Everything is a disaster, I can’t see a future. Flaming expected, advice wanted.

[ALittleBitofRain]

I see no possible way this post won’t earn me a flaming but I feel like I have a three car pile up going on in my head right now and some anonymous internet advice wouldn’t go amiss. Be as brutal as you like. This story is incredibly identifying but I’m pretty sure no one I know is a MNer. If you recognise me, please be discreet.

The facts: married for 18 months to partner of coming up to 11 years. I’m 33, she’s 37. She is 10 weeks pregnant (I am a woman, btw). As of 5 weeks ago, I feel the following things:

1. There is no way I am ready to be a parent. Partly this is due to current life-circumstances – I’m halfway through a PhD, which I love, and suddenly feel the timing of having a newborn/baby in the last year of this is ridiculous, what was I thinking. Partly it is due to big unresolved grief issues in my family – a sibling died as a baby, when I was a pre-teen, another died unexpectedly when I was a teenager and they were in their early twenties. How does anyone have a baby when they (the baby) might die? The risk seems far too big. I realise this is irrational but it’s how I feel. Although I am still sure I would like to be a parent at some point. (I have previously been unswerving in my desire to have kids.)

2. I am in love with somebody else. Have only met them 5 times in total. Nothing has happened, bar some mutually acknowledged sexual tension and agreement to never refer to it again. Met two weeks before we got married, immediately thought – fuck, I can never see this person again, they are too dangerous. Then inadvertently did see them 6 months later, then 6 months after that, then 3 months after that. After the second to last time I felt sick for 3 days and it took me a while to remember what those (strangely familiar) feelings mean. Cried my eyes out thinking about how we could never be together. Since then I have lost loads of weight without trying, been sleeping badly, etc, etc. Hoped I could cross my fingers and it would all go away, but it hasn’t. After the last time I don’t even know whether I should be trying to stop myself feeling how I do. (Feels too big and important.)

3. There are a lot of things in my (otherwise brilliant, but rocky for first 5-7 years) relationship I am unhappy about, mainly related to things that happened in the past – ways I was hurt by my partner’s feelings for other people, things I absorbed but didn’t get angry about. Also ways in which I feel I will never truly be what she wants – she has ‘made her peace’ with that, but why should she, and why should I be settled for? The way I feel with the other person is so entirely me, I had forgotten what that is like. I want that to continue, although I don’t for 2 minutes imagine that I would be able to start a new relationship with this person if I got out of the one I was in. At least not for a couple of years - dust would need to settle, etc, etc, also perhaps it is all in my head anyway. Can’t work out whether this is depression or the truth (scored v high on NHS test, am in therapy - it is helping, but not fast enough.)

Has anyone ever been in a situation remotely like this? The people who know me best tell me I am not a terrible person and have done everything in good faith, but honestly, I feel like a monster. Nothing has ever made me feel suicidal before. But this has pushed me very close to the edge. I can’t understand how I could be wanting to leave a relationship/this new life when on paper I have everything I ever wanted. On the other hand I feel properly like myself for the first time since I was about 18. (We are currently living separately.) I just can't see a future.

Why all of a sudden does the life I’d planned feel like it would mean the end of me as a person? Do I just need to grow up? Advice, other perspectives, challenging questioning all appreciated. If I can't respond straight away I will as soon as I can.

Thanks.

Yes, Lalaloopy2016 I am aware it is really awful. I totally agree with you. Hence suicidal feelings etc (have never had them before despite grief etc and they are no joke). Technically though I left at 5 weeks - not that that is any less awful.

So you left as soon as she tested positive? Though you had previously pressurised your partner to stay in the relationship when she wanted out, and then to have a baby?

I realise this is internet psychology of the most basic type, but it sounds like you have abandonment/control issues - you can't bear the threat of losing your partner when it's her who's trying to get out, but when she's anchored to you by pregnancy you can't hack it and run for the hills.

Also sounds like you are very susceptible to fantasies (the baby/other person) but can't cope with the reality.

Hopefully you are exploring all of this with your therapist. And hopefully your partner has lots of support elsewhere.

Too right I have abandonment/control issues. I wish it were otherwise. Although there are a good few years between her wanting to leave and me pulling this totally unexpected horrible 180. Yes, therapist is amazing and we are working through all of this. It is really helpful to hear others' take on it though.

Yes, partner has lots of support - amazing family, friends etc, all of whom she can be really honest with about what's going on with me. (Not that I've had to give my permission or anything.) She is also having counselling.

This is going to sound odd but you sound exactly like a bloke. There are so many men who do this to their partner - push and push for a baby and then leg it as soon as it happens. It's a very common pattern - you need to figure out why you've made it yours.

