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Relationships

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Original poster

husband at the gym while baby is at hospital

44 replies

yellowsands0211 · 09/04/2016 15:31

i have been married for 3 yrs and have recently just given birth to a baby boy. 2 days ago i had to bring our 4 month old dd to hospital due to high fever. First night in the hospital was really stressful as baby was up and crying all night, i looked after the baby and barely slept too. husband came in next day, help me look after the baby, gave me time to rest (2hrs) and left in the evening so he can rest. instead, i found out that he just went to the gym. we had a pretty difficult day as doctors were querying meningitis, baby was so poorly. i couldnt grasp the idea of him having the desire to go to the gym when he has a sick baby needing his attention and a wife needing emotional support. I was so stressed out last night, i think i made a mistake marrying a selfish man. am i being unreasonable

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 09/04/2016 16:16

Depends what he's usually like.
If only one parent can stay, plenty of mothers would insist that it was them - I would have done. And yes, parents are equal but breastfeeding aside, I wouldn't have left mine.
If you had both agreed he would go (and if you wanted him to stay, you should have told him - I personally think most good men would also assume it would be the mother that stays at that age, with an only child, not just selfish ones) then it doesn't matter if he went to the gym.
You say it had been an awful day with a meningitis query - but it sounds like that query had been resolved.
I'm sorry your baby is ill, but what is either parent supposed to do during their rest time?
If you watched some mindless TV to try to take your mind off it and get to sleep - why would that be more acceptable than the gym?

Only you know if he's a selfish arse or not.

Cabrinha · 09/04/2016 16:20

Cross post.

How did you feel about him before you got pregnant / before the baby was born?

Love may mean accepting flaws, but I think the trick to love is picking someone who doesn't have loads of flaws in the first place!

Forgetting your birthday sounds awful. But I know that in my relationship, if mine was forgotten my boyfriend would be mortified, that I'd enjoy teasing him, and then we'd both laugh looking back. Because it'd be a one off and he shows me he loves me all the time.

Want2bSupermum · 09/04/2016 16:22

Totally agree that you are pissed off with him not taking his parental responsibilities seriously. The fact he went to the gym is an indication that he doesn't think parental responsibilities extend to him.

I had a DH like this. When DD was born he referred to himself as Mr Mom when spending time with DD. I set him straight and went back to work as it was clear to me he didn't respect or value the mothering role I had taken on.

You need to sit him down and spell it out to him. Your baby is sick and he needs both of his parents. You can't be of much help with 2'hours sleep. He could have ditched the gym and given you another 2 hours of rest, enabling you to be a better support for your baby.

MrsDeVere · 09/04/2016 16:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TeaBelle · 09/04/2016 17:33

As he couldn't stay then it would make no difference if he was at home or at the gym as long as he was contactable.

MrsDeVere · 09/04/2016 17:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Moreisnnogedag · 09/04/2016 18:51

It's usually that only one parent can stay (of either gender). I can't imagine a unit that would specify mom only!

SurroMummy13 · 09/04/2016 19:54

No you're not. I'd go mental if my OH was at the gym while our baby was ill in hospital!!!

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp · 09/04/2016 20:04

So he went to the gym! So what. He wasn't if you wanted him to swap then why not ask???

BennyTheBall · 09/04/2016 20:09

OK, so only one of you could stay.

He went to the gym - I would've done the same as to me, it's a stress reliever.

If you wanted him to stay, why not ask. Silent demands don't work.

Are you breast feeding?

NerrSnerr · 09/04/2016 20:13

I think he probably assumed you wouldn't have wanted to swap (I probably wouldn't have done when my daughter was 4 months). The gun is fair enough, it's not like he had a night on the town. Are you breastfeeding?

I think you need to tell him outright if you want him to do something.

Spandexpants007 · 09/04/2016 20:20

The crux is probably that you need more support. I suspect it's not about the gym at all

user7755 · 09/04/2016 20:24

It's shit that your baby is sick, that you are tired and worried. However, I don't think your DH did anything wrong.

Must have been horrible for him to have left the people he loves in the hospital and go home unable to do anything about it.

Perhaps the gym was a way of taking his mind off things.

If you want him to do something specific, you need to tell him. The communication doesn't sound great at the moment TBH, there is a lot of heightened emotion around (understandably) and it is getting in the way of you actually talking to each other.

BackforGood · 09/04/2016 20:33

only one parent was allowed to stay and he never offered to swap with me looking after the baby at night. in fact since i gave birth, i have never left him with looking after the baby for more than 2 hours

Well there you are then. If you've not left your baby for more than 2 hours, I can hardly see you agreeing to leaving them in hospital overnight as a first time you leave them - I expect he realised this and knew it would be pointless to offer.

As he can't be in hospital overnight, then I can't see the issue with going to let off a bit of stress at the gym, tbh.

I hope your little one is on the mend soon, but this highly emotional time for you is NOT the time to be analysing your relationship, IMVHO.

ILikeUranus · 09/04/2016 20:34

How did you find out he went to the gym? Is he definitely at the gym all the time, or could he be somewhere else? Sorry he's being crap. Hope your ds is better soon.

SanityAssassin · 09/04/2016 21:46

If he doesn't normally look after baby (you've never left for more than 2 hours) why would he suddenly think you would want him to take over? And if you di why couldn't you ask him?

If he's gone home leaving you to look after DC unaware you were unhappy about it what does it matter what he does. Would it have been acceptable to you for him to watch a good movie, have a nice bath, meal - does he have to sit and wallow in misery? Maybe he can switch off at the gym and de-stress. You sound a bit like hard work really.

Want2bSupermum · 09/04/2016 22:32

I really think people are being mean to the Op. She has been stuck in a hospital on her own with her DS. The father of child, also her DH, has not supported his wife or child. By all means go to the gym but after business is taken care of. He should be offering to stay overnight, bring in food for Op and son, asking what clean clothes etc are needed. After his wife and child are taken care of then go to the gym.

OP - I have the exact same issue with my DH. Its 5:30pm here and I've just lost my temper with DH because he is focused on himself. I shouldn't have to remind him but it seems I do. You would think by the 3rd child he would have a clue but no.

minipie · 09/04/2016 22:42

Sounds like this is not really about this one occasion but more that this is the straw that broke the camel's back.

If a partner who is ordinarily supportive and does his fair share chooses to use his allocated time off exercising rather than resting - no problem.

But in this case I think it's highlighted to the OP the difference between her and her DP - she is exhausted and gets no time off whereas her DP clearly has plenty of energy and time off.

OP hope your little one is recovering.

haveacupoftea · 09/04/2016 22:50

People deal with different things in different ways. He only went to the gym it's not like he was out partying. He likely didnt want to be at home on his own.

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