I've just discovered my DH has been on find adult friends.com

[CurlyN]

Help what should I do, should I say anything, if so what, and yes I am guilty, I haven't made love to him for all of 3 weeks, aghhhhhh I want to cry, i feel like I've been betrayed.

don't panic! I was in a very similar situation, how do you know?

i gather this website is an adult website and not like friends reunited, to find old friends?

maybe if hes good at discussions, you could explain you were using the net to come on here, and you found that he had been on this website. find out why, i bet there is a reason. i found my dp did this once. he said he did it to get some confidence back and attention from other females, because i had not been as attentive as normal toward him. he felt lonely and unattractive.

he may just want some attention.wrong i know.dont be upset about when you last made love-its not an excuse for him going on these websites.

you are not guilty. he is a grown up and went on that site all on his own.

no dont feel betrayed. Did you find this in the history by chance? Its actually a pop up but appears in history. My friend rang me up and said exactly the same thing. Then I spotted it on my computer and remember the stupid pop up coming up

honestly dont jump to conclusions

ive just checked my computer history and its saying the same thing-sites ive never been on but that popped up yesterday when i was online. it may be this?

I was checking my history and discovered this and loads of vile porn sites, ok some of the stuff i know he was in to, but others, after 10 years, i'm shocked. I recently found out i was pregnant, after a lot of thought, decided to have a termination, which happened on friday. Not so easy. Consequently over the last few weeks, sex has been a million miles from my mind. He's not great at talking, like most I guess.

I really do hope you are right, and this is just a pop up, but the rest, videos etc? it sort of adds up in my mind at the moment

oh. so it does sound like he went on it then.

im so sorry to hear about what you have been through the last few weeks, and now this

nah,men arent great at discussions but IMO,this is different to looking at porn.he may be trying to contact other people, which is a step further to looking at them naked IMO.

maybe you could just mention it later at a quiet uniterrupted time? it needs to be addressed, i think anyway.

i hope you will be ok

also, just an afterthought.

do you think the termination has affected him, and thats why hes seeking outside attention (if this is what hes doing)?

My last question to him was are you sure, yep, defo, no doubt, we can't have another child. so what do you think

it sounds like thats not it then.

i hope you find out and are ok

Thanks for your support

Quokka what did you do, say?

Ok in my experience he will be VERY embarassed and he wont want to talk about it.

I found exactly the same kind of stuff when I was 6 months pregnant with ds1 and was devastated. We had been together for 5yrs and I had no idea. I'm the type of person that would prefer to know everything than be kept in the dark iykwim.

Anyway we have talked and talked about it, and he now understands that it makes me feel unwanted, but I also realise that he can't go cold turkey. So we have an understanding that if he goes away on business and gets lonley he can go online. But he doesn't sneak downstairs and watch it in the house. It took us a long time to get here. He doesn't see it as cheating, like I did. I know he would never be unfaithful to me (well I hope), but I've accpeted that this is his vice.

It took ages to get the trust back, but we did get there in the end. I hope it goes ok for you, feel free to ask any other questions.

ok so now i've calmed down, and have stupidly 1) had a cigarette after 8 days without. 2) called him at work to let him know what i've discovered today, right we need to talk. I will listen.

I don't blame you for the ciggie!

How as he when you spoke to him?

was!

how did it go?

just checking that your ok and everything went well?

Cookies tell you more than history. History an actually be deleted, item by idividual item, making a day's surfing appear innocent.

I know what Adult Friends is. You can find out if he has registered via the cookies.. you need an email address to register; he may has created a hotmail one for this purpose; cookies will tell you that as well. It may then be possible for you to get into the email account and get his registration info (if he has any; he may have been just looking). It is then possible to see what a registered person is 'looking for' (email/online "fun"/chat /someone to actually meet ) You can then deal with this accordingly.

I know you must feel devastated and it is a kind of betrayal, but in the end you have to pull it into context and act accordingly on that. In most cases it isn't a sign of an affair and you can reassure youself that he hasn't actually done anything physcially which would be an entirely different matter.

This kind of thing can have a devastating effect on a relationship and on a womans confidence for a long time. It is useful to consider than most men see love/sex as two different things. A male Mner once said that love is good.. sex is good... and love and sex together are preferable but not essential. Many men seem able to compartmentalise this kind of behaviour into a place where if they don't think about it too much, they don't have to feel guilty. I don't think they consider the damage it can do until it is laid out on the line very clearly to them, sometimes repeatedly. Often then they will realise what they may lose for a "cheap thrill".

Love luck and hugs to you Curly. There is lots of support for this 'kind of thing' on here, you need never look far down the Relationships list of posts to find someone in a similar position.

Relationships can and do recover in many cases and I think it's possible for it to become something you can look back in the future as a 'dicey patch that we recovered from'.

The downside of the internet eh?

Have spoken to dh Re my findings. It mostly happened all on one night, the night of 16th dec, my birthday, I had one two many, and was out for the count in bed. He was frustrated! ah bless! so turned to the internet for companionship. long and short is , he hasn't made any contact with anyone else, just looking at the pics, apparently didn't realise that he had downloaded footage. So, I then had to convince dh I believe him and trust him. end of that one. Lets look to the future. PS lost 4.5 lbs at WW this week!!

I don't mean to sound negative, but dh said something similar and it took awhile for it to all come out into the open - as he was so embarassed about it. I hope I'm wrong and things are good for you!

Well done on the weight loss, stress is good for that

Oh God yes, this kind of stress makes the weight fall off! Only upside!

That's good Curly. Hopefully that's the end of it for your sake.