He is brilliant, the sex is mind blowing but I can't see a long term future?

[moonyan]

I am currently involved with a man who is 55, I met him though work although we don't actually work together. he is hot as all hell. It was quite an eye opener for me although I initially though he was younger than his actual age. I really love being with him he is great company and we have a really nice time together and as I say perhaps a bit crudely the sex is unreal. I thought I was having good sex before but this has has changed the definition sex altogether for me.

It could be perfect but he is nearly 20 years older than me. Age gaps don't bother me so much but 20 years is a lot he is not much younger than my father and while I don't know if I want children or not I don't think that would be an option with him.

He says he just wants to be with me any way or how I like and if that means just until I find someone else I feel I have a future with then that is how it will be. I think that is unfair on him and honestly as long as he is in my life I don't think I'd be interested in anyone else, how could I be?

I do just worry that if I do end up staying with him how it will be in 10 or 15 years. I don't think its fair on him for me to have these doubts.

The fact that you're asking the question means you already know the answer. He is not your long-term partner because you have a view of a life with someone younger who you could have children with if you wanted to, at some point in the future.

You've been honest with him, which is great. Why not give yourself 6 months and then see how you feel after that?

Though I do sense that actually you want to be free to meet that long-term partner right now, in which case you need to end it.

Does it have to be long term? Is that what you want? Why not go with the flow. I've spent far too much time in the past & it got me bloody nowhere. Live for today & enjoy the ride

No pun intended about the ride, after what you said about the sex

It doesn't have to be long term but I don't think that while he is in my life I would be able to see past him. I'll fall in love with him, I think I already am and then I'm not in the place I planned to be.

Its tricky!

However, while I can I will most certainly enjoy the ride!

I wouldn't give it another six months. You'll only be more involved by then.

I'd end it now tbh, while you have him in your life you won't meet anyone that could be long term partner material.

He says he just wants to be with me any way or how I like and if that means just until I find someone else I feel I have a future with then that is how it will be. I think that is unfair on him and honestly as long as he is in my life I don't think I'd be interested in anyone else, how could I be?

It's not unfair on him at all. Sounds like he is enjoying the sex and will take it any which way. He probably isn't interested in a long term future with you or anyone.

It's more unfair on you - because as you say, you won't be available to meet anyone else.

If you keep sleeping with him, your emotional bond with him is likely to get stronger. The rational thing to do is to end it now. But lust is powerful thing so you won't end it.

You will keep sleeping with him and get more and more emotionally involved. Then you will have prolonged periods of deluding yourself ("I'm OK with not having children"; "I'm really happy with things as they are"; "I love him and I don't need anything else") interspersed with ("Maybe he'll fall in love with me and change his mind about children"). It will end in tears -yours. I wouldn't worry about it though -it's all rather inevitable - so you may as well just get stuck in and enjoy the sex.

(I'm not intending to be mean btw - I've been there myself in my time - what I'm trying to say is that you will probably follow your heart rather than your head anyway so save yourself the angst and just enjoy it)

Has he said he doesn't want kids with you?

Personally I am against big age differences. 10 years for me would be too much. --before anyone comes on with "we are brilliant and we have a 10, 20, 30 year gap"", your game has not played out its full course yet, so save your energy

Of course he is having fun, he is having sex with a 35 year old (or near), but if you want a relationship for the future, now is the time to bale.

I agree with you, DrMorbius. I think it's one thing having a big age difference when both are reasonably young, but it's completely different when they're older.

When the OP is her boyfriend's age, he will be 75. She will be thinking very, very differently then.

Shag him and when its time, move on. That's my considered advice, as a woman in his age group.

I do just worry that if I do end up staying with him how it will be in 10 or 15 years.

You've every reason to worry! Do you really want to be looking after some old git when you're in your fifties?

Enjoy the sex until you get bored of it and then move on!

I would enjoy it while it lasts which it probably won't if you want children.

If you give him up now, you might end up on your own or you could meet someone else and the sex might be crap.

Wooooow. I'm 60 this year (where did that go !). I fully intend to have mind blowing sex with my DW for at least another 20 years because 1) I love her, 2) she is sexy as hell. Look at the number of (sad) threads on here from 30 somethings wanting advice on no sex relationships. Unashamed shout out for the older guy, you might have 20 years of the most amazing relationship - how many people would take that as a lifetime achievement? I know a number of really happy people in your situation - you do need to sort out the children issue though. Good luck.

I'm 43 and also seeing a guy who's 55. The sex is amazing, 55 must be a great age. Just enjoy yourselves. All this angsty analysis stuff is a real passion killer. You'll know when you want to have kids and at that point you can discuss it. Why ruin a perfectly good relationship by trying to control a future that nobody cam control?

I agree that there are so many threads on here where there is no sex/bad sex/low sex drive. It's depressing. I know a gorgeous couple who haven't had sex for five years. He is not interested.

He is obviously making you feel great. Why would you want to give that up?

zznotxy Wooooow. I'm 60 this year (where did that go !). I fully intend to have mind blowing sex with my DW for at least another 20 years

That's a great statement but unless you have found the elixir of life, it is just words and words are wind. Sorry to be brutal, but on the balance of probabilities your statement will not happen. Sadly you are more likely to be dead in 20 years than having mind blowing sex. The truth is also that sadly people don't bounce around like Spring lambs and then suddenly keel over and die. Therefore the most likely truth is the decline into death. You cannot beat the reaper.

Again on balance of probabilities Op in her me 50's will be the carer of 80 year old.

Hell's teeth Dr M, you sound like a barrel of laughs.

You are of course right, we can't cheat the reaper. Life is very precarious, all the more reason for OP to enjoy herself while the sun is shining. Indeed, OP might, after 30 years of loving a wonderful man, finish up as his carer. Sadly, there are plenty of threads on here from people wondering how they became a 'carer' to the 30 something man-toddler that somehow became their DH.

I'm 37 and seeing someone who is 54, I already have 2 kids and his kids are grown up. (I don't want any more kids either)
He's very mature and thoughtful, sometimes a bit stuck in his ways we probably have a good future ahead.
The sex is really good - better than I've ever had in fact! He has more energy and more initiative than my exh has at 38!!
Although my exh thinks I'm a golddigger! (I don't get expensive gifts or lead anymore of an extravagant lifestyle now)

It doesn't matter whether or not you can see a long term future. The sex is min blowing and you might fall in love with him so there's no way you're going to dump him is there? Just readjust your future plans accordingly?