I want to leave my partner but he's acusing me of 'taking' his child

[MEVA]

Hi, I'm needing some advice as I'm really trying not to be dragged into a massive guilt trip. My bf and I been together nearly 7 years and it has been up and down from the start. We have a one year old and some of the issues are similar to a previous posting [Link removed by MNHQ as the OP of that thread may not want to be cross-referenced here - sorry].

Needless to say I've had enough and really think the relationship has become toxic. It is not a good environment for any of us, especially my beautiful son. It is my home (rented) but when I've asked him to leave in the past he simply refuses to 'because of the baby'. Note: this also happened before we had a child hence the inverted commas!

I've come to the conclusion (and/or ran out of fight!) that it would be best if I gave up my flat and moved back to my home town 160 miles away. I love living in London but would not be able to afford it by myself and I have great family and friends back home (some good friends here too but no family) and would get the support I need, including childcare (I have recently gone back to work, he looks after the baby as he 'freelances' which is code for works occasionally in his case!).

When I have mentioned this in the past (moving back) he has gone mental, accusing me of taking his child off him, that it was what I always had planned blah blah blah. None of which is true obviously but I cant help but feel bad about moving far away. My son adores him, and he does love him (I've stopped saying 'good dad' as many people have rightly pointed out that if your partner is aggressive towards you how could he be?) and I have no problem with him or his family having access, but they're all making me out into a horrible person for wanting to be somewhere else.

It is all such a mess and I'm just sick of feeling so shit, I dread opening my front door sometimes, not knowing what mood I'm going to walk into and don't want my baby growing up thinking that this is normal. My family and friends are really concerned as I've lost a lot of weight, and been having some health problems (I'm normally very healthy) and they're probably right to say that it has been caused by stress. I've tried everything to make it work, including counseling, but he thinks I'm the one with the problem. I just can't go on, some days I feel like I'm going mad! All advice welcome x

oh yeah, should mention that he's said that I have to stop breastfeeding so he can have him overnight if we do separate!!! Unbelievable

If he is being violent towards you, then surely you can apply for a non-molestation & occupation order to get him out of the property?

You might have to start reporting incidents to the police when they occur.

Honestly, pack and go. This shitbag sounds far too lazy and selfish to pursue you at all - a lot of abusive men shout and stamp their feet about how they will 'get custody' but it's all bullshit. They don't actually want custody and won't make any effort even to maintain contact, because it's all about bullying their female partners.

Plan it with your family. Give notice. Don't leave anything there. If he really gave a shit about his child, he wouldn't be pushing the child's mother around would he?

Do you know your LL well? You could explain the situation and give your notice and but arrange with your LL for a short notice with no viewings or advertising on Internet - and tell your partner the LL is selling or needs to rent to a relative? And pretend to look for other properties, etc? If he's freelance, he wouldn't be any good for credit ratings so wouldn't expect to be on a new lease.

Also the stuff about his temper - I believe you, but if he said you were making it up, it would just be your word against his. He could spin what you wrote into you being very controlling, dictating when and where he takes his child, he could say he sleeps in on the days you alternate childcare as child wakes up throughout night, etc.

Be prepared how he could spin his version of the "truth."

I posted on this thread because of your title, 'take my child'.

It's the same thing my exdp said to me, when I said I wanted to split up. Unfortunately he had his hands around my throat at the time and threatened to kill me, which is slightly different, but the sentence did strike me as something someone says who is abusive. The fact that the seem to be implying the child belongs to them.

I left secretly after planning it.

Make plans and leave without telling him.

Ignore anyone who says he has rights too. Like I said in my pp, they are usually applying the situation to their lovely dh/dPS.

I did look at a court paper on moving your child away, and moving them closer to an extended family is one of the reason's given for it being acceptable.

Just be safe.