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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Does anyone else find that they just don't like that many people?

20 replies

AShotInTheLight · 10/04/2016 00:53

I'm not sure if it's the town I live in or whether I'm a misery or whether most people feel like this and just pretend they don't or hide it better that I do.

I just find that I rarely come across many people that I like. As a result of this I don't 'do' groups of friends and just prefer to have individual friends. I've come across very few people that I like at my DCs school, although I have met a handful and consider these to be good friends. At work, I like a couple and then tolerate the rest. In my village there are just so many people that I don't like. I tolerate DH's friends' wives but don't like any of them.

I probably sound like a right cow and I'm never rude or nasty to/about people I don't like but I just find it so hard to find people that I actually like. I'd say I have around 10 people I would class as friends, all separately and not as a group. Everyone else I am just polite to but don't like.

Is this normal to feel like this? I can't say I am particularly bothered if people like me or not either. People don't seem to take to me particularly so the feeling is probably mutual if I don't like them anyway.

OP posts:

brightnearly · 10/04/2016 00:58

Is it that you don't feel like you can be friends with a lot of people, or do you actively dislike them?

I would think it's possible to like people, but not have enough in common to have a friendship?

Original poster

AShotInTheLight · 10/04/2016 01:00

Yes I think it's probably more that I don't feel like I can be friends with them. I don't actively dislike them as in making it obvious but I just tolerate them.

OP posts:

BastardGoDarkly · 10/04/2016 01:07

Yes, I feel the same. Well, I don't dislike them, I just know they're not for me, and don't want to spend time with most people I come across.

I've a handful of close friends, and feel like if they disappeared, I'd be friendless, as I just don't make new friends.

Original poster

AShotInTheLight · 10/04/2016 01:12

I'm glad I'm not alone in feeling that way!

I often feel like I can't be bothered with, for example, lots of the mums from the school, or people in various jobs I've had.

OP posts:

TippyTappyLappyToppy · 10/04/2016 01:14

Im a bit like this although I actually like almost everyone on a superficial level, just rarely find anyone that I really like. Consequently I have quite a few casual friends that I can go for coffee with in groups or whatever but I often find myself wondering why on earth I am there as I listen to them all witter on and realise I couldn't give a a stuff about the vast majority of the conversation and would not really miss them if I never saw them again.

What I lack are many close friends that I genuinely gel and bond with and have loads to talk about with.

Original poster

AShotInTheLight · 10/04/2016 01:22

Also this is going to sound horrible but I just can't be all arse licky to others as so many groups of friends seem to be. One of DH's friends' wives has a huge group of friends and they are all always telling each other on FB how much they love each other and how beautiful/wonderful they all are. Anyone who is like that makes me want to run for the hills....

OP posts:

Canyouforgiveher · 10/04/2016 01:24

ou reminded me of a little poem that was in my poetry book in primary school.

I wish I loved the human race
I wish I loved ts silly face
I wish I liked the way it walked
I wish I liked the way it talked
And when I'm introduced to one
I wish I though "what jolly fun"

I always thought this the antithesis of Forester's "only connect" :)

You are not alone - lots of people like you even in the 19th century.

I do think in some ways though, you have to chose to connect/become close friends. I have a lot of friends and frankly, like some of them more than others. but my closest friends (2 women) I love and I love them partly because they are fab- but they aren't perfect. in fact they have lots of faults. I really love them and am nurtured by our relationships because I chose to love them.

I guess what I am saying is with friends, no one is perfect. don't wait for perfect. but you can have amazing friendships if you are friends with people whose faults are those you can tolerate (this is also true of marriage by the way)

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 10/04/2016 01:25

AShotIn you are not alone, although (if you're as bad as me) you'd probably like to be

Don't like people, don't want to get to know them, don't give the slightest little shit about the playground politics that seem to cause so much grief. I'm always polite when absolutely necessary though.

I prefer animals.

Original poster

AShotInTheLight · 10/04/2016 01:26

I have quite a few I'd class as friends and I feel like I really gel with them and have no problem with their faults and they my faults.