I agree abandonment issues are a strong possibility, but I think you also need to look at straightforward selfishness and irresponsibility.

I wanted to get pregnant but as soon as I did I panicked to the point of sleepless nights whilst looking up abortions on the Internet. I felt trapped in the situation & I fantasised about a person in my social circle that had been nice to me.

I didn't want an abortion, I didn't want an affair I was just properly freaking out. I freaked out for the entire pregnancy - complete MH breakdown.

I am now a proud owner of a 4 yr old who has made me grow beyond anything or any experience in my life. (He still also drives me batty)

Your life experiences are amplifying the natural baby freak out.

Glad you are seeing a therapist in real life to work all this through. Recognising it is the first step to fixing it x

Becoming a parent for the first time just is very scary. It's very normal to feel that you're career/finances/house/studies aren't in the right plane to conceive. The thing is, no one is ever totally ready for a baby. There is never the perfect moment. It is a massive change but utterly wonderful too.

I think a lot of people get scared when there's a baby imminent- the difference is that most women are sort of stuck once the deed is done but you aren't in the physical sense. However I do think you need to step up to your responsibilities.

I suspect a lot of men whose partners are pregnant feel a bit like you. If you have any good male friends with children (and who are involved loving fathers), why not take them out for drinks and talk through it all?

At the end of the day op you're no better than anyone else who has abandoned their dw and unborn child. Yes having a baby is daunting etc but your dw doesn't have the choices of just leaving her responsibilities behind

The other person you're interested in is a red herring tbh. You're most likely just pining for the single life and getting cold feet.

Be prepared for when the baby arrives. You may miss out on the birth as your dw probably won't want you there. You'll need to think about paying maintenance. You also need to be prepared for not seeing the baby every day. Certainly not overnight should your dw choose to breastfeed.

Thinking of the baby here.....not you or your wife.
Whilst legally you are considered a parent, biologically you're not and never will be.
That means you are totally replaceable at this stage, not even at the 12 week stage.

Maybe the child would be better off with another non biologically related parent who wants to be there rather than you. Maybe your DW would be happier too.

It's strangely good to hear about all the other people who've freaked out in pregnancy/partner's pregnancy. This isn't something my friends with kids have ever really talked about.

Also thanks to the pro-parenting voices, and the "sort your shit out" contingent too.

Fratelli - I don't think I'm better than anyone - I feel like the lowest of the low. I agree that the other person is a red herring, too. But it does point to something I need to work out (why would I be feeling so strongly for somebody else?) Perhaps it is just panic like other posters have said.

Fwiw, the child will have two involved biological parents (dad as well). And yes, if it's not going to be me (although I'm certainly not making any decisions at this point), I would certainly hope another non-biological parent in the future, if that is what my partner wanted.

After two miscarriages, I conceived seven years later after trying everything short of IVF to help my fertility and my DH's.

At 8 weeks pregnant and again at 12, I had full-on freakouts where I was looking up abortion clinics, certain my relationship was doomed, certain I wasn't ready.

I have my six week old baby boy in my arms now. He's amazing. Couldn't imagine life without him. The relationship problems vanished, if they were ever real at all, and all is well. My freakout was just a freakout, and a VERY common one. And I tried harder than anyone I know to get pregnant, and for longer! I was shocked it happened to me. It doesn't even mean you don't want the baby.

Being terrified your baby will die? that's not a sign you're not ready. It's a sign you are.

Sorry if this is blunt but this is all about 'you' - " I feel, I persuaded, things I am unhappy about, suddenly feel the timing of having a newborn/baby in the last year of this is ridiculous, what was I thinking?" and very little about your ex and most importantly, the baby.
If this is who you are and what you want - ie you've left your partner pregnant having persuaded her that this was a good thing but you are now bailing - then likely it is for the best. Being a parent really does require huge levels of commitment and love - you don't just walk out on a child or change your mind. This board is littered with stories of women with partners who have abandoned them pregnant, with young children, after decades of marriage and the grief, loss and pain is quite overwhelming.
My concern is about the wellbeing of your ex and the baby. I'm not sure I would suggest that you should stay together for the sake of the child that you persuaded her to have but I am a bit at how you have ended up here? Children need parents who are capable of putting them first, not seeing being a parent as a bit of a whim.
I hope that your ex is getting lots of support at what must be such a difficult time for her

I know one should not internet diagnose but has your therapist mentioned BPD to you (as in borderline personality disorder, not bipolar.)?

