DP wants to get married instead of seeing his DC

[LissaLoves]

DPs ex has form for regularly stopping contact. This time it's been a year since he saw them. They have two siblings here who very much love and miss them, as I do. DP doesn't talk about them. We have savings of just over £1000 which was supposed to be for our wedding but I think it should be used to take his ex back to court to have contact with his children. He thinks it's pointless because his ex is resistant to contact so the money will be spent and he'll still have it stopped. I feel like I can't marry a man who would give up on his children so easily but if I don't then effectively I could be sealing the same fate for my DC.

Is it pushy of me to say the money is better spent on court than a wedding?

He prefers life without the stress
Can you imagine if your father had disappeared from your life, and later you tracked him down and asked him why, and THAT was the reason?!
Pathetic.

You believe she'd allow contact but he's against trying to get it? I honestly wouldn't want to be with him. I know that's probably not what you want to hear. My own DD has a 'dad' who simply can't be arsed taking the steps he needs to take to see her. I can't imagine how his partner reconciles this with how his attitude might be towards any future children they may have. If a parent can't fight for their children, I can't imagine they care about anyone beyond themselves.

I agree Emma, but like I say - he tells everyone it's a choice he's made for the good of our DC and for the good of his DC so they aren't caught up I'm conflict

Bullshit.

Lissa I think you see right through his bullshit. If marrying him puts you and your children in a better position down the line then absolutely go for it from a practical point of view to protect yours and your children's interests but he really, really needs to figure out his priorities.

To be fair to the guy, he did apply for court ordered contact and it is the ex who is failing to comply. He was driving over to see them and being refused contact. It's not like he ran away from his children. He's given up the fight and, yes, we have our opinions about that, but he shouldn't have to fight.

Yes Hedda I agree she is a shit parent too for blocking access but he needs to keep up the fight. I just cannot understand a mentality where you give up on your children, children almost always end up emotionally damaged when that occurs as their self worth is diminished at least when he puts up a fight they can see that.

If he gets off his fat arse and goes back to court, even if he never gets to see his children, later they will know that he fought for contact. That could make all the difference in the world to them.

If he's not been able to see them, does he at least write to them, email, Facebook, via grandparents, anything?

He's not interested in those children. The hassle factor is too high for him although it really doesn't seem that high at all. This isn't the only money you all will every have to spend. This isn't now/never or either/or. It's just an excuse, which you've identified.

It doesn't make him seem desirable as a partner. Does he have any emotional connection to anyone?

Bitter I agree that he should, at the very least, have a paper trail to show he tried everything later on. He has let it go a year before until I could take it no longer and said it was making me want to leave him. I feel like I could push him again and he'd make more effort to sort it but is it the right thing to do, to push him into it?

I really can't see how the father is at fault here.

And I can see how for his sanity and to cause less harm to his children why he'd do this.

The mother is being emotionally abusive and there's not a lot he can do about it.

So he only tried again when you threatened to leave him?
It sounds like he 'fought' for all the wrong reasons and in actual fact, isn't bothered.
Are you sure that he travelled to see them?

I think you can't push someone to be a father. If he is disinterested in these children then I would expect him to do the same to yours should you split up.

'Not wanting the stress' equals 'can't be arsed' to a child.

I couldn't sleep at night if my child thought I couldn't give a shit about him. I would move heaven and earth to let him know how much he was loved and wanted by me.

So beach in the morning if your kids were taken away from you by their father and he refused to let you see them then it would be reasonable for you to just accept that. Most parents would move heaven and earth to see their children. This father seems to be only making an effort when the op pushes it.

Beachtrowel is spot on. As a mother whose X was constantly EA and incredibly aggressive and unreasonable I can say that sometimes it is the best thing you can do to "give up". Legal conflict only fuels the unreasonable parent's anger. It's a control thing, the mother can only get back at him where it hurts, ie through the kids.
While I was "fighting" my X for custody, he would make life unpleasant and very difficult for the DCs. The minute I backed down and gave him what he wanted, he's all sweetness and light.
Don't underestimate the effects of conflict on the kids. You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors when those kids are with their mother.
Your poor future H is probably at his wits' end and doesn't know what to do for the best. If it is a straightforward question of protecting his and his kids' interests by getting a court order for £95 then of course why not do it, but things are rarely that simple.
I wish you luck but please give the poor guy a break. His ex is UNreasonable. Which means she's not putting her DCs best interests firs. Sounds like your DP is.

I don't think any of us can know which camp this man falls into. I think until you've been in this situation, you don't actually know what you'd do. You think you know but it's not that simple. Especially if the other person is emotionally abusive. What looks like laziness or lack of courage can actually be a sign that someone's self worth has been so eroded that they actually come to believe the children are better off without them around.

Agree with Fourormore.
Before I met DP, I judged all men who didn't see their children very, very harshly. I still judge many men but I now also recognise and acknowledge the existence of total parental alienation by an angry and abusive parent. It is totally soul destroying and heart breaking.
And I want to scream at social workers who consistently fail to recognise what is happening.

Some RP's (male and female) can be extremely difficult with regards to contact, court-ordered or not. What can you do when they ignore court orders, don't answer the phone/door, ignore you in the street, etc?

Yes, you can keep going back to court and try and enforce the court order, but how do you force someone to be home at a certain time, or at a certain place for handovers, without getting the police or whatever involved?

Yes, some dad's are lazy fuckers, but applying to court is time-consuming, stressful and expensive, and it's really hard when the ex has a vendetta against you for whatever reason and just won't comply with anything a judge says.

OP, only you know which category your DP falls into.