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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I told him to move out whilst angry now not sure

25 replies

C0C0 · 07/04/2016 09:59

So DP said he would be home at 7pm last night, I phoned him about 8:30pm, he said he had a bad day and was in the pub, he said he would be home in 30 mins to an hour.

I phoned again at 11pm a couple of times when he was still not home and no answer so I text him and said I have had enough- move out - he never puts us first etc. . He got home about 12:30am.

He has a problem with alcohol and cannot handle his drink at all and when he drinks usually ends up doing coke as he was once a coke addict. So he has agreed before that he should not really drink but still does occasionally.

I was angry, he ignored/was too drunk to notice my calls, he went to the pub when he really shouldn't go anyway and did not call me to tell me where he was - our DD was expecting him as I told her he would be home soon etc. .

Now this morning I am not sure on my decision because I was angry - I was so sure last night - everything just came to a head how I have been feeling. He is still asleep in the spare room so have not spoke to him this morning.

We have been together 10 years and have a DD plus I have a son from a previous relationship - I don't think I can actually break us up though...

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 07/04/2016 10:06

I suppose it depends whether you want to be in a relationship with an alcoholic who does drugs for the foreseeable future.

I wouldn't, but then you've done it for 10 years so maybe you don't mind it?

Kicking him out and giving him an ultimatum (stop the drinking and drugs or it's over) might work, but only if you really mean it and if he cares about you and DD more than alcohol and drugs.

wallywobbles · 07/04/2016 10:09

Stick by your decision. Last night he showed you clearly that you and your DC are less important to you than alcohol and drugs. He really needs to leave to understand what he is going to loose. What you decide in the long term is another question.

You could have a quick discuss with him about access over the next few weeks which will help hammer it home.

While you wait for him to wake up start packing a bag for him.

If you back down you are showing that you will put up with this and you are ok with being low in his priorities. And there WILL absolutely be a next time v

Imnotaslimjim · 07/04/2016 10:09

Follow your instincts. This man is not going to change for you! Do you want your DC growing up believing its ok to be disrespected?

Original poster

C0C0 · 07/04/2016 10:26

Yes I know there will be a next time there always is no matter what he says - I guess I am worn down/ used to it. I don't think he took any drugs last night just drinking.

I know he's not going to change, although at times I think he has changed as he can go some time before being like this. I just dont feel I have the energy/willpower to end it.

OP posts:

Beachlovingirl · 07/04/2016 11:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

C0C0 · 07/04/2016 11:58

Less often now than he used to - maybe every couple of months he will get really drunk but he is at the pub twice a week usually playing guitar/singing but usually has a shandy and drives home.

It is not that he is at the pub coming home late as like I said he does that at least once a week. It's that he got drunk when he really shouldn't and didn't call me to say he was going to the pub when we were expecting him at 7pm ish.

OP posts:

summerwinterton · 07/04/2016 12:40

So, you need to decide whether you can tolerate a man with alcohol and coke issues?

Original poster

C0C0 · 07/04/2016 12:51

Yes I can tolerate it as I have done for years - he had completed rehab when we met and the first few years there were no problems with him drinking/drugs - but don't know if I should tolerate it any more. It is only once in a while so maybe I am overreacting but I guess I am fed up of it and wish he would grow up and put his family first all the time.

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 07/04/2016 12:54

Would he go back to rehab or join AA or engage with another addiction support service?
www.drinkaware.co.uk/understand-your-drinking/is-your-drinking-a-problem/alcohol-support-services

I would ask him to move out and do that before I let him move back in.

You and your children deserve someone who will put you first. If he won't do that you will honestly be better off separated.

summerwinterton · 07/04/2016 13:18

Why do you think his drug/alcohol use would ever be good? Do you want this type of man around your DC? I am astounded you think you are over- reacting.

Original poster

C0C0 · 07/04/2016 13:55

Just spoke to him again and he agrees he should move out/we should break up as he says I don't give a shit about him because I had a right go at him on Easter Sunday.

We were meant to be going to my sisters for lunch and he told me 30 mins before he was not coming as his friend was coming round to play guitar/write songs with him. I was literally fuming and swore at him so I went with just me and the kids. I felt so let down/embarrassed as I had told my sister he was coming as she wanted to know numbers.

I told him to ask his mum when she comes round later to see if he can stay there.

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 07/04/2016 14:04

What a dick, blaming you for being angry with him when you had every right to be! He let you and your family down - it's very clear that you're at the bottom of his priority list.

