A female perspective please

[genuineguy79]

To cut a long story short 16 months ago i discovered my wife was having an affair which ended our 20 year marriage and tore our family apart (We have 3 kids). It broke my heart, but i'm healing and getting on with my life, i've recently met someone new who is lovely and we are taking things steady, not rushing anything. I left my ex after discovering her affair, moved out and am renting nearby so I can be near my kids, take them to school and have them the agreed days etc...

I am divorcing her and we are still to settle the financials and what to do with the family home, she is on a low income and can't afford to buy me out yet still manages to find the money for expensive watches, bags, shoes, clothes and beauty treatments that aren't cheap! I'm paying the CSA (£800 per month) payments, helping out with school trips, kids clothes etc...but not the mortgage (£1000 per month).

Her initial relationship ended and she's now with a new boyfriend who stays over at the family home approx once a week, which i find pretty disrespectful seeing as we are still to agree what to do with the family home, she's even put framed pictures of them together in the home. I know I'm not paying the mortgage, but I have 20 years of time, love and money invested in that house.

I guess my question is am I over-reacting? Am i being un-reasonable because she hurt me and just accept she's selfish, she had an affair, she's not worth it?

As has been stated she didn't respect you or the children when she was having the affair what makes you think that she will start now?

Concentrate on getting the divorce through and don't be emotionally backfilled if she starts using the children as bargaining chips

How do you even know she has photos up?
No, it's not disrespectful to you because whatever has gone on before, you're not together.

I let my XH keep our huge wonderful family home with an extra playroom, two treehouses (yeah, two) and an enormous trampoline that I bought (didn't take it as I left him with the 1000sqm garden and moved to one that eoukd be obliterated by a big trampoline)
I let him have the home in that, I put on a charge to get my 50% (and financially, I had put in 50%) only after 10 years to give him time to raise funds.
Why?
Because I wanted continuity for my child.

What's the result? My child now coming home chattering to me about bouncing on my trampoline in my garden with her stepmother and stepsister.

I'm not bitter though - because she's happy and that's why I did it.

My XH was the serial cheat, by the way.

You know what? Shit happens, and it's tough - but it really isn't disrespectful for her to have a life now. It may be legally partly your house, but it is no longer your home.

You need to concentrate on sorting out the house. That may be an agreement that she pays the mortgage and stays there until your youngest is 18 before you are due your money and house may be sold. Or it might not. But you need closure on the decision.

I'm curious why you're paying any maintenance. Why are you not housing your children yourself? Why don't you have 50/50 shared responsibility?

I've suggested that she stays there as long as necessary, and we split the equity 50/50...so that if she stays there another 10 years and she continues to pay the mortgage i still get 50% of any equity when its sold or she is in a position to buy me out etc...She can't afford to buy me out and take on the mortgage and I can't get another mortgage as I already have one...it's a catch 22 situation.

As far as maintenance goes I have my kids 3 days a week, although most months it does work out that I have them equally as much as her and some months between me and her family we have them more than she does. I worked out the maintenance payments via the CSA calculator...i doubt she would agree to 50/50 and stopping those payments.

You've got a right to feel exactly how you want - a lot of people would struggle with difficult feelings in your shoes - I bet I would. So don't beat yourself up too much about flashes of distress and anger and schadenfreude.

However, I totally agree with others that finding ways to let go of your feelings will benefit you and your kids the most.

Given you already feel happiness with your new girlfriend, there's a good chance that in five years you'll look back on this and feel your ex-wife did you a favour, giving you a chance to move on to happier things. The 'bigger' you are now about this now, the more you'll feel proud of yourself looking back to this point.

The house sounds key - I hope you're able to resolve this aspect soon to make it easier to fully move on.

Off topic: the equity suggestion you're making (please correct me if this is wrong, I'm not confident on mortgages etc.) would that effectively mean half her monthly mortgage payments are (mortgage interest aside) basically rent to you to be reclaimed on house sale? + you benefit from any increase in property prices?? That sounds like a good deal for you. Though I guess for her too if she'd otherwise be fully renting.

