I am married with two DC, have some friends, parents are still alive, but...
My husband seems to love the idea of me but not the reality. He's absent a lot due to work, is the main decision maker in the house, has no tolerance at all for hearing how I feel about anything, could not tell you what my views or preference would be in any given situation. His lack of tolerance for my feelings comes about because my feelings are centred primarily around anxieties about my life and other people's perceptions of me. He sees this as a huge waste of time (work, debt, schools and putting food on the table are understandably much more important), but for me it is immensely preoccupying and distracting.
My DC are very young (two under 2) so rely on me a lot. Due to DH's absence I am their main carer and it's tiring.
My mother as I was growing up could not tolerate any separateness or difference between us. Every individual feeling or feature I had, got squashed, which led to me being secretive, concealing things from my parents and eventually leaving home early. DF was just a bystander. Despite now supporting them both financially and emotionally, they still treat me like the bad egg. My M will make a point, every time she sees me, about what a miracle it is my DC are ok so far, considering what their mother (me) is like. And many other bits of emotional abuse besides that.
I have plenty of friends. I'm popular. But my friendships are very much focused around the friend and not me. In some cases, it's a position I am comfortable in ( The "supporter/cheerleader/minion") but in other cases it just attracts narcissists who quite like it to be all about them and take advantage until I am physically and emotionally exhausted.
I wish I could open up to someone about how I feel, but because so many of my main worries are amorphous anxieties about other people's perceptions of me, it's not really something that can be described concisely to anyone. And my list of candidates who would listen or follow, don't really care enough to do so.
I've been having therapy. She is very compassionate and has helped me realise what it is. She is an independent person, outside of my sphere, the first time I have ever properly been listened to. But I still don't feel like I am making any progress. Whole weeks are swallowed up with anxiety incidents which I brood on for days, then process with her. But I could easily walk out of therapy and receive a text or a phone call which triggers me, and I am back to the beginning again.
And I've been moved to write this because today has just been exhausting, and I want so much to talk to someone. I could wait for months, but there is literally no-one in my life to whom I could describe the anxiety I experienced today. So I am processing my feelings again, alone, and feeling sorry for myself.
I don't even know how anyone would begin going about getting a friendship or relationship where somebody cared about them and loved them for them. I am sure my DH and some of my present friendships could care about me a lot, but something in my manner or character just can't open up or process things properly.
What do you think I should do?