I'm not sure what I'm looking for really, perhaps some reassurance that I will start to feel less angry, terrified and utterly heartbroken or some advice on how to deal with my feelings. Please be gentle, I am really struggling with my circumstances and trying to keep everything together for my lovely DS.
Ex P of 15 years left me 7 weeks ago. He said he isn't in love with me anymore, thinks we are too different, want different things and in fact "have never been right for each other" That has cut the deepest.
Things haven't been easy for us since the arrival of DS two years ago. I suffered a dreadfully traumatic birth and in addition was left with potentially life changing injuries (due to to medical negligence) that I had to come to terms with during the early months of DS life. It was unsure as to whether I would have the use of one of my legs again after a series or MRI scans and nerve conduction studies, all while trying to cope with and establish nursing with a newborn.
I am adding all this detail as I do think that under the circumstances I have actually done ok and while I appreciate that my resulting PTSD has undoubtedly put a strain on our relationship and affected my behaviours, I have faced up to these issues and sought counselling (which has recently ended) and have been on medication for some time. I went back to work 12 months after DS and think I have coped pretty well.
As I said, I completely acknowledge that our relationship was not perfect, I understood that my anxiety and residual anger from what happened had affected my personality and how I responded to things but I honestly thought I was coming out the other side. Things were difficult at times but from my perspective I saw this as a (hopefully) short period of time in what I hoped was a life long relationship and could see the bigger picture.
We decided together that we would try for another baby. I did not coerce in any way and made sure that he was sure this is what he wanted too. We tracked my ovulation together and it seemed to be a happy time. During this time we also sold our house and were looking to move to a bigger property in preparation for DS starting school. I fell pregnant fairly quickly but unfortunately suffered a miscarriage 6 weeks in.
This is where things went wrong. The miscarriage was a difficult time (of course all losses are difficult) my feelings were I think exacerbated by my experiences with the hospital and all the negative associations I had.
He decided to end the relationship a week after I miscarried. It was exactly 7 days. Stating the reasons at the start of my post. How can he do this to me? To us? I am so unbelievably filled with anger, and now hatred for him that I just don't know what to do. I know you can't make someone love you, or make them stay (I did beg at the time, I'm upset at the loss of my dignity looking back) but how could he commit to trying for another child with me if he felt like this? Or buying another house? There is no way I would have entertained the idea of bringing another child into a relationship if I thought it wasn't strong enough or didn't love him.
I feel like I have been put though the emotional and physical turmoil of this miscarriage when it didn't need to happen. He could have said what he needed to say before committing to these life changing decisions.
I'm so desperately sad that my little boy will never have his little brother or sister. That he won't grow up in the whole family that he needs and deserves. That he wonders where Daddy is and I can't explain it to him. That I am so very alone and don't feel like I can ever have closeness with anyone again. I feel so fiercely protective of my DS, I don't feel anyone will be 'good enough' to be let into his life.
What I'm asking I suppose is how do I begin to feel like a person again? I feel like I'm running on anger and lurch between my emotions all the time. Do I need help? therapy? I feel so ashamed having to go and ask for help after already receiving so much counselling.
Just to add I make absolutely sure DS does not see any of these emotions and try my absolute best to keep his life as normal as possible, although I know he will be picking up on things on some level, which I feel guilt about.