On topic: Yes you're over reacting, but it is understandable. The house is her home, it's no more disrespectful her having a boyfriend over or putting up pictures than it would be if you did that in your home. I get why it feels different though. If she's staying in that house, she needs to be able to live here life in it, it doesn't disrespect you that she does so.

The equity suggestion that you are making is a very very bad deal for her and any solicitor would tell her not to agree to it, I think.
This indefinite "as long as it takes" period...
If you had a 20 year marriage and 3 kids, sounds like your youngest could be about 12? (bit of a guess: marry then child two years later and every two years after that)

If she stayed put til youngest turned 18, you're asking her to pay the mortgage alone for 6 years, and you get half the equity from that! I'd say no to that in mediation.

I might agree to 50/50 split on ownership (say you've paid off 80% of mortgage, then 50/50 of that - including value in crease). Then any equity (and increased value) on what she has paid alone, she keeps. So if she paid off the remaining 20% of mortgage you'd get 40% and her 60% of the final sale price.

But if her low income is a result of bringing up your kids - did she work part time or limit her career options to care for them whilst you didn't? Then she would be wise to go for more of the equity now in recompense. So if I were her I might want 75% of current owned percentage and all of that paid off directly by her.

What are you doing with your pension? Often people decide to trade off keeping their pension (on which she may have a claim) against giving up house equity share. Certainly can help with her not having the possibility to pay you off.

But your suggestion isn't fair, IMO.
(Financially not morally)

No axe to grind... I went 50/50 with a higher earning cheating XH!

You have a right to feel what the hell you like.

However I do agree that for your own sanity you move on and settle everyghing sooner rather than later.

OP, sorry to hear what you've been through with your wife's behaviour. I think it's completely natural for you to feel uncomfortable about her having a new partner in what was your family home for 20 yrs, putting up photos of them etc. ........ however as many posters have pointed out, you can do nothing about and strictly speaking it's no longer your business, it so best to not dwell.

No offence meant, but your wife sounds like a silly b*tch. Not surprised the relationship didn't work out with her affair partner, and now she's putting up photos in her home (and children's home) of her & another guy (a relationship of how many months standing?). I would be cautious and embarrassed about doing that, but not her eh!
Between her wonderful judgement and low earning power, I'd say you'll have the easier time in the long run, glad to hear you've met someone nice, best of luck.

Right firstly you shouldn't be paying that much maintenance if you're seeing the kids almost 50/50
Secondly, can you move into the house and afford to raise the mortgage and buy her out then you can have a clean break
Thirdly make sure she is paying the mortgage

She's having her cake and eating it!

Whatever you do get legal advice and get something sorted, this situation can't go on.

How can anyone possibly suggest that maintenance is 'too much' without know the NRPs income? Bizarre.
You are overreacting, OP.

From a mans perspective I had the same happen to me and it's tough, my now ex wife couldn't afford to keep the house so I payed her off the mortgage for less than 50% of the equity...I have payed all the bills since(3years) but she is still owed £10k tied to various terms but she will get it at latest in another 5years.

I have joint 50:50 custody of both DC s and no child maintenance is payed either way , this was all agreed through solicitors and the courts.

From a personal point of view I struggled massively with her 'moving' on so easily and with no concern for what she left behind but in time it gets so much better , the Dcs are very happy, the exw is now happily married again and me ??
I am over it and Looking back I am glad she had an affair because we are all happier ..most of all I am soooooo happy .

All the best accept that she is moving on , make the right decisions for you and the Dcs and look at this as the next chapter in your life ....

Emotions aren't necessarily logical - but they are powerful. I was VERY upset when my ex-husband took off his wedding ring - but I left him! I was just very upset our marriage hadn't worked - all that hope and promise come to nothing. In your shoes it would badly sting that she's putting the stamp of her new life all over the house you shared for 20 years

You say you're avoiding court but it really is best to get this sorted out legally or you could end up in a serious pickle further down the line. You need the experts on this.

If I were queen for the day I'd ban the phrase 'move on'

also the phrase it's none of your business'--

I think you are hurt by her behaviour which is understandable, and agree she shouldn't be facing people to stay so early in a relationship. However, you need to see a solicitor asap to get your share of the house protected now and for the future. Maybe that will help with some closure.