Checking a Spanish National is Divorced

[VCHunt]

Hello,

I've been dating a guy for five months and, although on our first date he told me was divorced and has stuck to that story since, I am starting to get the feeling that might not be the case (rarely available at weekends, I've never been to his house, etc.)

At first, I accepted he just wanted to take things slowly and not introduce the kids etc, which I was fine with.

Coming up for six months in, I'm starting to feel it's a bit odd ...

I know a lot of people would say that if I don't trust him I shouldn't be with him, but on every other level this guy is fantastic and we have a great time together.

Obviously, I don't want to contact his 'ex', although he has told me enough about her that I know who she is and could get in touch via Linked In. I don't want to appear to be some crazy bunny boiler with no hard evidence and just a 'hunch'!

So, before I do anything too dramatic, I thought the best way to confirm or allay my suspicions would be to obtain a copy of his divorce certificate.

He and his ex are Spanish nationals. I know both their full names and the year of their marriage (though not the exact date). In the UK, you can do a ten-year search for £65 through the courts and a divorce will show up. But, I assume if they are both Spanish they will have been divorced through the Spanish courts.

Does anyone know about the Spanish system and how it works?

All advice greatly appreciated!

Thanks

[loveyoutothemoon]

Forget doing all that...if you don't trust him and you feel something isn't right it probably isn't. It does sound weird to me. Turn up at his house by surprise when you know he'll be in.

[AnyFucker]

If you feel compelled to do this, then there is clearly no future in your relationship

[tribpot]

I'm not sure that even if you found proof of divorce this would put your mind at rest - it sounds possible he and his ex-wife have got back together again post-divorce. I wonder if it might be more productive to push to see him at weekends/go to his house .. his reluctance sounds suspicious regardless of his relationship status with his ex.

[VCHunt]

Thanks for your advice ladies.

I think you are probably right tribpot - at the end of the day, it's his behaviour that's a bit odd, regardless of his official divorced or not status.

I suppose I just don't want it on my conscience that he's cheating on his wife - I've been at the receiving end of that behaviour and it's awful so I always vowed never to be the 'other woman' ...

It's just that it's so hard sometimes being a divorced single parent in your 40s (five years and counting for me) and when you meet someone you think is amazing and you have a fantastic connection with, the thought of having to let that go based just on a hunch is tough ...

[SomeKindOfGenius]

Do you actually know where he lives OP? Could you turn up there as loveyoutothemoon suggests?

[Minime85]

I think at five months not to have been to his house is maybe a warning of something.i think to go to lengths of finding out if he is through a paid search yourself says that it can't work as if you have doubts you need to be able to share these concerns with him. Otherwise it isn't a relationship based on trust. If he has lied that's one thing and his reasons for it if that's the case would need to be very good. Hope you get things sorted

[EarthboundMisfit]

Do you know his address?

[VCHunt]

No, I don't know his address. I know the town he lives in and that's all.

We live in different towns in different parts of the Home Counties, and both work in London so meet there.

I know it probably sounds odd, but it all initially seemed very plausible and practical and we had agreed not to get too involved in each others lives (introduce kids etc).

I'm not looking for someone to move in with or blend families or anything like that. And I'm happy just meet for nice grown up times in London once or twice a week - suits me perfectly. So, I'm fine with how things stand in many ways. I'm just uncomfortable with the thought he may still be married ...

[VCHunt]

I also posted this in the Divorce thread and someone there has suggested that if they were both ordinarily resident in the UK when they got divorced they may well have done it through the English courts in which case I could request a search.

Of course, as some have said, this doesn't really preclude the fact he may have subsequently got back together with his ex wife ...

I suppose when you meet someone online with no friends in common or anything, there's so much you just don't know about someone and have to take on trust.

And if you've been the subject of infidelity yourself, as I have, you know how painful it is and also the lies people will tell ...

I suppose it just seemed odd that he would tell me so much about himself and his ex and then lie about being married - it's a pretty huge risk he's taking that I would tell his wife ...

[EarthboundMisfit]

Are you linked on social media? Any clues there?

[Buzzardbird]

Just Google the name, get the address and then go and find a new bloke, as you clearly don't trust this one.

[VCHunt]

No, he's not on social media. His ex has a FB account but it's not public and I can hardly request her friendship - that would definitely be odd!

[VCHunt]

I did google him when we first met and he only comes up on linked in - he's definitely who he says he is in business terms - no addresses. Ive done the same myself, though, and suppressed all my old addresses too - it's not that strange to do that

[VCHunt]

Anyway, thanks for all the feedback. It's always good to get people's thoughts.

[pieceofpurplesky]

Is he perhaps Catholic and therefore separated and not divorced? I have a friend in a relationship with a Spanish man and he and the wife are still married but have separate lives ... Their church/family/society cannot accept divorce as standard

[EarthboundMisfit]

Hmm. It's a tough one. I can definitely understand your concerns and I think I'd feel the same.

[stumblymonkey]

Even if you found out the divorce is correct it doesn't mean he hasn't since started another new relationship.

TBH the whole thing feels highly suspect to me. I was in this situation once and ended it after three months because, irrespective of the truth about his relationship status, his inability to integrate me into his life in any way and unavailability at the weekend was a deal breaker for me.

I found out later that while he wasn't married he was seriously dating someone else at the time which explained his behaviour.

[sykadelic]

You do NOT have to get divorced in the country (or state) you married in. The rules vary from place to place but typically you need to be resident somewhere, but that doesn't necessarily mean legally resident, just having lived there for a certain period of time.

So you could attempt a search but there's no guaranty you'd pick the right country to search. As others have said, there's obviously no trust there so there's no point.