Looking for an outside perspective (long)

[puzzles4409]

I've been thinking about leaving DP for a while, but I'm not sure how bad our relationship really is, so just looking for an outside perspective really. We mostly get on well, so I'm not sure whether I'm just making too much of small issues.

I'm a SAHM at the moment, and I'm happy with doing most of the housework and childcare, but DP does practically nothing. I have to really push him to do anything for our DD (changing, dressing, etc.). I get up before him every morning and make breakfast for all of us (and bring it up to bed). A few months ago, I woke up with a sickness bug and DP kindly told me I didn't have to make breakfast that morning. I would've thought that went without saying really. I pick up all his clothes after him, and quite often have to find clean clothes for him too. I don't think he even knows how the dishwasher works. He's been doing a bit more on his days off recently, so things are a bit better, but often he phrases it as 'helping me out'.

In general, I feel that our relationship lacks equality and respect. For instance, a few weeks ago he announced that he'd decided that we're going to get a joint account when I go back to work, and he didn't seem to think this needed to be discussed. Often I feel that he speaks to me like I'm his employee, and that he feels I am incapable of making my own decisions. When I discussed my career options with him, there was one option that he was significantly in favour of, but I wasn't sure I wanted to do it, so he said that I had 'no understanding of how the real world worked'. He regularly makes comments that put me down, and sometimes criticises my appearance. When I try to discuss his actions with him, he says that he was just joking and seems to think that I'm overreacting or irrational.

We nearly split last year, because DP felt we were drifting apart and he thought that there might be something better out there for both of us. He offered to set me up in a house (and suggested locations that he'd prefer me to live in), and said we could see how things went and maybe get back together in 6 months. He had been working a lot, and gotten quite close to a female colleague (but he said he wasn't interested in her romantically). He went shopping with her after work one evening, so was late home. Initially he claimed to have been working late, but then admitted he'd been with her and said the idea that somebody might see them together outside work was excitement enough for him. After this he stopped staying so late at work, and he no longer works with her.

There are other issues too, like that DP wasn't keen on my family and friends at the beginning. I've lost touch with most of my friends at some point during our relationship (5.5yrs), but I am in contact with most of them again now. I see them without DP. When I first moved in with DP (his house), he wouldn't let me tell my DM and stepdad our address, but they knew where the house was roughly. This went on for about 6 months. That's not normal, is it?

He's not normal, you're being too nice, you know in your heart this isn't working for you. If you don't live with him, he doesn't have the right to place you somewhere else, fgs. Stop running around after him, if he finds being seen with another woman exciting, I would leave him to be available to other woman 7 days a week, the bloke is a prat and you can do a lot better than this. Sounds like he is waiting for a better offer to me love, sorry...

None of that sounds normal, but how kind of him to offer to set you up in a house so that he could shag a woman he works with

It doesn't matter anyone here thinks though, you don't need permission to leave.
Being unhappy is enough, but if that's what you're looking for and need, then I'll give it to you

Me too, its nothing short of what he deserves and you would be doing it for yourself not us...

C'mon OP you know that he's treating you with utter contempt and you run about acting like the dutiful wifey - he's not doing anything for you though is he apart from pointing out all your flaws and telling you how to live your life, so, no none of what you have written is normal.

Your DP sounds like a dick. He is obviously taking you for granted, treating you like a domestic servant while pondering whether he should ditch you and bang his work colleague. Sounds like he probably has already, to be honest.

As PP said, being unhappy with his frankly reprehensible behaviour is the only reason you need to leave, if that's what you want to do.

Thank you for your replies.

You've all said what I was thinking. Just struggling to believe it, really. I'm financially stuck at the moment, but will seek support in RL.

Good for you, get some RL support, you will find a way and then you can build a secure future for you and dc , good luck....

Yes please do seek out RL help, he is controlling you. Could your parents help?
What a fuckwit knob.

What ???

This man is an abusive wanker and you are absolutely right to want to leave him. However, you will need to tread carefully. You don't mention him ever having been physically aggressive, but men like this sometimes do become dangerous when they feel that their control is being threatened.

Have a talk with Women's AId and/or a solicitor about what you would be entitled to financially (if the children are his, he is legally obliged to pay towards their support, and there are various possibilities regarding the family home, depending on whether it is owned or rented and whose name is on the relevant paperwork - though it is unfortunately quite likely that a man as controlling and woman-hating as this one will have already set things up in a way that benefits him rather than you). When you have all the necessary information, you can decide on what to do next ie moving out with DC or making him leave. It's more likely it will be best for you to move out, though if there is any history of physical violence from him it might be possible to have him removed.
Once your plans are in place, act quickly. It's perfectly OK to lie to him and leave when he is out at work, without giving him any warning. You can leave him a note with a contact email or phone number; you cannot be legally compelled to return home because you are not his property and do not have to obey him.
He will have a legal right to contact with the children (technically, the law cites their right to a relationship with their father) but it can be managed in a way that means you do not have to have much, or any, contact with him yourself.

Good luck.

Oh, and do not listen to anyone who advises couple counselling or mediation. They will be a waste of time and money, and a further opportunity for him to abuse you. Counselling does not work on a man who considers his female partner less than human and this man clearly believes that women are inferior to men and occupy a position that's a cross between a family pet (needs to be 'trained' to obedience and punished when it doesn't know its place) and a domestic appliance (exists for his benefit and convenience and has no mind of its own).

Hi puzzles,these aren't small issues, it is just when you are in a wonky relationship the weird shit becomes your normality and you start to accept it as ok.
It is only when you step back, or write it down and look at it all in black and white that you suddenly see it ain't right.
Your partner is controlling and manipulative. He has tried to isolate you from family and friends but well done to you for managing to keep in touch with them. Try speaking to women's aid for advice 're extracting yourself from this toxic relationship, also CAB 're the financial side.
I know it is sometimes difficult and scary to accept when you finally realise your relationship is broken , but that realisation is your first step to getting out.
You can do it! Good luck x

Hi puzzles, just to echo the above really- he does sound extremely controlling. I'm glad that you have a RL support network- make good use of it. I wouldn't give him advance warning that I was going either.

Come and have a look at these 2 threads.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2587285-Where-can-I-get-the-strength-to-end-it
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2592809-Curious-to-hear-from-people-who-have-left-marriages-that-werent-AWFUL-but-just-unsatisfying

Lots of people in similar situations, although not all of them abusive by any means but wonderful support.
Good luck. My partner shows certain behaviours similar to some of your husbands from the first half of your post.