It's all the other buggers that I don't like.

OP posts:

BastardGoDarkly · 10/04/2016 01:34

Yes, I am the fastest dropper off/picker up in the universe, school mums hold no interest for me, I actually find the times I've had to converse with them excruciating tbh, but I'm sure that's my problem, and some of them must be alright.

britmodgirl · 10/04/2016 08:00

I think to dislike is strong but to not click is normal. I think to remain open is important. You never know who you'll click with but if you dismiss people early on you'll never know.

A lot of my mum friends are like colleagues in the job of being a mum. I'm sure one or two may become true friends.

Also you can be friends at different levels. FB declaring love friendship isn't the only way. I have lots of people that I may meet for coffee once every 3 months ish - we have different interests/values/politics. They would drive me batty if I saw them daily but I enjoy catching up with them.

When I think about people I am friends with, they wouldn't have necessarily have been people that I chose as they are so different to me but somehow it works.

louisejxxx · 10/04/2016 08:03

I feel the other way around: that most people just don't like me.

ScoutandAtticus · 10/04/2016 08:27

I would say I am choosier about people now I'm my 40s than I was in my 20s. I have been a walkover in the past but I have learnt to spot crap behaviour. I am not talking about one-offs, none of is are perfect. But I mean sly digs and bitching. I have a few people in my life like that and I just keep them at arms length.

I have fewer friends but more acquaintances. Partly because my definition of friendship has changed and partly because I have gained more acquaintances from being a parent. I don't understand the whole "I can't stand the school gate mums mentality". It comes across as you thinking you are different and superior to them which is a bit odd when you are all there for the same reason. I am a SAHM at the moment. I sometimes drop and collect at the gate and sometimes have a quick natter about not alot. It never goes any further than that but that's fine. We all help each other out with pick ups etc when needed. Once my children leave primary I doubt I will see them again . I am sure they feel the same about me. Like someone else said, they are like colleagues.

sconebonjovi · 10/04/2016 08:27

I like a very small selection of people! I'm a bit jaded though, every friend I ever make seems to turn out to be much less nice than I originally thought. I'm pretty antisocial tbh

5Hearts · 10/04/2016 17:04

DH & I only joked, with a tinge of sadness, about this the other day. We were looking at our group wedding photo and I realised that since then about a third/half of them we don't like anywhere near as much as we did then (time has revealed a few issues...)!

I don't think there are that many people that I actively dislike but plenty I don't particularly want to get to know more. I am much quicker to pick up on warning signs now I am older and keep my distance. I do worry that DH and I are just becoming intolerant though.

Yseulte · 10/04/2016 17:17

Are DH's friends' wives 'arselicky' or are they just supportive of each other?

Maybe you're living in the wrong place? Perhaps you'd have a better chance of finding people you like in a big city? There are millions of people in London...

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 10/04/2016 17:23

If in doubt I tend not to like people. There is a group of people I love but generally speaking I dislike most people. It saves so much time! But then I'm not a particularly likeable person so it saves other people wasting time getting to know me!

On the plus side I am very loyal on the odd occasion that I take to someone!

SeaCabbage · 10/04/2016 17:46

I don't think it is unusual. In fact I think if you are good friends with five people from your DC's school then that is bloody good going.

Shame about your dh's friends' wives but they sound a pain to me too.

I think some people can gel with lots of types and some, like us, have fewer types we can relate to. I think that's fine.

TippyTappyLappyToppy · 10/04/2016 17:55

Are DH's friends' wives 'arselicky' or are they just supportive of each other?

It's perfectly possible to be supportive of your friends without being sycophantic, gushy and embarrassingly smug and cliquey on Facebook though.

Yseulte · 10/04/2016 18:18

Ime people who tend to see themselves as outsiders tend to view groups of friends as cliquey smug arselicky - when actually they're just friends. Everyone posts nice comments to their friends on FB.

This group of women may be awful or they may be OK just on a completely different wavelength to the OP.

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