How old were your DC before they did 50:50 for the holidays?

[Homely1]

I feel my DC is too young ... How old were yours? Thank you.

The report that I posted early basically says that up to the age of 3 it is not necessarily in the child's best interest to have separation with overnight contact away from mother.

If father has day contact until child is 3 i don't see what the problem is with this.

Homily you need to encourage it not alienate your children from their father. Work with him. My boys have a fantastic relationship with their dad and I encourage it..not focus on the separation. It's right that they can have a normal overnight relationship with him too.

Christmas if he is the child's father and plays a positive role then why wait until three? Why not encourage overnights and be on board? Children are very apt at latching on to what is 'normal' and unless your ex is abusive I think you are doing a disservice and are being rather controlling..

That is only one study. There are also studies that show that shared care is in the best interest of the child. Nobody knows the right answer for definite - probably because it varies for each child.

Homely - there's nothing you've posted, on this or other threads, that makes me think you'll be successful in court. I think you need to find a way to deal with your emotions and I think you'll find that once you do, your son will stop struggling too. Yes your ex was a shit and disappeared and then came back and it's not fair and so on and so on, but this is just dragging it all out. You've posted so many similar threads over the last few months, you need to find a way to move on with this, for your son's sake.

You have to remember as well that plenty of young children spend nights with only one parent (or with a grandparent) because of shift work, or a parent working away.
My XH did loads of solo overnights from 13 months when I went back to work and travelled away frequently.
It actually came in very handy when we divorced 4 years later, as being put to bed by daddy without mummy around for the next 3 days was no big deal at all.
Make sure your child doesn't pick up on your distress at them going - that's not fair on them.

My DD did overnights with her dad from around 8 months once she took a bottle OK. She's done a week at a time with him for holidays since the age of 1. He's never wanted more than a week at a time.

She's now a happy well adjusted 12 year old with a good relationship with each of us. Children can form close attachments to more than one person.

My advice would be to support them in going to their dad's, ask him to recognise that it's hard for you and let you know regularly how they're getting on, and find yourself things to keep you busy whilst they're away including friends without children if possible so you see the child-free time as positive.

Good post bluelillies.

Op I loathed the overnights at first it was torture. 4 years on I'm glad I have a life and nights off!

Thank you so much- really useful. He has been a shit and I realise that court will give him what he wants. I do feel cross that he is not accountable and could just do what he has always done. I feel that I have no way to protect DC. I do realise that I have to deal with me and my emotions. I just do not really know how. I think that what has been said is really useful- it's taking that step.

Also, knowing his crafty nature, the more I give, the more he will demand, threaten court. I can't trust him or that he won't continually demand things from me.

Have you had any counselling? That would be a good place to start. You must have so many emotions about all of this, I know I would.

I understand the fear of giving an inch and having a mile taken from you. The thing is, if this does end up in court and you're still feeling as resistant as you are now, you could find that your son is allowed to spend more time with his dad than the "average" amount in order to balance out your inability to fully support their relationship.

You'd be in a much better position if you came to an agreement in counselling - perhaps working towards an arrangement for every other weekend and half holidays over a six month or year long period. And perhaps accept that you aren't going to feel "okay" about this. I didn't - I hated it, I hated my ex (and still loved him), I hated his new girlfriend (who he had moved into my house the day I moved out). It took a long time to feel okay with it but gradually I got there.

Thank you four. I know you are right. Sometimes I think that I feel 'OK' but then I just start to feel sick. Then I think that he is asking for this now, what will come later etc and all the other stuff I mentioned ie DC being ok. The thought of DC being with his family is also awful.

He can ask all he likes. The reality is that unless there is good reason, he's unlikely to be successful. You can cross that bridge when you come to it.

Your child will spend the majority of the time with you. You are his biggest influence and someone he can rely on. Even if dad is a shit and his family are all shit, your son will come back to you again and you can look after him.

Take it steady but I really would urge you to show willing. You might be surprised.

Homely you are quite right about overnights but the court will award this unless the father is a serious danger to the child. My gs has forced contact eow with his dad (I was awarded residence) from an early age - but it is supervised by his parents because of his track record. He is violent, always has been and always will be. He attacked two people in separate incidents after he was awarded contact and drove home from court twice the legal limit.

The Courts have always refused to order half holiday contact and he still just gets the weekends with a week in the summer. He still manages to forget what he is meant to do and turned down a weekend and didn't take up an offer for extra time. This is the man that pursued me through the court system for years. The winning is sometimes more important than the reality.

The problem you have is that if a child is forced into unhappy, isolating contact then that child will be damaged. Others will say that it is the right of the child to a relationship with his father, and it is, but in some situations the cost is too high. My gs is in his teens now and lives for the day he will be free. I think this is so very sad and a situation should have been worked towards whereby he actually wants to visit post order.

We started with supervised contact because of the court's real doubts about him, but this is the slippery slope to unsupervised. We moved to unsupervised too quickly which resulted in it having to move back to supervised and backwards and forwards it went. You can't battle the status quo so please don't put yourself through it.

Hi op, bless you it's really hard. If this is useful what is likely is that you offer x and he demands y - which will be a huge amount of contact designed to frighten you in to increasing your offer. Court is a game trust me. But you need to think about reasons why you are against various things. For example I said no to Sunday nights flatly because I don't trust exh to get them to bed early and make sure homework is done etc. I would now but this is 4 years on. His solicitor told him 'let it go mothers always hold back Sunday nights'. Also have something you are willing to concede on but don't offer it straight away.

The magistrate or judge will be looking for a sustainable plan. What they won't approve is something so contentious it's likely to return to court again soon.
Also there is a responsibility to uphold the contact. The reality for the nrp is that they win their fight so to speak then have to look after the kid all that time! I fully expected exh to demand more contact but it hasn't happened! Dd2 is exhausting!

Elsie - your situation is quite different. As far as I remember, Homely's ex is not physically abusive and does not require supervision.

Thank you so much. Sound advice. That's right, no physical abuse. Emotional abuse though, manipulation and lies and just general unbothered-ness.

But sadly they are not reasons to prevent over night contact.