What if you're never sure?

[Lplatesinuse]

DP and I have a child together, he is now 2 1/2. We've had a roller coaster of a time the last couple of years and problems have grated on our relationship. We're trying to build 'us' back up again, especially as we had only been together a year when we discovered we were expecting DS (I have fertility problems so we were naturally elated). However there's so much we feel we need to do together as a couple yet!

I've suffered with PND which still affects me in a lot of ways and I find myself flying off the handle at DP now and again. He struggles with this understandably so, but he is also very difficult to talk to, he let's things pass by and I get frustrated.

I feel that one of the issues related to my depression and relationship with DP is the house we live in. I moved into his house when I was pregnant and it's quite a way from my friends and some family. I find the house dark and depressing: the decor, the layout, the disorganisation of it when I moved in and I now just want to move house and start from scratch. I'm fed up of trying to change things that DP is so reluctant to change.

DP says we should wait to make such a big move until our relationship improves, but I feel the house is a big part of the problem. Although I really do see his point about taking such a big step when things are still fragile between us. I've also said that I want us to marry if we are to stay together, DP feels the same but again wants us 'to see how things go' first. Which I feel is sensible, but we've been doing that for a year now. DP also has the habit of getting into a rut, he's very reluctant to change and I can't deal with the prospect of that.

What do we do if we're never sure? Take the plunge, get married and move house? Hope things improve? Or separate now? How long do I 'see how it goes' for? I don't want to force DP into moving house if he doesn't want to and although he hasn't said it, it's quite obvious he doesn't. We do still love each other but we're very up and down and external issues (which I don't want to go into) have a negative affect on us. I've no idea what to do and DP is very difficult to talk to.

You might be right and it really might just be the house, but if you can't find a common ground from which to work, it becomes a symptom of the problem and not the problem itself.

First, Lplates, congratulations on your lovely DS. You beat the fertility odds! Yay!

Now, about the house. Frankly, it sounds a bit dire. To be so far from family and friends when you could do with their support is understandably going to make you feel low. And it's drab, dark, disorganised ... There was a study done in Los Angeles, I think by UCLA, that measured levels of cortisol (a stress hormone) in people with cluttered houses. In women the cortisol rose significantly when they looked at their messy rooms. The men barely recorded a blip. I think you are on to something when you say the house is affecting your mood.

Meanwhile, your DP has you in a holding pattern. His concerns are probably genuine, but he seems to be doing sweet FA. Any chance you can go home to your family for a while? You might start to feel normal instead of depressed.

If you decide to stay in the house, and it really is awful, I suggest you look at a website called Stepping Out Of Squalor for some online support. (Sorry, I am crap with links.) They are great, very kind and caring, and full of useful advice about putting your house in order and keeping it that way.

You live there, Lplates. You may not own it, but you have a right to claim space in it and keep it nice, for you and your DS.

The cortisol research makes a LOT of sense! The house has never been horrendous, it's actually ok from an outsiders point of view, but DP had a lot of clutter when I moved in and the whole re-organisation thing just drained me.
It's now in my name too and actually nice in a lot of ways but to me, it's not mine. It's a big pile of crap that I had to sort out when I moved in and I never would have picked such plain decor and old fashioned furnitire. Infact I never would have picked such a dark, narrow depressing house. Full stop.

I can't stay with family as my DF doesn't have the room and DM has moved in with her new partner and children. I'd love to be able to go back 'home' for a while but the home I knew as a child no longer exists. My grandparents are the next best thing but they are both poorly and probably wouldn't manage with both me and DS staying there. I do miss having a place of comfort to go to now and again.

I think you really need to sit down & discuss the issues in your relationship, not faff about talking round the subject. Tell him you're not happy, tell him you want to move house, if he continues with the 'lets see how it goes' shit then I'm afraid you have your answer-it'll always be that way. At least then you can decide what you want to do.