It really does sound like splitting up is the best option. Here are some links with useful info about the practical side of things:
www.advicenow.org.uk/guides/survival-guide-living-together-and-breaking
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/relationships/relationship-problems/ending-a-relationship-when-you-re-living-together/

Toomuchinfo1 · 07/04/2016 14:30

Your situation with your partner sounds a lot like my (recently) XBF - minus the children.

He did coke when he had a few drinks and told me he would change etc etc. every month or so, he would go and do it again, and would also lie about it. he started letting me down over various plans, and finally it ended in a massive argument and he punched my car head light whilst we were pulled over in a lay by. This is when I ended it. (I posted about it on here and got some great advice and really kind words - along with some home truths!)

I'm really sorry to say, but all the advice I got on here was so true. he won't change for you, or for your children. if he wants to make a change then I think he needs to experience what life would be like without you.

Don't let him turn it around on you. As far as I can see, you've done nothing wrong.

Good luck xxx

Original poster

C0C0 · 07/04/2016 14:42

Thanks for your kind words toomuch sorry what happened to you with your ex.

I am at a really low point in my life as my sister took her own life last August which I am still dealing with and my Dad is very ill with cancer in hospital - he has to have a feeding tube. My DP has not been very supportive at a time when I think he should be putting me first he just does what he likes.

So he can go do what he likes without me "moaning" at him. Think we will be better off without him and his moods which the DC have been noticing and commenting on lately too.

OP posts:

Yipeekayee72 · 07/04/2016 14:45

Sounds like you will be.

ImperialBlether · 07/04/2016 14:48

It's actually a lot easier being on your own than with someone who isn't supportive and who's moody. He sounds very immature.

I'm so sorry about your sister and your dad.

pippistrelle · 07/04/2016 14:53

I can sort of understand someone having a bit of a blow out occasionally (and I mean occasionally), but his response to you today is ridiculous. And, given what you've just said about the other stresses you're dealing with, it's hard to see what positives he brings to your life.

I'm sorry you don't have a less selfish, more responsible partner to support you.

Toomuchinfo1 · 07/04/2016 15:00

Really sorry to hear about your sister and your dad xxx

This should be a time when he is there for you and supporting you.

I can appreciate that once the initial anger has gone, it is easy to slip back into day to day life and forget about it - until the next time, when you kick yourself for letting it happen again.

I agree with Imperial . . .the relief of actually leaving the situation was amazing. and I feel stronger on my own than I ever did with him. I know I didn't have kids and a house etc, so that can make it a bit harder . .but shouldn't be a reason to stay together

xxxx

Original poster

C0C0 · 07/04/2016 22:43

He is going tomorrow, his mum was shocked, she did not see it coming and we see her regularly, he has gone to talk to a friend tonight and will be back late and will pack stuff tomorrow. His Dad is very cross- he thinks we should try to work it out so not sure if he can stay there though.

I don't know what to feel right now but I know I must be strong and stick to my decision, don't I deserve a chance at some happiness? I can't see us being happy together again. We had just booked a holiday for July too which I will have cancel and loose the deposit for but hey ho.

My sister thinks I am making the right decision - she said all these years the things I have told her she thought he didn't look after me properly and was irresponsible and I deserve better. She had told me this many times before but I was not ready to hear it. I really miss my other sister right now.

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 08/04/2016 06:54

Your sister is right and his dad can fuck off.

Stay strong and look after yourself.

NameChange30 · 08/04/2016 06:55

PS Could you go on the holiday without him?

Toomuchinfo1 · 08/04/2016 08:49

Good Luck today C0C0. I hope it's not too stressful for you.

Family can usually see things long before we see them for ourselves (or we just choose not to see them). I broke my mums heart for a long time before I finally made the move.

and yes - could you still go on the holiday with the kids? maybe take a friend/sister?

xxxx

Original poster

C0C0 · 08/04/2016 09:52

Thanks, I would love to go on the holiday but unfortunately no way I can afford it without his contribution (which would have been around 60% of it) and my sister is also away on holiday at the same time and no one else who could pay the 60% that he would have if that makes sense?

We still have to tell the DC, been googling the best way to do that but if any one has experience/advice with that in real life I would be grateful.

OP posts:

Original poster

C0C0 · 09/04/2016 14:37

He has just left to stay at his parents, I just feel so relieved if that makes sense?!

Our DD took the news very well indeed and was in fact super excited at spending the weekends at nanny and grandads!

OP posts:

yellowsands0211 · 09/04/2016 15:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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