Once you've checked out can you check back in?

[Familymatters2016]

It's as simple as that really. My own history is been with H for over 20 years, married for 10, 2DC. I went for initial counselling session last night on my own, counsellor wants to proceed to couples counselling. I am in two minds whether to do this - do I really want to? I feel like I should do this so that I can say I have done everything to try and repair the relationship.

I can't predict how H will respond in the counselling situation given that he is a difficult person to talk to (although he maintains he is not angry etc and "why can't we just talk FGS", while simmering with rage visible through his body language). Mine is very much a 'death by a thousand cuts' scenario, involving manchild/trust issues/anger in parenting situation/lack of responsibility and accountability/minimising etc. From my own side I have over the years been too passive, from a dislike and inability to deal with confrontational situations. However I have come to the point where enough is enough, and the counsellor said it is clear I have stepped away from the relationship.

I am not sure whether there is anything my H could now do to make amends, but he feels aggrieved as in his mind he has "done nothing wrong".

Has anyone else been in this position? I suppose deep down I know what I need to do, I just need to find the courage. But it is hard to have the guilt of such a huge decision on my shoulders, I need to know if there is a chance to save it that I have at least explored every avenue.

TIA

I would give it a shot, I don't think it can make the situation worse and then you really can rest assured that from your end you tried your hardest, even if he refuses to go along at least you tried to encourage him

Well, it's possible, but it's not likely. And it seems even less likely in your case, where he's still behaving like a dick.

You could go, and like you said, feel like you've done everything possible. Or you can not go, but still know that you hung around for as long as possible.

I'd be very careful that going isn't just a way to delay ending it, though. That's a cop out for everyone. It sounds like you've delayed it enough and you'll probably find huge relief in actually getting it done and moving on.

The chances are if he doesn't see he's 'done nothing wrong' - he never will! I have any exh like that and Ive shouldered all the blame, like you Ive been passive for all the relationship and I got sick of it, either shape up or ship out and I shipped out!

If you've had enough of the relationship you can end it. You don't HAVE to try everything. It sounds pretty miserable and like you are looking for it to finish.

If he thinks he's done nothing wrong I think you are wasting your time.

I think you should set the agenda for your own counselling - don't let the counsellor dictate what you get out of it.

Thank you all for your replies. Just to clarify, the counsellor did say that she only felt it beneficial to proceed to couples counselling if I felt there was something to save, but also that she didn't feel that I needed individual counselling. She said I may need support going forward depending on how things pan out (I don't think that I will) but I am clear and coherent in my thoughts at present, I didn't get upset and was very matter of fact about the situation, I suppose as a result of my detachment.

I am going to relay this to H and may just give it a go at least once, as I really don't know what to expect and haven't got anything to lose. It will be interesting to see him rationalise his behaviour in front of a third party.

My dh refuses couples counselling so I'm just doing it myself despite the counsellor saying he needs to go 😣so understand where you are coming from.

I think you should, family. I'd also suggest you go for someone with a psychoanalytical background. I suspect you might b surprised by how much of these issues is relational, ie that you create it between you. You don't mention any abuse, violence, or infidelity in your original post. That doesn't mean you should stay together by any means, but I imagine he might have his own side to this. It's interesting you say he is very difficult to talk to but then quote him saying, 'why can't we just talk'. he's not stonewalling you. He's almost certainly being triggered by something deep within from his childhood if he's unable to control his manifestation of what you read as anger. But it's clear you are reading certain things into his behaviour without offering us any explanation as to why that might be or an acknowledgment you might be projecting some of it, or be contributing in a minor way yourself.

Your tone reminds me of what happens when someone has already deep down decided to leave and wants to shape all behaviour as their partner's impossible flaws. That's totally fine if so, but own it and leave, don't waste time trying to get to the end of some imaginary 'work rope' that signifies having 'tried'.

Good luck.

Sorry OP, I see you do of course mention your own issues with passivity and fear of conflict. That sounds like a very tough combination. Read TOO GOOD TO LEAVE TOO BAD TO STAY, that will give you a solid sense of whether there's anything worth keeping. It's hard to judge from general overview here. But please, do not live in ambivalence forever. Many say that's the worst outcome.

Sounds like you have already moved on a detached.....however often couples counselling is useful when separating. It is a safe place to talk and you might both learn a lot from each other - or agree to things in this calm forum that would not be possible in the heat of emotion/stress in day to day life. If you do separate or if you you chose to stay together you will need understanding and communication in both scenarios,