eleanor Roosevelt "no one can make you feel inadequate without your permission"

You've always had power lovely, just sometimes like all of us we give it to others to use against us.

Hi Pink

Just checking in to see how you are lovely

And I'm shamelessly copying Guilty, hope you're doing well.

I was trying to think of a clever yet topical joke involving a whole shame and guilt pun thing... But it's late, I'm tired, and I have nothing

< insert witty yet wise whimsy here>
And I'll get on with the emoticons

I'm doing ok....

I still need to respond to my counsellor to set up another session for Sunday - that's on my to-do list for today. I am trying to find the words to say that while I accept that sometimes things will come up that means appointments are postponed, and I do understand that, I do feel.... I feel.... um....

And there it is again - I've run out of words, and can't express that I'm pissed off and feel unprioritised.

But I will do it - it's not personal and he won't take it personally, and there won't be any negative repercussions. (If I say that often enough, will I believe it?)

Thank you both for asking though, as always, much appreciated.
:)

Hey waves

It's hard telling the truth isn't it? It's all we really ask for from each other, just think of how many things wouldn't happen, feelings hurt relationships broken if we all told the truth.

I feel it's one of the hardest things to do, we even lie to ourselves,

How are you? I'm ok smile, when really were falling apart inside and desperate do help or a kind word,
You know what I'de ban and have in fact banned the words Fine and Ok from sessions.
Little words with huge hidden agendas and meanings, we hide behind them because it's easier to so we think.

I think it's harder to continue living the lie,

So ok you accept that things have to be cancelled that's great but you don't have to say that, it's like saying sorry why?

You could say that you have had a chance to reflect on things since your last contact, and come up with this.

The changing of time and session made me feel dismissed, because you realise others have done this?
You have realised that in your life you have felt you have come last in other peoples priorities
You give and others take? It's a thread that goes all the way through your/my life,
You hadn't realised just how a small action even from a relative stranger could make you feel this way, but make me/you question how I can understand and explore these new thoughts and feelings
In our next session?

He would love to know, hell I'de love to know Pink, this is a break through its like the yellow brick Rd
Follow it and see where it takes you.

"I think it's harder to continue living the lie"

And that is why I'm doing this :-)

In some ways it's much easier - of course I'm fine, everything is ok. (quietly and secretly falls apart behind the wall of words).

But realistically I AM ok. I get up, I go to work, I go out, I socialise, I (sometimes) do housework, everything functions on a superficial level, terefore it is ok. If you ignore the issue that it's only superficial. If I was an engine, I'd only be running on 2 cylinders, rather than the 4 or 6 (or even 8 perhaps!) that I could be running on.

Thank you for your suggestions of how to word my response - I will use some of that, and some of mine, and book a new session for the weekend.

And at some point, I will be running on all cylinders, a powerful, well tuned engine that's ready to take me anywhere there's a road to follow.

:)

Your right pink
We fill out lives so that were busy and plaster on a smile when needed, anything so that we are not left alone with our own thoughts.

We are out harshest critics, and that's before everyone else piles in

I'm starting to sound like a demented hallmark card now

Pinktransit
I am so sorry as what you have been through must have been horrendous.

I have not experienced what you have, but after reading a book (which was once very well known), The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron, and following its suggestion to just write - starting with the first thing that comes into your head, and carrying on in a free flow of thought without censoring anything for three pages - every day, I found I was coming up with all sorts of memories I had forgotten. A lot was to do with abuse of various kinds and most interesting of all quite a lot of self understanding and intuition came with it.

It just says 3 pages. I myself had a hard back exercise book about 30cm x 20cm and a Vector7 pen (refillable) which has a good fast flow and it took me about 1hr 20 a time. I have quite small writing. It needs to be hand-written because of the brain to hand connection.

Of course you could write less/more with a different sized book, but do the same three pages everyday as the brain then anticipates the rhythm and flow of it.

Truly, I think this would help a lot. You can do it early in the morning, at a cafe etc. try to do it everyday if possible. When you do it, try no to have an agenda. If what you write at first is about for example, flowers or something unrelated to your present question, just carry on with your flow of thought regardless.

Something from the subconscious level of the mind definitely gets released.

I'll have a look at that book, thank you for the suggestion :)

Well, I contacted my therapist, and said that I had felt unprioritised. He answered and said that he appreciated my honesty. We made another appointment, for this evening.
He's referred my notes to his supervisor, and they believe that I would do better with face to face therapy as there are multiple traumas in my past. So he's discharged me and will refer me back to my health authority for further counselling. I think he's right - online counselling can be great (it was brilliant for my dds anxiety about driving), but not necessarily for everything. It has however, pointed me in the right direction as to what my issues are and where they stem from, so that's a big step forward.

Thank you everyone who's commented on this thread, it's all been so helpful.

I'll try a journal in the meantime, as it could take quite some time to get an appointment I guess with a new therapist. And maybe build on that tiny step where I actually told the therapist that I wasn't happy, and the world didn't end.

Although if I'm being negative, I told him how I felt, and he said he couldn't work with me.....

It's been interesting looking back on a relationship that I knew was abusive, but I hadn't looked back on from a more 'adult' point of view than I had when I was in it. What sort of a relationship has punishments and consequences as 'normal'? And why didn't I see that as not what a relationship should be? How did it creep up on me, because it can't have been like that at first, or I'd never have been with him.... I'm amazed and horrified in equal measures at what my 20 year old self went through and dealt with. And survived :)

The face to face will be good.Pink and if the next person doesn't work keep trying.

Well done for standing up for yourself in that assertive way. Even though he said he could not work with you, he referred you on for better.

Even before you look at that book The AW, you can begin to try the writing, as that is the most important/relevant bit for your circumstances. It is through that writing that all the past begins to come out with links you would not have realised before..