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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH's lack of care/interest

18 replies

WhiteWriting · 07/04/2016 20:30

I have been struggling with how lonely I am in my marriage for some time but tonight really clarified how little I must mean to my husband. I mentioned I wouldn't eat as I was feeling unwell. His response was "I could have had something else instead of soup then, you shouldn't have opened it" said in an annoyed voice. It sounds silly, but I am just reeling at his lack of care. I have been keeping a mental record of any time he starts a conversation, asks me a question about my life, looks me in the eye, responds with more than a yes no answer to my questions (in the last two weeks not once). I'm not sure what to do but this is bleak isn't it? Has anyone else experienced total indifference in their marriage? How did you address it?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 07/04/2016 20:31

No, and I can't imagine it

What is the point of being in a relationship then ?

Original poster

WhiteWriting · 07/04/2016 20:34

Thank you for your reply AF. I suppose because I married him and I am frightened about what happens next.

OP posts:

dodgeballqueen · 07/04/2016 20:59

Been there OP and you have my sympathies. It's so hard to convey to others if you haven't been there - feels like psychological abuse at times.

Rainbowlou1 · 07/04/2016 21:09

Feeling lonely by yourself is a horrible feeling but for me there is nothing worse than feeling lonely when you're with someone...
I'm sorry you're going through this

Nothavingfunrightnow · 07/04/2016 22:20

You don't have to put up with this. Have you considered what options are open to you?

absolutelynotfabulous · 07/04/2016 22:23

Yes, I've been there.

Have you asked him what's going on?

fusspot66 · 07/04/2016 22:24

That's awful OP. Hope you feel well soon. This thread might interest you.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2587285-Where-can-I-get-the-strength-to-end-it

lavenderhoney · 07/04/2016 22:27

Bleak is very descriptive. I remember the bleakness of it, before I faced up to ending it. I just thought I'd rather be alone and coping than with someone who blatantly didn't give a shit. Pity I waited really.

It's quite eye opening to hear your Muslim male friend who has a few wives ( and v rish player) to say to your European husband ( I'm a Brit) dh " hey man, don't treat her like shit" and say to me " I'd get out if I were you !! "

AnyFucker · 07/04/2016 22:29

I cannot think it would be less frightening to stay in a sham marriage like this than to go it alone

lavenderhoney · 07/04/2016 22:29

Marriage is a financial contract as you'll find out. Treat it as a dissolution of a business contract.

All the hearts and flowers stuff doesn't count.

ElanoraHeights · 07/04/2016 23:00

Yes, and I spent years trying to get mine to feel empathy. I thought it must be in there somewhere if I just tried hard enough. It turns out it wasn't. I ended the relationship (stuck it out for 6 years). Mine was a classic narcissist but with another personality disorder thrown in.

It is much better to be on your own than to try desperately to get your partner to understand what empathy is. It is draining. Life is infinitely better without people like this in it.

I hope you are feeling a bit better WhiteWash.

ElanoraHeights · 07/04/2016 23:01

WhiteWash??? WhiteWriting! Sorry! And I hope your illness is getting better. You must be feeling constantly stressed living like this too.

absolutelynotfabulous · 08/04/2016 10:55

Me too, elanora. I'm still here, though.

The worse thing about my own situation was finally realising he doesn't care after giving him the benefit of the doubt for years. It's really hard to hear. I've had counselling but the effect this has had has brought me really low.

OP I hope you get some answers and find a way forward.

FlounderingWildly · 09/04/2016 08:14

Yup. I'm indifferent. But my h is more so which is why i am on here and currently wording out what I need to say to him to address things.
We've been together 18 years, married for 1.5. Have 2 dc. He has always said he didn't care about getting married as it wasn't important to him but it was a deal breaker for me to move abroad a year and a half ago (something i didn't actually want to do but did it to keep the peace. stupid me). So i needed to renew my passport recently and decided somewhat stupidly to change my name to his (which also makes it a little easier to travel with the kids). I mentioned it to him and the reaction? 'You know I don't give a shit about that sort of thing'. It just made me think that even if you don't give a shit about that sort of thing you could have phrased it in a much nicer way, not made me feel stupid for doing it.
I'm so far into indifference that I hope the result of our conversation is divorce and me moving back to the uk. It will devastate the kids if it happens but the thought of spending another 40 odd years living like this is awful.
We were on holiday last summer and I was getting changed after dinner from swimwear and cover up to a dress. He saw me in my underwear and said 'christ what a sight'. I got upset and he told me i was being being stupid to feel upset. He travels a lot with work and I enjoy the times he is gone so much more

nicenewdusters · 09/04/2016 09:31

FlounderingWildly: that's such a cruel, nasty thing that your dh said to you about your appearance. No wonder you want to leave him, 40 minutes in his company must be awful, let alone another 40 years. Hope your conversation results in what YOU want and that you can start a new life without him.

PattyPenguin · 09/04/2016 09:40

Floundering, he sounds awful.

Although, I do hope the indifference extends to letting the kids come back to the UK with you if you decide that's what you want to do.

RiceCrispieTreats · 09/04/2016 09:53

Feeling lonely inside a marriage is a far worse feeling than actually being alone.

You can find strength in yourself, but you'll only find coldness and cruelty from an indifferent partner.

Chinks123 · 09/04/2016 13:13

Floundering what a nasty man he sounds, I can imagine how much that hurt your feelings.

Op I have had this briefly with oh during a part of our relationship years ago which I try not to think about, in which we nearly called it a day. We were both miserable for a while (just had DD, he lost his job inamongst other things) and it took its toll. There was no affection, no compliments, blunt harsh tone, and it got me down. Lonely is the best way to describe it, I felt so alone beside what had previously been my amazing, adoring and loving DP who suddenly changed.

We ended up having a very long chat, discovering what was wrong and deciding to either end it now or sort it out as I was sick of crying. We got to the root, he had depression, and soon got back to being us again.

You need to get to the root of his problem and decide if you both want to continue in the relationship as you deserve to be happy

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