Your post is all about you. Your issues, your reactions. You gloss over how your wife feels by mentioning she has lots of support (irrelevant really, she's still been knocked up and abandoned) then dwell on your issues.

I will be harsh, I'm afraid. You've created a child and you need to grow up and step up, whether you are with your wife or not.

Your poor wife. And poor kid.

Having children is terrifying. I'm currently in the grip of an anxiety attack because I have convinced myself that my son is going to die in a car crash. Just writing that down terrifies me because it feels like it makes it more likely to happen. I never had anxiety before I had a child, now I know that my life would be over if anything happened to him, I'm so scared. So I understand your fear. That's the downside to the amazing miracle that is being a parent. Not everyone feels like that but if you have anxiety already then it's likely.
BUT the baby exists and is on its way. So now is the time to stop mooning over other people and step up. Your marriage may not last, but that's not a question for now. I too wonder why you stayed in a relationship that was bad for 5-7 years, and question how much better it could be now, but again, beside the point. Go back to your poor wife and get on with it. See this through until the baby is at least a year old then re-evaluate. Leaving a partner during pregnancy is one of the shittiest, most pathetic things a person can do.

OP you do sound completely self-absorbed and unfortunately I have met women like you. I had a friend in a lesbian relationship whose girlfriend was a control freak who had to be the centre of attention all the time and used emotional blackmail to persuade her to stay in the relationship. I can absolutely imagine her doing what you have done. My friend finally broke out of the relationship but was still harassed. She moved to New Zealand not long after and I know that a big part of the motivation was to get away from this ex.

OP I think you did the right thing for this woman. If you stayed together there would always be some other drama that comes along to send you into a panic and out of the door. This way your DW has the opportunity to build a new life for herself and the baby.

I know it's unlikely you'll believe me, this being the internet and me being a total stranger, but I really am the least drama-y, centre of attention type. I have never done anything like this before, and the reason I'm so upset and freaked out is because of the unbearable pain I am causing to so many people around me, plus the fact that I feel ambushed by my own emotions - who am I? Not a very nice person at all, it appears. And yes, I'm self-absorbed and probably sound cold and emotionless - from what I understand it is the nature of depression.

Surprised at the advice to re-evaulate after some time - potentially then breaking up a family and damaging a child who at this point would never know any different.

Given the family history I'd say you're understandable scared of having the baby. Have you tried sharing these feelings with your partner? As the partner carrying the baby, she's probably feeling pretty vulnerable now too but she might be able to reassure you if you make an effort to get involved. This crush is a distraction. Confront your fears and get involved with the baby you wanted so much.

You don't sound cold/emotionless at all. You sound self absorbed and overrunning with emotion.

You need to decide how to best support your wife and baby. Either as a couple or as a non resident parent. So you need to talk to her, figure out access arrangements, child maintenance, divorce settlements etc.

How will you manage you moving out? Will she and the child get the house? Will it be sold and the equity split? How often will you see the child? How much will you pay for their upkeep? All these issues are important and need to be sorted.

The infatuation and drama you can work through with your therapist. Your child deserves to have the practicalities settled before they are born.

From your last post it sounds like you've made your decision not to be in the baby's life after you pushed for it. Shame on you.

No, not at all. If anything this thread is acting as a bucket of cold water and I feel extremely aware of how I would be judged if I were to make that decision.

How you would be judged?

How about, "how best to support my wife and the child I insisted on."?

I'm sorry to sound so annoyed about this but you are spectacularly missing the point. A child (I've just had one) is a huge, life changing deal. My kid is thankfully healthy with no issues other than crap sleep and I'm on my knees with tiredness. A baby is all consuming. They take up every moment of your day. Even with two committed parents it's tiring. Your wife doesn't get to blithely skip away voting infatuation and 'issues'
The weeks my dh is working away and I do all this by myself are shattering so so tiring. How lone parents do it I do not know, but I admire them hugely.

You are wallowing and finding excuses in your past life to turn your own reprehensible actions into a narrative where you are the victim. I have lost a sibling. It certainly affects me and makes me anxious. It would have zero bearing on leaving a partner pregnant and alone. Using it as a justification for persuing an infatuation would be unthinkable.

Think of your child and get the practicalities and legalities sorted. You are not the victim here.

A one year old won't know any different if you leave then. Right now you need to support your partner and focus on being a parent to the baby. That's why I suggest re-evaluating after a year.

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. Bearing in mind you pushed for the pregnancy and have now left, how will you feel if your wife decides to have a termination?

It's her body and her choice. How I would feel wouldn't really come into it (I don't think I would deserve a say, do you?). She has thought about it but I don't think she is currently considering it.